Something is up

[Anonymous]

I have been having this feeling for a while that something is up. He is getting more frustrated and aggressive by the day. It is only a matter of time before he cracks again and I dont even know whats going on or how to stop it.

Yesterday my manager told me they would like to do a team build where we all go do go carting and have drinks afterwards. They company is paying as it is team building so I dont have much of a choice to go. I immediately panicked. We used to always work together and the previous time we had to attend a company do, he couldnt go as he was sick and I was forced to go by my employer. That night when I got home, we had a huge fight and it turned very bad. He even ended up putting chilies in my eyes so I wont be able to see. I was badly beaten. After that day, I try to avoid all company related events, but in this case I dont have a choice…it is team building.

I told him about it before he came to pick me up as I know he is going to ask me why I didnt tell him immediately. He told me he will take off work for the day and join us. I know it is not the right thing to do as my manager will think badly of this, but I just left it there. Atleast I will be able to go and not get beaten afterwards.

When he picked me up and I got in the car, he immediately started fighting with me. Told me that I am pathetic just by thinking of going. I tried explaining to him that I dont want to go and tried making an excuse, but he just told me to keep my mouth he doesnt want to hear anything. He told me that I will not be going and this is not the end, I will be hearing from this again. This all for no reason?

How do I now tell my manager that I cant join team building? It is during works hours as well so I am not too sure how to handle this. If I dont go, I will create a bad image of myself at the company. If I do go, all hell will be loose.

[Serenity]

Hi,

I know you don’t live in this country and I don’t know what support there is for victims of domestic abuse where you live. And you said in your other post that you can’t tell friends or family. But his man is positively evil.

I can’t believe he put chillies in your eyes. This man is sick.

About the team building: these abusers also have professional jealousy- they can’t bear us succeeding or enjoying ourselves at work. They want to isolate us and keep us down.

At the end of the day, your job will be your life line of and when you are able to leave your abuser. It isn’t fair that your partner makes you look bad to your manager. Is there any way you can talk to anyone at work about the difficult position you are in at home? Are they supportive and discreet?

Your post makes me so sad. I pray for you that you find a way of getting out, so you can live a life of peace. But any plan to leave will have to be done cleverly, as these men up the abuse when we leave.

[Anonymous]

Hi Serenity

Thank you for the kind post.

I know my job will be my life line and it is very difficult to find another so I am trying my best to keep this one, but he is making it extremely difficult. I really want to go and have a good impression at work, but I am so afraid. He has professional jealousy, ever since I met him. In the beginning he even refused for me to have a job, but we couldnt handle that financially so I was forced to get a job where he can get one too. We then both lost our jobs and dont work together anymore and this seems to trigger him even more.

I think I can talk to one of the ladies at work, but I am too afraid. When I started working here they told me about a lady who worked here before I did and told them she was being abused. They told me that it is not something you bring to work with you. So I think talking to them might give them the wrong impression of me and I might end up losing my job.

Thank you for the prayers and the support

[Healthyarchive]

Dear woman in need, I, m so sorry to hear about this dreadful situation that you are in.dealing with the immediate problem, if it were me I would not go to the work event, tell my manager my relative is ill in hospital or something like that. And then I would put a serious action plan together in how to leave him.xxxxx

[Anonymous]

Hi HA

Thank you for the lovely advise.

I also thought of not coming in on the day they want to do the team building, but I am scared that my manager will just reschedule for another day as he said he wants me to be there. If I use too many excuses I know he would find it fishy, but I think that is what I am going to do. I do not want to go and things get worse with him.

I am still finding it difficult to get a plan together as I still have a few doubts. I have done a lot of research and all you ladies opened up my eyes to a lot of things, but I still struggle to deal with everything.

Thank you for all the support, the forum has helped me a lot as well. Not too sure what I wouldve done without it. I do sometimes struggle to post as I feel I am betraying him, but without these posts and just getting my emotions out, I am not sure how I wouldve dealt with everything.

Thank you to everyone for all the support

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Womaninneed, I am so sorry to hear about this unbearable situation that you have been placed in. Your partner is being really awful to you, you may not realize how badly it is affecting you as sometimes the damage is being done to the victim without them realizing it. I think the victim is just doing all that they can trying to get by and even survive, without realizing the dreadful psychological damage this does to you long term. What you have written about what he is doing makes me feel so sad, it is blatantly wrong. Please do get an action plan together to leave. It’s not easy and there will be challenges every day in your path, but all of these are preferable to the dynamics of your relationship. You will get so much help from this forum, this forum saved me to be honest. Plus the multitude of books available, I always love the HG Tudor books and Why Does He Do That. N********t Free by Zari Ballard is helping me in managing the trauma bonding and missing him emotions. Please keep posting and sharing, as this is so therapeutic and good for you. We are all here for you and are on your side. XXXXX

[Florence]

this happens to me ALL the time – I haven’t been on a work do for years and everyone gets together and has a great time – I arrange them and am the boss and then don’t go. people have got the idea I think. but do what healthyarchive said and make an excuse literally last minute so they cannot rearrange. thinking of you x

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much Florence. I will think of a way not too go.

It really hurts though, I hate not being able to do things.

xox

[Ayanna]

Hi, I would tell my manager the truth.
I would request a private meeting in the office where nobody can listen and tell really everything.
I would just not put up with that.
The manager may know people …
If you are good at your job the manager will think of ways to help you.
When I tried to escape I told everything at work. They knew, if I did not turn up one day he could have possibly killed me.
My manager later bullied me, but our security was amazing and their manager even gave me advice which words to use in court because English is my second language.
Not all managers are bullies like my former manager. I would risk telling the truth and maybe that will change your life for the better.

[Anonymous]

Hi Ayanna

I think he might know people, but the problem is that I have only been here a few months. He is not a bully, but I know he hates dealing with people’s issues and I am not sure if he would be the right person to discuss this with.

I am sorry to hear your manager bullied you. Hope that all is ok now

[Author]

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