Someone please help

[Starmoon]

Got my social services complaint meeting today in regards to all the shocking mistakes the social worker made. I’ve had to fully read the report so that I know what I’m facing. I don’t even understand why his version of what happened when he attacked me is even in a social service report. I don’t know why that has any bearing on my ability to parent. They aren’t the police. Why have they spoken to him to ask him what he did to me that night? It makes me feel physically sick reading what he’s said and I don’t know how to handle it. It’s all lies! Everything he said is a lie…. And what’s more the social worker totally believed him- it’s obvious. All the times he’s attacked me and physically hurt me- she’s asked him what ‘really happened’ and he’s charmed the pants off her saying I’m mentally unstable. At the end of the report she asks him what he wanted as a result of this and he states that I am stopping him from seeing his child (not true) and he wants the children safeguarded. He said that I give my children to my parents and that they are never with me- it’s all lies!! I feel so so sick!! Why has he said all of that?! He really sees me as this mentally ill person and I’m not- or I wasn’t before I met him! I Amongst reading all of his c**p- the whole reason for this meeting was to take the proof from Doctor that I do not have a mental illness. She stated in her report that a doctor had given her a diagnosis. He denies giving her a diagnosis and because I don’t have one!
I do not know how to compartmentalize all of this- I don’t know how to handle the fact that he is doing this to me and all of the things he has already done. I don’t know how to be sane when he has broken me so much!! How can I prove that I am sane when the only people I can get help to fight this are the people who are going to say I’m mentally ill. If i am considered ill then all his lies are believed. I hate myself enough and it’s just more criticism from him and more proving myself and I have already spent my whole life proving myself- I can’t do it anymore!!

[Starmoon]

Once again sat on my bathroom floor crying because I don’t know how to deal with this. I can not stand the lies he’s told. I don’t know how a normal person deals with this… Now I’m wondering is it all lies. Maybe it really was all me after all. It must have been. It must have been my fault!! I must deal with everything in the wrong way and maybe I am mentally ill. Anyone would’ve done the same if they were in his shoes I gave him no choice but to hurt me

[Starmoon]

I can’t fight this anymore. I can’t face what I am and what I’ve done

[Starmoon]

Maybe what he says isn’t lies… Maybe that’s why this hurts so much

[feelinglost]

we will never truly be able to understand the minds of our perps. I was once told that in order for them to be able to abuse/control us is that they have to have appear to others that they are this kind, attentive loving character they do this in order to gain control so that when you leave or try to leave they are then able to convince us that we are the liars and we are the the ones who need help.
Remember that the abuse was never your fault you could have moved mountains for them and they would still be able to find fault in your actions they will never take responsibility for what they have done it will always be someone else’s fault.
Try and stay strong for your children remember you are their voice!Try and stay calm when talking to the social services as you explain what has happened and as you listen to what he has said its hurtful remember its okay to get upset have you got any family members of yours or friends that can be there for you too?

Have you tried calling you local women’s aid to get advice?

Sorry I’m not much help thinking of you and your children xx

[KIP.]

Hi there. You get your story straight in you head and you never ever deviate from it. You put his lies to one side and simply state that his version is simply not true. You state you are traumatised from years of abuse and his final assault. It is him that was arrested. Above all, try to stay calm. These (detail removed by Moderator) ‘professionals’ can be so ignorant. You can say something like ‘l know he comes across as plausible, but that’s simply not the real him’. Don’t be bullied. You know the truth. If you get upset then ask for a break. If it becomes too much for you then say so and leave. Have great faith in yourself. You are a strong woman. Make notes before hand if you have to. Good luck x

[godschild]

Hi Starmoon, this is so so bad you being up against this and his lies, not sure what time your appointment is or was but be strong , the fact that he is using not seeing the childern is rubbish as far as I know he could have applied to see them during his bail wihtout seeing you, has he even bothered to do that.
I hate lies more than anything, do hope you get your points accross has he not done enough to you wihtout lying and causing false issues with SS, its a shame you cant have your HV involved she knows the truth, take care and let us know, you can pm me anytime dont forget that , hate to think of you having to face this xxxx

[SaharaD]

Hi Starmoon

What does you DV/DA worker say? What about the Freedom Programme workers? You can also get an advocate so you don’t have to meet social services on your own.

Listen your parents can write a letter saying that he is a liar and the DVDA workers can write their own report about his behaviour and your competency to parent.

Don’t give in. Don’t focus on his lies. Your parents, GP and support workers know the truth and anyone who saw your injuries.

Focus on putting yourself in the best light possible for the social workers. Don’t make comments about him, only show that you are concerned for the kids and that you are Ok.

[lookingforward]

Hi I agree with the above posts. Stick to the facts when putting your side across. Your birthday evening sounds pretty much similar to what happened to me (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago and I too have been in turmoil since. Don’t try to rationalize his behaviour these kind of people do not have logic. You are free now and there will be hurt and pain but one day you will look back and be glad that you made the right decision. As for mental health you are probably suffering from anxiety and depression as a result of ongoing abuse, this is natural. Remember GPs are general practitioners they do not have the authority or experience to diagnose serious mental health conditions. They refer you to experienced professionals who do not diagnose lightly and it does take time. Try and stay strong and focused. Trust you gut and don’t doubt yourself these abusers are expert in lying and deceit, they have had a lifetime to perfect it. Good luck xx

[Starmoon]

Cutting it short, last year heavily pregnant I had a brake down. I couldn’t cope with him and his constant mental abuse… Although I didn’t realize it was abuse… Of course I didn’t- I utterly believed everything was my fault and my brain just stopped taking it all in… I begged cmht to help me… I told them I didn’t want to be me anymore. I fully lost my grasp on reality. He was controlling my brain from the inside- everything flipped on its head and I saw threw his eyes. With the conflict of everything that I believed had been rite prior to the brake down- I concluded I must be a terrible person, not capable of being in the real world without someone telling me how I should behave. I had crisis team come out to me daily and even though the nurses involved actually did suggest I had been abused- I couldn’t see it anymore. Cmht assigned me a support worker who checks on me once in a blue moon to make sure the counseling I’m not getting is helping and the medication I’m on is suiting me etc. I don’t have any one around In regards to the domestic abuse as the only thing available to me at the moment is the freedom program. I went to one session last year but never went back as I really wasn’t ready for it- I’m still not.
I’m going to pay privately for domestic abuse counseling but that doesn’t start until next week. I am fortunate to be able to fund it but don’t have unlimited funds.
I think the meetings went ok… They ‘seemed’ shocked at the fact that the sw had incorrectly said it was child protection in order to gain information and I think they were shocked that I had written proof from said doctor that I do not have the diagnosis that she had stated I do. This doctor is a physiatrist and I met with his manager this afternoon strait after the ss meeting. He has only ever spoken to me a few times for no more than five minutes and only in regards to medication- which has always confused me as I never understood why I needed to speak to him about my medication when my own gp could prescribe it anyway. His manager said that I didn’t have to attend meetings with him and although he didn’t say that I had a diagnosis to the sw he did admit telling her what my symptoms were and information about my medication. He defends that he did this because she said it’s a child protection matter (which again- it never was). They are visibly worried that I am going to take this further. Thankfully I have proven to ss that I do not have a diagnosed mental illness, not that it should matter if I did- just that they would have no rite to know this anyway. They have stated that the report will be amended and that they will look into training in regards to how they handle things in the future… It’s up to me if I take things any further. It’s also up to me if I take things further over the doctor!
I really really could’ve done without all of this. I’ve been mentally (that’s the worst part), physically, and sexually abused. I’ve been drugged and robbed of all my self worth by this man! Years and years I’ve hated myself. Not allowed myself to grieve the loss of my baby twins or my baby this year- because I hated myself. I felt like a vile human being and I still do. I want to cry over the horrible things he’s done to me. I don’t want to cry because I hate myself… I want to hate him… But I don’t even get chance to allow myself to because he is carrying on his abuse threw them. I still fail to see why his version of events when he attacked me has any reason to be in the report. The case is closed… But reading what he’s said makes me so so sick. It’s lies! I can’t even believe anyone can lie like that. How could I love a man that can’t even admit what he did to me. And not only that, but tell them lies about me!!!

[Starmoon]

Also… They asked me, if he was so abusive- why did I even go and stay in a hotel with him on my birthday… At this stage I said to them “I’m sorry- do you have any training in regards to domestic abuse?… I know how well he comes accross- I spent years with him, we have children together.. He is my abuser and my savior!!”. I explained how it all came about, he had made an allegation (one of many that I was fighting to prove was a lie)… Ss actually told me I needed to get cctv footage to prove that I was not where he said I was at the time he said I was emotionally unstable. I said that it was utterly crazy that I was having to prove all of this to them when the case was open- so as far as I was concerned- I didn’t like ss very much. Eventually I called him up to ask him why he was lying about me and he pulled his charm offensive. Saying it was all a mistake and that we’d fight ss together and he’d do anything to show me and them that he was sorry and I was a good mum. He told me he had called them to explain!! So after this- I believed him. Of course I did!! And I fell for him again which is why I went away with him for my birthday. But everything he said about that night was so untrue!!

[Ayanna]

It is great that you write all this down.
You know yourself.
Putting all your suffering into words will help you to stand your ground.
You have no mental illness.
You probably have PTSD because you were badly abused for a long time. These useless ss do not improve the situation, they actually make your PTSD worse by giving you more trauma.
You can complain about every single person that did you wrong.
In the NHS the time for complaints is one year in many places, but they make exemptions.
I think you need to seek out the people to whom you send complaints and request an investigation, that you were also institutionally badly abused and more traumatised.
Ask the CAB for legal support.

[Starmoon]

Thank you. I will be taking things further where the doctor is concerned. I’m just disgusted that my private medical information has been shared. I know that my records with social services will be changed in regard to the in correct diagnosis but they still have facts about my symptoms and medication and so on. The managers letter which I took to social services did state that they all echoed they had no concern for my safety or my children’s. But that just proves even more so that they had no rite to share information. I said to this manager that if he is charged for his assult (I really hope with all I’ve got that he is) that it will go to court and he will argue that I am mentally unstable and social services will vouch for that woth their records. It’s little comfort- but she said that if that were to happy- she would happily rite a statement, as would my couselor to say that it is clear I am suffering the effects of serious abuse and that’s why I acces their help. I firmly said that I’m sure I will be calling them for that statement! I just have to seriously pray that he really did record me that night (as he said he did) and it will prove it was him keeping me in the room. I want him charged and I want him convicted for what he did… But then i know that fighting that will be hell on earth too.

[KIP.]

Well done. You sound so strong. Its awful how you have to fight the system as well as you abuser. I had to complain about my solicitor to her boss and got all of my money back and compensation. A police officer was arrested for misconduct because of my statement. My abuser was convicted in court. I spent decades and saw many professionals, doctors, phscologists, psychiatrists and not one ever ever mentioned the words domestic abuse! I had no idea that he was causing my depression and anxiety. The ‘professionals’ just kept blaming PND because his abuse escalated after our child was born which is typical with domestic abuse. I guess im trying to say, i went through hell, like you are but i held many of these people to account and his gave me a kind of satisfaction. And i like to think that other women not so able to deal with them will benefit. Theres a much bigger picture so keep fighting the good fight. I think Winston Churchill said ‘if youre going through hell, keep going’. I agree aboit the lies. Mine has lied to police, courts, solicitors, our child etc. It takes alot to get your head round the sort of person who lies so easily. And the lies are so transparrent, ite shameful once you get past the hurt. They are idiots. Let him lie, they always get caught out. They cant even remember their lies❤️

[godschild]

Starmoon you are showing such strength in all of this, you may get knocked down but you are rising back up again, each time you get up you get stronger, I think he has shown you now what he is made of in lying about you and sparing himself, this will give you strength to fight on with us all behind you every step of teh way xxxx

[Ayanna]

Make sure you write victim impact statement before that court hearing.
You can take legal action against that doctor. Take it as high as you can and get financial compensation. They need to feel the pain, otherwise they do not learn.

[KIP.]

Starmoon, I was reading about how they asked you why you went to a hotel with him. This is blatant victim blaming and I would make an official complaint. It doesn’t matter if you went naked and screamed beat me. It was his behaviour that was illegal and got him arrested. Not yours. I’m sick of this victim blaming culture. How dare they ask you to explain your behaviour. You did nothing wrong. It’s dreadful. If he had beat you every day for a year and on day 352 you decided to report his abuse, that is his fault not yours! Absolute disgrace. I know this episode will now bring on an aftershock which is what I got and still get when I have to confront things like this. Remember, the shock will pass. Just take it easy for a couple days X

[Starmoon]

You’re rite!! I recorded the whole meeting on my phone and plan to continue to do so.. It’s never sat rite with that they even asked his version of events. My solicitor is away on holiday at the moment but when she gets back I’m asking her about all of it xx

[Starmoon]

I said to them that non of it makes sense, I said- so he could turn up on my door step and beat me up. If I were to call the police it would be me who’s investigated by social services. Their answer was “yes because the children are in your care and not his”…. I said that is utterly insane!! He can do what ever he likes to me and I have to stay calm, not become upset because if I do I’m emotionally unstable…if i contact the police then ss investigate me by protocol

[KIP.]

Let the idiot ss investigate all they like. You have nothing to hide. If you didn’t report his behaviour they would investigate that too. It’s a shame but meantime you have to play the ss game. Stay calm and stay no contact with your abuser. That way he cannot play his mind games or manipulate the situation. Remember you have done nothing wrong. For years I carried that guilty feeling, it’s how our abusers keep control. You have shown ss your teeth by complaining, and drawing attention to their failings. Well done you.

[Starmoon]

Thank you all so much for your replies x*x

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