Sometimes I think I am the abusive one

[paperdoll21]

I have been with my ex-partner for (detail removed by moderator), I say ex because I repeatedly tell him I don’t want to be with him only to be met with threats of suicide if I leave.
I would describe the way he is with like a toddler with a toy, he plays with me for a bit, discards me, but the moment it looks like “the toy” will be taken away he is all in love with me again.
He has had a string of other women, something he vehemently denies, despite knowing I have seen it with my own eyes. he was at one point a drug dealer, keeping his stuff in the house, and he knows how much I hate drugs. he had been doing it for months, and even after I found the stuff in the house, he continued to deny it!!!
He refuses to pay his share of the bills, preferring to spend his money down the pub, if he is working at all. his refusal to work and/or pay his share of the bills has resulted in me running up credit cards in a vain attempt to put food on the table.

But…… I too am guilty, I have been known to snoop through his phone, our arguments have turned physical before, on both sides, and I am not making excuses, because I know I have done wrong too, but I swear he deliberately needles me until I snap. he parades other women in front of me and then denies it, I sometimes feel like I am going around the bend. He has even been known to go out with me and move between tables with another woman. I have been threatened with (detail removed by moderator) by one of these women, something he found funny.

The one thing I do know is this is not healthy and I want out, but then the threats of suicide come. If I try to spell out all the reasons why I want out, he just denies them all. I have found myself questioning my own sanity an awful lot.

I have recently met someone else, something which I never planned, but it happened, what can I say, it was just nice to have someone be nice to me for a change instead of speaking to me like a piece of dirt. This all came out and obviously my ex is less than happy. But he still won’t accept it is over, he is constantly threatening suicide, he refuses to put the house up for sale, or take me off the mortgage (detail removed by moderator) that is all I want) he knows I cannot afford a solicitor. I just feel trapped, and he knows it. I am frightened I will never get out.

[Lisa]

Hi paperdoll21,

How are you since posting? I hope it helped to share about what you are going through due to your ex-partner. I am sorry to hear of the abuse you have experienced and how the control has continued. Are you in contact with your local domestic abuse group? They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support. You can find your local group here.

Rights of Women offer free confidential legal advice which would be helpful to contact to find out your rights. They are a busy service but can be really useful. You can find details here.

I have also included details of our Live Chat service in my private message to you.

Please do keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Hawthorn]

Hi paperdoll,

So sorry that you are experiencing this abuse. It’s normal to question yourself and your role in the abuse, after all he has likely been blaming you for everything that ever goes wrong, not just in the relationship. You are not the abuser, he is. He is triangulating you with other women then gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault and you’re going crazy. These relationships are not even “mutually abusive” as power dynamic is always in one person’s favour. Abusers will often bait and goad us for a reaction, then when they get one, justified anger at infidelity say, they will twist it back on the victim and make the victim feel that they are to blame. It is all part of the FOG of abuse; the Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Threatening suicide when they dont get what the want is severe emotional abuse. It was a favoured tactic of my ex also. You cannot manage suicide threats alone. Phone emergency services as this requires professional input. You are not responsible for his actions. He is a grown adult and is responsible for himself.

You dont deserve this situation but can escape it. Talking to him about the abuse is both pointless and dangerous. Google grey rock method. Leaving is the most dangerous time so tread carefully and tell him nothing. Your silence is your power. Take it back.xx

[Author]

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