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I just had a discussion about something in work with a colleague, the minute they indicated they disagreed with me (in a kind and respectful way), I got anxious. At home, when my partner says he disagrees he then normally will not relent and ever say that I have a point. He believes he is 100% right and I am wrong. It is never a discussion. So I get anxious that I am going to be backed into a corner like at home.
First time I have ever realised the reason for that anxiety.
I then find myself thinking frantically of all the reasons why I am right and because I am free to speak here, I find myself getting angry and wanting to “win” the discussion. When really it should be just that, a discussion, so I calm myself and hope they don’t notice how mad I was getting.
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I think time and building your confidence a day self esteem back will help. This is what I am hoping as your not alone this is exactly what I feel. My husband was exactly the same I wasn’t allowed an opinion and if I tried to voice an opinion about anything I was put in my place. I would give up even having a conversation as it feels hardly worth it.
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Yes I recognise that feeling. Because you can at last say what you think you want to win for once.
Not that I fight much now. I have fibromyalgia from the years of oppression. Occasionally I go bonkers making a point and then realise it was the wrong person… I am sorry for all of us that we aren’t allowed free expression. -
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I was just thinking about this this evening, how my ex boyfriend could never be wrong on anything and how he used to always try to trick me into agreeing with his warped, misogynistic views. I think he was trying to break down my strong, feminist core. I am so thankful that I stood up to him and didn’t waver on my views, it feels very satisfying knowing that I stuck to my views and also escaped him, thus defeating his evil game. Although I figured him out early on in the hostile/threatening stage before he became violent, I imagine that if he’d been violent I wouldn’t have dared to disagree for fear of the consequences, which is exactly what these types of men want.
It has left me more determined than ever to be true to myself, my views and strengthen my feminist core even further. It sounds like you are growing in strength Janedoissad and recognising your partner for who he really is. Let us know if you need any help and support planning your escape along with the helpline.
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Hi Sunshinerainflower,
I so wish I had your bravery some days! Sometimes if I know for certain I am right then I will state the facts which prove it. You can’t argue with facts! However, if the topic is more subjective then I will just agree with him as trying to argue a point just gets boring and it seems to escalate when it really does not need to. I know my values and they won’t change because he is shouting at me. I just let him believe he won and I’ve changed my view.
Thats what keeps me sane. Knowing that I’ve made him think he has control when he doesn’t have as much as he believes. Yes, I may have stopped seeing my family as far as he is aware but I see them when he believes I am somewhere else. I tell him I agree with him when I don’t and never will. If I can get away with it I will tell him I have done a task he asked me to do when I haven’t. Just to give me time to do everything I need to do.
Most importantly I will take complete control when I leave without his knowledge!
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You are just doing what you need to currently do to survive, it’s completely normal and safe and nothing to do with bravery. When the time comes and you have a plan in place and it’s safe to leave you will access your inner strength reserves too and leave. You’re already being extremely strong and resilient living in an abusive situation, you will realise afterwards the toll it takes on you. Is there something that is keeping you trapped with him at the moment? Have you rung the helpline?
Your partner sounds similar to my ex (these abusers are all so similar), I knew to keep the peace that I’d have to agree with him and find a way for everything to be my fault. Usually he would have done or said something very cruel and nasty to me and I would have been hurt but he was incapable of taking responsibility so I always had to, initially he convinced me it was me in the wrong and I believed him and was always apologising for everything and anything. But I started to see a pattern and realised that everything couldn’t always be my fault and that he was systematically being cruel towards me then denying it/minimising it/deflecting blame/gaslighting. I only realised it had been an abusive relationship and that he was dangerous a few days after I left and rang the helpline.
The only times I didn’t back down were when it was something horribly misogynistic about women, I would never agree to those arguments and I still remember the look of irritation on his face, lol. Sometimes I think he chose me because he knew I was a feminist and he wanted to break me down.
They are sort of like little boys in men’s bodies, their emotional development seems to stop around the age of 5, it’s a weird thing to notice. Most five year olds have learnt that if you do something mean, you have to face the consequences and apologise but somehow these men have got through their whole lives treating others horrendously yet somehow shirking all responsibility and blame.
I am very glad that you have maintained contact with your family, how awful of him to try to deny you that. Keep strong, keep going and keep posting.
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What was keeping me here is obligation and guilt…and maybe a little fear. The fear is not as strong as the other two emotions. My plan to leave involves me moving a good distance away, so keeping myself safe after should be relatively straight forward. Plus he will see it that I’ve ruined his life by leaving and I’m pretty certain, unlike some other peoples partners, he will never want to see or speak to me again. This was the pattern with his last partner. I can not even mention her name, or her existence. He never wants to see her again and thankfully they live miles apart. As he would probably move if she decided to live closer.
I have a plan but I am trying to put it into place when he is away, which doesn’t happen very often. I have phoned the helpline and I have been into Womens Aid. They have been very helpful. They have told me my plan is sound, I just need to carry it out safely and without his knowledge. As much as I am sure he would not follow me or try and win me back, I am certain that I do not want to be within a 2 mile radius when he finds out I’ve gone. I think he would hit out if I was actually there to say I was leaving.
I totally agree with you on them being like 5 year olds. My partner definitely has “tantrums”. He is a perpetual victim. He is never wrong, someone else always is. He can never see how his actions have consequences. Part of the reason I’ve motivated myself to leave is because if I stay, I’m “telling him” that his behaviour is acceptable, when it is not. He needs the life lesson that he needs to be humble and considerate. Although I doubt he’ll learn that lesson, he didn’t with his ex.
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