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I remember when i was younger seeing domestic Abuse adverts and it seems so easy to think – i would never let that happen to me and if it did i would just walk away. When you are in the situation it is so different. I think for me personally i guess its Been the slow Build up… It sort of covers your eyes, makes you used to it. Im sitting here looking at all the bruises thinking when did this happen???? How has it gone from me first speaking to domestic Abuse saying its just emotional abuse, he would never be violent to this??? When i look at these bruises i dont even see me – its surreal as if it’s someone else i cant even get it to sink in…. This man i met years and years ago the nicest man ever has now done this to me? I would never have imagined that in a million years…..
He has a new tactic trying to twist things so that im the crazy one… Im insane apparently, need help. Help away from him more like. Its a very recent tactic but he seems to have convinced himself im the problem, its my fault, im insane.
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I thought exactly the same – of course I would leave if he was abusive. It is subtle at the start though and builds up gradually until you hardly notice when the physical abuse starts. In fact I didn’t realise I had been physically abused until after I left. My partner also tried to convince me I was crazy and that my problems stemmed from my over emotionality. I used to cry almost every day and I felt like I was going nuts. Since leaving I cry maybe a couple of times a month (usually when I am premenstrual) and I am absolutely confident that I am sane.
Don’t feel embarrassed talking about it here. We’ve all been through it one way or another. I was lucky in that I started a new job just after after he started escalating the abuse. My colleagues turned out to be the most supportive empathetic people imaginable, so I had a support network who he couldn’t manipulate as he didn’t know them. Without them I would probably have married him. But they gently convinced me that I was a good person and that his behaviour wasn’t ok and finally helped me move out. I was incredibly lucky that I got out before the bruises started – he was already hitting me, just not hard enough to bruise. Without these people I don’t know how I would have left though and I know that it was sheer luck that saved me. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Nothing that has happened is your fault. If you can, try to call women’s aid for advice. They are incredibly helpful just to talk through things to but they will be able to advise you on your options for leaving if you are ready for that.
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Yes, my ex also tried to convince me I was the problem too, he liked to say I had a type of mental illness and that ‘he just wanted to help me.’ He tried to get me to go to therapy for it! The truth is that they make us ill with their abuse and then use the effect that the abuse has on us as ‘evidence’ for our ‘mental illness.’ It’s like something out of a horror film, incredibly cruel and evil.
Freetobe, have you rung the helpline and your local domestic abuse service? If not, please do asap. You are not safe. I’m so sorry to hear how he is treating you. Mine too appeared to be the loveliest man at the beginning and I escaped during the mostly emotional abuse stage when he started to scare and threaten me. You deserve so much more, a life free of abuse. Please seek the help you deserve, keep posting on here and don’t tell him any of your plans.
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Free to be, you are not alone. It’s only now looking back on the last few years that I realise that what I thought was normal was so abusive, the emotional abuse chipped away at me so much and when I became a sobbing wreck he would comfort me and ask why I was so depressed when I had everything.
I had never heard of the cycle of abuse and like others on this forum I had always strongly believed that I would never put up with being treated badly.
It is always so sly, the mind games. Our immediate neighbours heard everything through the walls but other people were always telling me what a lovely man he was so I doubted myself. We’d moved a long way from my friends and family and he didn’t have any and I got cut off from everyone I’d known apart from my daughter, emotionally isolated and felt too ashamed to confide in anyone. We were home together 24/7 and I spent so much time plotting how to get away, where to go like a constant drama in my head. I’m still doing it! Take strength from everyone’s support on the forum. HUGS XXXXX
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