Social services involved – next step?

[Done-with-this]

Hi
Had a very stressful (detail removed by Moderator). My child made a disclosure at school about my husband (dad) and suddenly social services are involved. We’ve been out the house (detail removed by Moderator) but he’s gone (detail removed by Moderator). He’s adamant he’s innocent but what he is describing isn’t completely innocent (I wasn’t in when it happened) and he thinks it will all be resolved (detail removed by Moderator).

However other child has supported the disclosure and talked about the arguments at home and how he treats us (he’s never been physical with me but is very controlling and bullies us). I spoke to the social worker and told them a couple of things too. I’m worried when they talk to him and he hears it all it’s going to completely break him as he doesn’t seem to realise how his behaviour affects us.

On top of that I can’t work out how I feel. I seem to have spent the last (detail removed by Moderator) years wanting something to happen but now it has I don’t know if it’s what I want. I keep thinking of him alone and how sad he is feeling. I’ve been to see him a few times (detail removed by Moderator) and he just seems so down and lonely but in complete denial of what he is like.

I guess I just need to know if anyone has had a similar situation with social services and how long it went on for and also does the guilt ease?

[Lisa]

Hi Done-with-this,

It can bring up a lot of difficult and conflicting feelings when any outside agency gets involved like this. It may feel scary and out of control because you don’t know what the process is and can’t predict what will happen. I don’t know if you’re getting support from your local domestic abuse service, but often they can help with some advocacy communicating with social services. You should also be able to get ongoing support from them to help you work through how you feel and what you want to happen. You can find your local domestic abuse service details using our service directory.

You’re not alone in experiencing this situation and all the feelings that you describe are very normal for what you’re going through. I’m sure other women using this forum have experienced similar, even if not this exact situation.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Llgirl]

I just wanted to say if you are here on this forum and your partner is abusive he absolutely knows how his behaviour affects you all. They are bullying and controlling for the household to revolve around them, for it to be their domain. I didn’t realise this until I left and thought it was because of his abusive childhood.

If you type, why does he do it, into Google there’s an amazing book for free you can read, I read it and within 4 days i’d packed and left. Sending strength and kindness to you, you don’t have to put up with it.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I wanted to add, your ex is playing the victim, so sad, depressed and possibly acting lost without you? Mine did this, most behave like a victim… it messes with your head (it did mine).. I am well over a year or so out of a long term marriage.
The FOG cycle of abuse can be very strong (Fear, Obligation, Guilt feelings are evoked when you want to leave), the nice times are to keep you there but if you break it down a hello, or pleasantries spoken are crumbs to keep you… he isn’t being nice and he isn’t lost or depressed because of you, if he genuinely feels remorse for his abusive behaviours he would be working on himself, educating himself, owning what he has done, what your childrenhave seen … he is trying to work on you…. which is why zero.contact is the only way to recover if you possibly can go zero contact. Give yourself time to recover. Big hugs
❤️ HFH

[Done-with-this]

Thank you. Despite all the support from SS the second they eased their restrictions he was at it again. Fine with the kids mostly but not me. Saying the whole experience had been horrendous for him and just a minor inconvenience for me and that the accusation my child made was as a result of my terrible parenting and him having to step in (I wasn’t even in when the incident took place) I spoke to women’s aid today and got some local contacts which I’ll ring on Monday. I have always written down things he has done in a diary -so glad I did as I can use that.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Done-with-this

What a good job that you were out when this happened, meaning nothing can be hung on you, and the children independently, separately, have disclosed the same incident, again, meaning nothing can be hung on you.

What you describe is certainly exactly how I have felt over the ex being on the receiving end of consequences for a change, worried me to the point I didn’t progress any of the reports I’d made.

I have been a massive time-waster in that respect, but I do think its normal to feel loyalties to someone you had reside intimately in your life for any period of time and is the father of your children. However, its not reciprocated, and they play on their ‘depression’, ‘anxiety’, whatever in order to keep you hooked in sympathy for them ‘poor things’.

They know what they are doing, and they use anger, or whatever works best to manipulate you to control you and become incredibly adept at ‘pulling your strings’, or pressing your buttons when needed to suit them.

They rely on our sympathies and empathy for their manufactured distress.

He’s an adult, not a child, and no matter what you feel for him he’s fully grown and in full grasp of what he’s been doing to you and your children. He’s not your responsibility, but I get how hard it can be to be the one feeling responsibility or concern for someone facing consequences. Harsh as it may seem, he’s done worse to you and them.

warmest wishes

ts

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