Some advice please

[Daylight]

Hi I’m new to this I’m not sure how it works and really need advise what to do next or if anyone been through the same. This is what happened so far.

Myself and my lo have recently left my ex partner  and moved with family till I’m able to find refuge or council housing. 
I was with my ex for few years and didn’t realise it was domestic abuse till I spoke with my solicitor.
I was put in touch with few people to help.
He shoot me with (detail removed by Moderator) guns (detail removed by Moderator) times and constantly run me down verbally. If I asked him if he loved me he would slap me round the head or jab me on the ribs say stop being stupid. He has got me on debt by (detail removed by Moderator) via cars, loans, credit cards, store cards, saying he can’t get them as he has bad credit. 
he walked out of his job the house we lived in was tied to the job which made us homeless he refused to go Out and get a job anywhere I was paying all bills which was (detail removed by Moderator) a month and all he paid was rent which was (detail removed by Moderator) till I found out from our landlord it was only (detail removed by Moderator) a month. He was also doing cash in hand jobs. I was given no money to help to pay for bills I paid car’s insurance & car tax, utilities etc. I got him everything he wanted because if I didn’t it would be another load of abuse and by this point he had made me believe I was going crazy as I found out he was cheating on me questioned him about it and then again he hit me round head or jab me In ribs saying I was going crazy. 

I would get home from work to find little one nappy was full like it’s not been changed all day. So I’d change little one and he would ask me to do him a cuppa and he then would ask what’s for tea when he been home  hour and half longer than me. I would ask him to look after little one while I did tea or I say you do tea and I look after little one he made out he didn’t like his own cooking so it would be down to be to cook tea and look after little one. I would ask him to look after little one my ex partner would be sat up table modifying his guns or playing on his phone or blanking our son. So my ex partner would bring our little one into kitchen so I could either rock him to sleep in buggy while I was cooking or put him in his high chair in middle of kitchen with stuff to play with so little one can’t get hurt whilst I was cooking 

Also asked him to help me change little one or help me put him to bed he would say no I’m tired or just not be home as he would always be out. 

Since leaving he asked to see him once I said no due to lockdown and being with vulnerable people also he then never contacted me again after lockdown lifted so I contacted csa they contacted him that’s when the abuse happened again he told me I’m getting f**k all off him and then he going to solicitor to get full custody of our son and he then wanted to meet to discuss our son.
I took my (detail removed by Moderator) with me to discuss what best for our son he would refuse to talk to me while my (detail removed by Moderator) was in the car (he knew he could not control me while she was there) my (detail removed by Moderator) left for a few mins and he was begging me back told me to cancel csa because he can’t afford it and for us to get back together let’s get married and start again. I said no just want place for me and my son and he says he loves me. Then told me he been on line chatting woman up guess to make me fell jealous. He also said if he saw me he was going to run me off the road. 

He went to my (detail removed by Moderator) work place to tell him that he going to get me sacked from my job and he going to have our son. 

(detail removed by Moderator) I took our son to see his dad / my Ex to show I’m not stopping him see his son and when we got there little one was asleep. When he woke I told him daddy here to see you he looked at him like I don’t know you. (My ex was never at home and never played or acknowledged our son it was all me while I was with him) my ex took our son out of his car seat and placed him on his lap and all our son wanted was me then would not go back to his dad and my ex made that clear to me it was all my fault. Said let’s get a 3 bed house we all have one room and get on i said no he got mad said I was stupid and making this situation worse for our son and our son going to hate me if I don’t get back with him. 

I then got suspended from work. 

I was also told to report the domestic abuse to the police so I have and I am going to take this further fingers crossed it goes all way as now I left I feel a little stronger with all the support from family and others.

I’m scared he going to take my son? 
What do I do next?
Have I done the right thing? 
I’m still scared of him and scared that he going to hurt me or take my son.
What happens next?
Can anyone able to give me advise or what I need to do?

[Eggshells]

Hello Daylight, welcome to the forum. I’m glad you found us. I’m afraid I don’t know much about the child custody side of things but lots of ladies on here do and I’m sure they’ll be along soon.

This is a very difficult time for you and his threats and actions will naturally be a concern to you. It is exactly this kind of threatening behaviour that proves that you have done the right thing in leaving. It is right for you and for your little one. Growing up with a father who abuses the mother can be extremely damaging for children and your ex’s behaviour towards you and your little one would suggest that your little one is already a victim of his father’s neglect.

The period just after you have left can be very dangerous so please do not meet him again under any circumstances – not even if you have someone with you. As far as I am aware, your ex has no rights to see his son until the court grants him access so you are under no obligation to take your son to see him. I’m sure other ladies will clarify this for you.

Well done for reporting him to the police. That can be a very big step and you have already shown great courage. Now you need to try and get as much support as you can. Please call Women’s Aid for advice. They can point you in the right direction to find an outreach worker for you. An outreach worker will be able to advise you on what your options are now and they will support you through this journey.

The forum will also be here for you with lots of support and advice. xx

[Daylight]

Hi all thanks for reply’s i still very scared and unsure what to do next,

He now written to ask to go to mediation, he wont listern he wants all his way and wont look after our son he just doing this all to hurt me and make me go back to him which i wont because all i want is my family and my son, would like sole custoday of my son and if my ex has visitation rirights surpervised id be happy

Please can someone let me know what i need to do?

[hop]

You’re so brave for reporting him, we’ll done. He knows he can hurt you by threatening to take your child away because it terrifies us. Please just stay strong and keep going. You’re an amazing women never forget that x

[Daylight]

Hi freedomfries01
Many thanks but don’t feel strong just trying to heal and do what best for my son and try and lead a happy life just me and my boy. Just hope make him proud and going to give him all I can.

Just need to know what to do next?
Any advise would be greatly appreciated
Many thanks daylight x

[Eggshells]

Hi Daylight. I wouldn’t recommend mediation. I was advised against it and given how he bahaved through his solicitor, I can see it was absolutely the right recommendation. These men can be very manipulative and twist people around their little fingers – including trained professionals such as mediators. He will behave in a way that makes you look like you are being unreasonable. You need to deal with a solicitor who will never meet him and can’t be manipulated by him.

I’m not sure where the ladies are who know about this stuff but I’m sure they will be here for you. If your post drops off the first page before you get a reply then just add another post and the thread will be bumped back up to the top of the list.

As I said, I didn’t have to do the whole child custody thing but as far as I am aware, it is usual that the mother gets custody. I’m not sure how visits are arranged but from what I’ve read on here it is important that you do not allow any informal visits at the moment. He could just walk away with your son and not give him back to you. Also if you allow him to visit your son now, the courts will expect you to continue to allow it and may even increase his access.

[Daylight]

Hi Eggshells, thanks for getting back to me and all your usefull information, its made me realise ive made the correct decision blocking him and not letting him see our son as i wont to keep us safe.

I know its been (detail removed by Moderator) since i made a statement to the police not heard if he been arrested or not.

I hope i can get through all this like you all have finding everything so hard at minute i just wwant to live my life with my son and family, i d
I dont understand why he trying to hurt me when he been hurting me and cheating and not wanting or son when we were together

He kept telling me i was parnoid or thick and jab me in the ribs or hit me round head. So now everything im thinking or doing im still thinking that way.

I hope i can be strong and my son sees when he is older what his dad is like, i just want to protect my son and give him a happy loving and fun life.

What have other people done to get over an ex thar done all this?

Many thanks Daylight

[Daylight]

Is this domestic abuse or am I going crazy?

[Eggshells]

You are definitely not going crazy, this is domestic abuse. It’s really common to feel like you are going crazy though. We all get that feeling at some points. It can be had to take on board the gravity of what has been happening when we have spent so long living with it as our normal.

[Daylight]

Hi Eggshells, thanks for getting back to me and all your usefull information, its made me realise ive made the correct decision blocking him and not letting him see our son as i wont to keep us safe.

I know its been (detail removed by Moderator) since i made a statement to the police not heard if he been arrested or not.

I hope i can get through all this like you all have finding everything so hard at minute i just wwant to live my life with my son and family, i d
I dont understand why he trying to hurt me when he been hurting me and cheating and not wanting or son when we were together

He kept telling me i was parnoid or thick and jab me in the ribs or hit me round head. So now everything im thinking or doing im still thinking that way.

I hope i can be strong and my son sees when he is older what his dad is like, i just want to protect my son and give him a happy loving and fun life.

What have other people done to get over an ex thar done all this?

Can anyone help on the custody side? I’m wanting sole custody for me and visitation rights Only for him supervised access for me only? Can anyone advise what to do or If I could do this?

Many thanks Daylight

[Anonymous]

Hi Daylight,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like a piece of work too.

In regards to access to your lo, you need to tell cafcass of any concerns or worries you have regarding your ex. Also when you attend court you can put forward those concerns to the judge/magistrates. Just be sensible with the proceedings and don’t bite because that’s what he’ll be wanting.

If you’re unmarried and your son usually lives with you, then it’s highly unlikely he’d get anymore contact than every other weekend but of course this depends on any concerns you might have etc. All decisions will be made in the best interests of lo and we all know children thrive more with their mothers because that’s what we do.

Don’t let it worry you too much. This is all part of his further emotional abuse towards you. Anytjing else that happens you should keep a little diary and record anything he says or does that is unacceptable behaviour.

I can’t advice you on what to do now you’ve left as I’m still here. Just enjoy living in normality and being free. Also take some time to reflect on everything that’s happened and see that you’ve done nothing wrong. I hope it all sorts itself out for you, but in the meantime try and relax x

[iamme]

Hi Daylight,

I think if he goes to court for access, you need to tell CAFCASS about all the things he’s done to you and how he neglects his son. You mentioned guns, instantly that a red flag. You said he shot you with some type of gun. I think you don’t actually realise all the types of abuse he’s inflicted on you. I would suggest reading up on the types of abuse when you are ready so that you know what has happened to you. I am saying this because I didn’t realise I was being raped because I was so shut down until I rang the national domestic violence helpline. That was only one of the ways I was being abused and I had no idea because my mind blocked it out.

My husband reported me to social services because he said if he couldn’t have the kids, then neither will I. He wanted to hurt me where it would hurt the most. SS’s advice was to not allow contact because he wasn’t putting his children’s best interests first. Thankfully my children were old enough to tell SS about what was happening.

He’s made threats against you, so would your child be safe if he really wanted to get back at you. (detail removed by Moderator) He dragged me through mediation which is inappropriate in cases of DV which the mediator picked up straightaway. I was honest with CAFCASS and they appreciated the honesty. They asked about my mental health and I told them the meds I was on and the lady said from what I’d told her, she wasn’t surprised that I was on them. She said as long as it wasn’t affecting my ability to parent, which it wasn’t, then it was fine. My solicitor said it just backed up my side of things.

Be honest with CAFCASS, and with yourself. If he’s a threat to you, he won’t be allowed unsupervised access but you will need to make a statement to the courts of the things he’s done and you’ll need a good family law solicitor. Look on the womensaid website. There is a questionnaire about different types of abuse. There’s a lot of resources and links there as well. A solicitor will be able to help you through the process.

Your worried because you don’t trust this person with your child. I was the same. Be strong and don’t try to protect your ex. He’s a grown adult and wouldn’t hesitate to throw you under the bus. Work with everyone involved making sure things are in place to keep you and your son safe.

Take care, be strong x

[Daylight]

Hi

Thanks for all your advice, it has made me see it all bit more clearly,

Did you contact caffcass direct or do i need to do that after i have been to court?

How have you been able to get through everything sounds like you not had it easy either?

I dont want to lose my son and dont want my ex to brain wash him like he did me?

Why does my ex say things to hurt me? I always done what he wanted me to except running back to him.

I want to protect my little one and give him life he deserves and make him proud and get a place me and my boy.

Many thanks

[Anonymous]

It will depend on whether he applies for the child arrangement order after mediation. But if you deem you cannot attend mediatuon due to his abuse then you can call the office when you recieve the letter. That will be the first steps in your proceedings. If he wants to proceed with a child arrangement order then the mediator will sign it off for him and he can send it to the local court. You will then be contacted by the court requesting you attend a first hearing and dispute resolution hearing. It’s called a FHDRH for short. It will tell you on that letter that cafcass will be in touch to do some criminal record checks and to see if your child is known to the local authority.

Just be honest with cafcass because they are the eyes and ears of your son and will look at any contact from his point and also yours. After your telephone interview you may or may not recieve a brief summary of cafcass findings. The next step will be your first hearing.

If you feel that your lo will be safe then maybe allow some contact that will suit him, but if you have serious safeguarding concerns about your ex then you absolutely have to go with proceedings if that’s what your ex wants, he may not actually go through with it if he sees you’re calm and going with the flow.

And I know about family proceedings as my ex threatened me with it a while ago, if I ever left. I panicked and booked in with a solicitor, he was Bery good and offered alot of advice in great detail. I know abit about children’s law anyway which came in handy.

It’s rubbish that we suffer at the hands of these so called men and just when you think they can’t go any lower, they use our children to hurt us with more. I’m not sure about your situation but my abuser doesn’t even acknowledge or recognise my children, never bathed, never fed, never played with them and never spent any time with them but you’re suddenly going to become daddy daycare because I want to leave you. He’s had enough time to be a father if he wanted to but he’s do wrapped up in himself that he doesn’t care about anyone else.

It’s going to be a worrying time for you and trust me I truly know how you’re feeling now but try and get sleep and rest. Your abuser will be hoping to get this reaction from you xx

[Daylight]

Hi turtledove

My ex was same never acknowleged him and did anything with him, morning after i came out of hospital he took his other son out i was on my own with my little one id only been out hospital (detail removed by Moderator) hrs

Also when i asked him to help he would not help change, feed, bath, or care for him, if i left thd room little one would cry so i tryed to do everything when he was asleep. My ex would never change a nappy or deal with his son it was all me all coz i went to the csa he now wanting our son an i not heard from him after we split then when he recieved the letter from csa he got nasty again

He says its all my fault he cant pay for his son he walked out of his job and didnt protect his family only to think of himself and expected me to keep paying bills and rent. He begging for me tto go back to him but he moved his with women he been seeing behind my back since day one.

I feel its all my fault and he telling me it is so

Trying to look forward and sort everything out quickly but my head hurts and dont know where to start.

Ive been focusing on my little one he so much happier and sleeping well and in a routine he never had that before because my ex was never wuite and kept waking little man up

I am never going back but to stop all the pain is to go back but i need to do what best for my boy and thats keep going.

Hope things get better

[Anonymous]

I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you, but you’ll be fine now you’ve left. If will be hard but if will get easier. You don’t need a man like that in your life and your son will thrive even more by not being in this situation.

Y abuser can be awful with money too. In the past he would look for something to go on a rant about, if would be something I did or didn’t do. If I tried to speak he’d say I’m knocking x amounts off the shopping money until it was literally down to 0. And like clockwork you can guarantee he’d disappear all weekend with no mention of money. He’d send me a text saying ask daddy, then I wouldn’t see him until maybe Monday, he’d text before asking what was for dinner!! I knew after that that I had to start working again, so I took a casual job that worked around my girls and started selling on certain sites to bump my income.

The worse part is, he has a very well paid job. When he does pay, he’ll be moaning about it for days how he is the breadwinner and this fantastic bloke. Let’s all bow down. Lol!

You know aswell as doing nothing physically for his children, he has never brought them a bday or Xmas present!!! Seriously. I save all year round to give them the best xmases and beats, but he isn’t interested. But to the outside world he’s this amazing man that provides for his kids! He even said to the kids the other day, look how clever you both are, daddy taught you both all you know! I wanted to be sick.

In the meantime though you keep your chin up and enjoy your freedom. Now he’s lost control he’ll be desperate to find a way to get it back xx

[Daylight]

Thanks your right turtledove,

You had it bad too hope ur ok?
Your doing so good,

Im going to keep going it will only get better and like you now i have money i have started saving for my son birthday and christmas as this year will be the best hopefully with my family and people who actual do care.

Thanks for being there xx

[Anonymous]

It’s been an experience, let’s put it that way. I look forward to being away and getting to know myself again. Anytime you need to talk you can send me a message. It is good to talk after all and we all have the same thing in common which makes us all equal xx

[Author]

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