Sometimes I feel I am overreacting and that I have made a mistake in leaving

[PolarBear]

I hate the feeling that I have said goodbye to the love of my life. I have never really had a successful long term relationship so I wonder whether I can. At times I felt so loved and that this was the one I would marry. I kept thinking that we could get through these problems. I am in the process of moving and at the end of this week it will be done, and its hard to say goodbye to that life, the time with him and the friends I have met and all the great stuff there. Especially as my new life is not fully set up and I have lots of time to think. I still love him. It is hard when common friends don’t see the other side in that person and it feels like its you that has to change and its your fault, you are ‘too sensitive’. I will never know if things were to continue, whether he would have hit me. It was when I was over analyzing and saying to him I wish i could stop my brain from overthinking. He said I wish I could take it away, which was so sweet and then he would say do you want a punch in the face? When i later questioned him about it, he would deny it and then I would say yes you did and he said ‘I felt the first thing was silly so made something up to counter it. I think he struggled with being open and vulnerable and it was his protection to act all hard, and maybe he didn’t understand how to act with a woman as he went to an all boys school? I think its because I have left that life and all is the same with him and our common friends which makes me feel like he did nothing wrong. I did that so he would have support as I was worried for his mental health, as he told me he felt suicidal when he thought his last girlfriend was leaving him. But he has said this to other people too which makes me question if it was used as a threat or not, maybe he was just opening up to me. I know it sounds silly that I am questioning if I have done the right thing but its because I feel so scared that I have given up my chance of happiness. I am not perfect either, I brought issues into the relationship too. Has anyone ever worked through their problems with someone and had success? Its weird it’s like the song ‘I can’t live with or without you’. Do other people feel like this? Does anyone have any advice on how to keep strong

[Anonymous]

Everyone has issues – everyone – but not everyone is abusive! Deep down you know the answer – they are masters of manipulation, using guilt and fear to make you think they aren’t what we know they are. From what you have said he has gaslighted you (threatening to punch you and then denying it!). Walk away with your head held high and treat this as a life lesson. These people are attracted to us because we are good people, they want to feel associated with our goodness – there is nothing wrong with you – it is all him.

Keep posting on here, keep talking and keep reading,

TTMO x

[PolarBear]

Thank you timetomoveon. It’s really helpful to have this site and talk to people that can relate to these experiences. I really hope I can learn to trust again, why do these people have to be so caring also? They suck you in, and then they play with your emotions. I hope you have had a good Easter and thank you for your reply and support. It really does help x

[maddog]

YOu have done so, so well to get away. I realised years and years ago that my husband was abusive, but I swept those thoughts firmly under the carpet. It was when my daughter attacked me and he goaded her on that the penny finally dropped.

[PolarBear]

Thank you maddog, it is really hard to face it. I just can’t believe how brave and strong you and other women with children are to get through these experiences. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to make these decisions and break free or stay when children are involved. This whole experience has really opened my eyes as to how much this happens in the world. Ever time I ring women’s aid and find it is engaged I think about how many women are struggling in that moment and it makes me so sad. But having this site is helpful in giving me hope. And opening up on here is different to talking to others as I know people here get it. I feel sometimes people are getting impatient with me, that maybe I should be over it by now. And I get impatient with myself also. I hope you have had a good Easter x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi PolarBear,

I think everyone escaping an abuser feels like this multiple times in a cycle, I know I did. It’s the effects of the gaslighting, the lies, the confusion, the trauma bonding and the fear that the abuser used to keep us trapped. For me I had/still have a fear of never finding anyone and having a family, so I was a bit desperate when I met my ex and didn’t want to keep dating different men, so I feared I was throwing away ‘a good man’ when I ended things which he played on. They use whatever weakness, fear or vulnerability you have at the time as one of their hooks.

My ex also threatened me then completely denied every saying it when I brought it up, saying I had a mental illness and had imagined it. These men are evil really, and it hard for us to fathom as we are the opposite and would never do any of the things they do to us repeatedly without batting an eyelid.

It is confusing and super painful at first but it does get better, you just have to keep going. Write down a list of all of the abuse if you haven’t already, I have pinned mine on a noticeboard and read it whenever I get confused and it really helps clarify my mind about who he was and what he did to me.

[PolarBear]

Thank you SunshineRainFlower, its a comfort to be able to relate to others and realise I am not the only one that feels like this although I wish it was not happening to us! I can completely relate to you regarding wanting a family. I think this is what is intensifying my anxiety and fear as I can feel a biological clock ticking and I am scared I will run out of time, and I remember the good kind caring side of him and think I have blown it, which makes me really sad. For some reason these feelings become intensely strong when I have pmt. Does anyone else have this? And this week its a combination of pmt and leading up to moving the furniture which makes the decision final I guess and that is so scary. I think its hard for me to trust that there can be healthy relationships out there as I grew up in unhealthy dynamics, where my dad cheated on my mum and was controlling and also shouted a lot, and now this. I do think these recent events have been a turning point for me though. I had to walk away as I was starting to punch walls and this really scared me (I think this was also due to me not being on the right medication also, another reason why I doubt my decision as I fear that the medication altered my perception of things). Its like I had reached such a rock bottom place that I was forced to change (moving away and my medication etc). I think part of the unease is that I didn’t really confront him properly on the bad behaviour as i was scared for his mental health and of his reaction. I wish I had to see if he would have agreed to help himself. But then again i did say i wanted some space and I said to him to have a think about what I said and that i felt he took his frustrations out on me when he drank and he said ‘everyone takes their frustrations out on people sometimes, they just need to learn not to take it so personally’ and that just made me feel like he wasn’t ready to take responsibility for his actions. I wish I had been more strong with him but I was scared of how he would react and decided to break up via email. I wish I had a crystal ball to help me know that it definitely was the right decision. Thank you for your advice about writing things down, I do tend to do this which does help. And writing this reply has helped also. I am glad to hear things have gotten better for you with time and I hope you are having a great day. This forum is really helping me, thank you everyone

[maddog]

Please keep a diary. Anthing however small. I have not mentioned to my husband his letter to my family. Today we went for a walk and saw my husband’s car so we parked elsewhere.

[PolarBear]

Thanks for the advice with the diary, I have written some things but I will write a full list. I hope you had a lovely walk. Getting out in nature always helps me

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
I don’t in any way assume that we all have the same process – but it is a number of years since I left, personally and I distinctly remember at several points having similar feelings, i.e. wondering if I did the right thing…emotions etc.

One particular day, smack bang in the middle of the most horrendous legal threats from my ex – I saw him across the road in a particular circumstance and felt an overwhelming love for him – which actually really distressed me as he was behaving in an appalling way. At the time I dealt with it by phoning a friend who knew my story front to back and asking them to do a reality check with me and remind me of all the appalling things that my ex had done.

It worked. Kind of pulled me back to the reality of the situation. I think this is what others are saying when they say keep a diary. I feel our recovery process pulls us forward to believing that people can be kind and compassionate. This is human, I feel but then it is difficult for us to believe that the whole thing happened.

It is also difficult as others have said that many so called professionals do not really have any expertise in the aftermath of d.a. either emotional or physical and so there are assumptions about it that are difficult for many of us. Don’t know about you or others but I find myself having to wade through explanations of what happened, why it happened and then educate others – before I can even begin to talk about how I feel.

Thinking of you sunshine
x*x

[PolarBear]

Thank you freedomtochoose, it really helps to know others have been through similar feelings although i don’t wish these feelings on anyone! That sounds like a really good idea to ring a friend for a reality check, I will try that, thank you for the advice. I think its hard for people to truelly understand if they have not gone through something like this. I remember finding it hard to understand why a friend continued in a relationship I thought was abusive a few years ago, and now i realise how complex it is and I get it and I guess at least that is something I can be thankful for this experience for as I feel at least I have learnt a bit and now I can understand my friend better. I hope you are having a great day and thank you for your reply it really does make a difference

[Anonymous]

You haven’t given up the only love of your life. You haven’t given up your only chance for happiness. You removed something from your life that was toxic. If this was truly the love of your life you wouldn’t be ending the relationship. I don’t know specific details, but I feel the SAME way with my partner. The idea of leaving him makes me sick to my stomach, but you know what else does too? His nasty comments, his rages, his constant blaming of me, his constant inability to accept that he has done anything inappropriate.

Abuse isn’t love. My ex said to me that I have never shown him that I truly love him, but he has done that for me. Abuse is about BREAKING someone and putting your control over them and making them feel a certain way. You will miss him, it will hurt, but trust me once you get the power to understand you and you alone should control your own happiness you will be happy.

[Author]

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