Sold myself

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I am in abusive relationship for almost a decade in a second marriage, plus a few years in my first marriage.

I am at the point now when I finally realised how and why did I get here.

My father was heavily drinking. My mother was pretending everything is OK, she never argued to him, just didn’t listen to him. He was aggressive when drunk, never hit me or my mum, but abusing verbally. The worst thing in my childhood was that I never knew if he will come home drunk or normal. When it was 6 pm and he wasn’t at home, there was 100% possibility he will come drunk. He could come at night, and never quite, always swearing and shouting.
Next day he was quite and nice and loving, and overall very intelligent man. I loved him when he wasn’t drunk and hated when he was.
He has died 6 years ago but I am still trying to sort out our relationship.
When I was a girl, I hated my mum because she didn’t leave him. I told myself that I would never do the same, this is cruel and wrong to the children. And where I am? I am living exactly the same life! The only difference – my husband is not drinking, but still abusing me verbally and psychologically. I still don’t know in which mood he will come. I am still trying to prevent his bad mood by being nice and offering him sex. I don’t leave him finding excuses in the same way my mum did. And my three children live with it, see it, suffer from it.
I was promising myself I’ll never bee like my mum, but actually I am. Exactly.

Another thing I have found out that I have sold myself, exchanged my personality for the roof to live under, for the food, for the clothes.
My family was poor, parents couldn’t buy me the food I wanted, the clothes I wanted or just clothes. I was wearing my auntie’s clothes mostly. I got new boots once in 2 years. And I still have a huge fear I will get to this again if I will leave my husband. Now at least I don’t have to worry how to pay bills and can allow any food to buy, any clothes for my children (not expensive though). I have chosen this stability and sold myself for it.

This is where I am now. Hard to accept, but I have to. My children are suffering in the same way I was. And I can’t get out because I am scared to be poor again and to make them to be poor.
I am working with it. I have a plan, but I need time to get some money at least for the first time, I cannot leave him before.

[fizzylem]

Hello Sumerday, so sorry to read you feel stuck in this misery. Sounds to me like you have a lot going on in your head, been there, where past and present become intertwined. How did you process all this early childhood stuff? Are you seeing a counsellor? If not, think would be good to.

Sadly, you are experiencing first hand a very similar situation to your mother’s, but this does give you a new found empathy for her and after holding onto the hate you once felt for years this could be golden to you, if you can roll with it and allow it in.

I think you are wise to do nothing at present and work on an exit plan, as long as you or the children are not at any risk of violence. If you can stay a head this will serve you well, quite often the women on here, myself included, find ourselves in crisis, a plan is obs much better.

That said I also know first hand how dreadful emotional and psychological abuse is to live with, you need to look after yourself so you have a clear head. Please inject lots of self care into your daily life and if at all possible, start to document the things he says and does to you and the children, providing you know you can keep this well hidden and yourself safe. Keep posting FL.x

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fizzylem
Thank you!
I’ve forgiven my mum, we are in good relationship, but I can’t hear her advises like “you need to wait until the children are bigger” or “just ignore him”.
I was trying to leave my husband 6 months ago. I almost did this. Then stopped. I have filed for divorce, he has signed the documents, but since we are together again he thinks I’ve stopped the process. But I actually didn’t. The only thing I know 100% I will not tell him I am leaving, this all was terrible, he became almost terrorist, I got so much pain from him. So I decided that I need the plan and I need to leave quietly and quickly without telling him.

I write down everything he is saying or doing bad.

6 months ago I received all the information I needed, I’ve met 2 solicitors, local council, local women’s right organisations, so I have all the information and I know all possible ways I can go.
If I see any signs of physical violence – I will call the police straight away, this is the best way for my, even sounds terrible. I would be able to get legal aid then and I have solicitors who are ready to go on with my divorce, child maintenance etc. They just need police caution. But I don’t want to provoke him, this is too painful for my children to see. So I just sit and wait now.

In September my youngest one will start the school finally and I plan to find some job to have my own income. I have my own small business but it is almost dead now and I am trying to sell it, this would also help me to have some small capital.

As for my thoughts and working with myself… I’ve tried counselling a few years ago, actually we both tried (separately), and this didn’t help. Probably the person was wrong, I would try once again, but I don’t have money at all to pay for this now.
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And yes, you are right, I am trying to think about myself, my own life. I go to gym, I’ve completed some useful online courses to update and upgrade my qualifications, I do a lot of things I enjoy. I almost don’t cry since I’ve read this book, I don’t feel this terrible pain anymore, I don’t want to kill myself anymore. Much much more easier for me now, just need to find the exit. I really hope I will find it.

[freedomtochoose]

Just wanted to say you have done really well informing yourself about ways you might possibly go.
well done
ftc
x

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freedomtochoose
thank you!
This wasn’t so easy to be honest, the system is very difficult to work with. Nobody can give you all the options in 1 place, they are just telling you where to go and where to ask. I’ve been also rejected from some of the places and even told that there is no abuse but just relationship issues. This is really painful to hear, especially when you found some forces in yourself finally to try to get out from this hell.
This is so sad.

I don’t get any benefits because my husbands income is high. I cannot apply for council house because we share mortgage. I cannot rent the property because my income is too low. I cannot participate in local employment programs because I am self-employed. I cannot sell the house before I move out because my husband will not move out until it is sold and my life and my children’s lives will became hell, I have checked this already 6 months ago. This cycle is even worse then abuse cycle.

[bluedolphin]

Hi Summerday.

I don’t suppose I have any advice, except that I really hope you are able to get yourself and your children out.

I don’t really feel I have the right to advise you because I haven’t done what I’m advising…but in case this is of any help…

I understand you would prefer to get in a better position financially before leaving. I feel the same. It would be so much better to leave in a planned way. Will your husband let you work? My partner tries to stop me working, but if you are able to get a job, that sounds like a really good way of getting things in place for leaving.

If things don’t get better or get worse, it doesn’t seem right that you feel you have to wait for physical violence before leaving. One of my main barriers is I can’t face police involvement, but you sound like you are ready for it? I think you can report emotional abuse and coercive control without waiting for it to get physical. Then you might be able to have him removed with the police report? I’m sorry I don’t know if that would be enough so it would be better to check with the helpline or rights for women or local services. If it’s safe to do this without him finding out, could you record him being abusive? Or silently call a friend or the police whilst he’s being abusive? Obviously only if it’s safe.

It’s terrible that you were told it wasn’t abuse and just relationship issues! I really wish people were better trained.

It is worth trying again. I thought I’d give up, but did try again. My local WA upset me so much today, but I called a random service (different part of the UK so they couldn’t help me). They were kind enough to take just the few minutes I needed to give me the mental strength to keep trying. I think just having someone believe us and understand can help so much.

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bluedolphin
Thank you!
I agree and understand what you are saying to me.
Yes, I can try to call 101 and report him, but everything is a bit milder (?) during last 6 months, he is not so aggressive, I am allowed to use our joined bank account card. My main argument was that he changed passwords and didn’t allow me to spend money for myself. But now.. We even went on holidays with the children.
I have a lot of voice records with threatening etc from last winter, but he is really not so aggressive now. Mood changes, manipulations, compulsion for the sex (I just HAVE TO agree if I don’t want the weekend to be spoiled), some not nice words, unhappy whatever I do… But no real aggression from his side. I can provoke him of course, I know how to do this, but I don’t want my children to see it!

I have £300 on my account, that is.
I will find work, I don’t care if he will be unhappy. He is unhappy I go to gym twice a week, but i go, even every time he is saying I go there to socialise (?) and find a man. He is saying I always have time for the gym but never for him )) This is so funny ))

So I just have two possible ways at the moment:
1. If this escalates, if there is just ONE sign of his aggression like it was before – even kicking the furniture, I will call the police. Restriction order, solicitors, I will stay in the house. My solicitor told me that there is even a chance I could keep the house, like the court could issue restriction to sell it until children are 18. I don’t really believe in this, but anyway.
2. I get money (from job or somewhere else), rent a property, pack myself and the children and move out. Very quickly. We sell the house then and I have some money to live. But I need the money at least for 5-6 months of rent and bills.

this is my plan 🙂

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