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As I wrote a few days ago, my eldest- who my ex was very unkind to- has agreed to go away with both my ex and youngest abroad to his home country.
My eldest has been going through exams and has been very stressed and overtired. Huge had blown his fuse a few times, but apologised.
In the last two days, he has gone out with his friends and I have given him money to do so, as it is near the end of their exams and all his friends were having a breather before their last exam.
I was very ill yesterday with a heavy cold. I was in bed when he got back. I asked him if he might make me a cup of tea. He says yes, then suddenly says no, he wasn’t doing it because of ‘how I had asked!’
All I had done was ask him, through a blocked nose!
I can pick up the perp traits now. Blaming you for things and gas lighting, to get out of doing something. I must admit, I was hurt at how he could go to bed leaving his mum like that, but nowadays I refuse to get upset. I feel I have cried my last year for this family.
Anyway, this morning, I told him I wax going out shopping. Again, he asked me to dish out more money. I said to him ( trying to not become a victim) that why should I continually dish out money for him if he is so rude to me?
He took great delight in telling me that, last night, he did in fact make a cup of tea- for himself only!
This made me shudder. It reminded me of the delight my ex took in being unkind about little things.
As I am trying to now be a string person, I refused to be accused of things I know I am not guilty of. I said, I don’t think I was rude- I think I was probably sounding grotty, but all I did was ask for a cup of tea!
‘He wasn’t interested in listening, only if I was going to give him money. I refused to give him money.
Next thing I know, he has punched the door, slamming it into my arm. When I winced, he just gave me a hard look and slammed the door.
I have just come out shopping, as I refuse to engage in this perpetrator/ victim dance.
I have cried my last year for this family. I have felt any pain possible that it is to feel.
I am just telling myself: you gave 109% to your kids. You aren’t 100% them: you are 30% yourself. I am chanting it, telling myself that I can escape to that 30% hen things get like this.
If my eldest were to get any worse, I would call the police.
Yet he has been so lovely, and he has been a victim, too. What else can I do?? How can j handle this best, and be a good mum through this? How can I stop my eldest becoming a perpetrator?
My arm is hurting as I type.
Life is one long nightmare.
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Hi Serenity,
Sending you hugs it is horrible when a child you give birth to treats you badly.You have the right idea though and that is to not allow him to make you a victim. As a mum who has put up with years of some really nasty stuff. I would say that if you are able and he does go any further nip it in the bud. Make it clear you will not tolerate it because it gets worse and then you have the added complication of this being your son and it is not very easy a situation to get out of. I would hope that your boy will apologise when he comes home and is calmer. I am not sure there is anything we can do to stop them becoming abusers, except get them help with their anger etc. I know I tried everything and nothing worked but this is early days for you, you stand a very good chance of being able to turn things around. x
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Thank you, a little lost.
I hope I can turn it around. Thank you for your support.
I would rather he calls me all the names under the sun and moves out to live with his dad than victimise me. He will soon learn his awful it is living with his dad.
I can’t become a victim again- my body and mind won’t allow it.
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Dear Serenity, I dont have kids so am limited in what I can contribute, but I do know that all kids play up and are naughty, unreasonably demanding and can be very rude. The slamming the door hurting your arm is a different catagory though, was he just slamming the door and you happened to be in the way & got hurt or did he deliberatly hurt you? It makes me wonder whether he has any worries which are not being expressed verbally but by slamming doors etc. Maybe he is worried about the visit with his dad, or his exams? Do you think he is being a typical stroppy teenager or it is more than that?
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Hi HA,
Yes, it’s. Its not so much that my arm got hurt- as you say, I am not sure if he intended it or not- it is the unkindness when I was ill that has hurt me most. And his delight in making me feel hurt in that context. He has learned that from his dad: his dad was OK as long as I was scurrying around like his servant, but if I was ill at all, he would become very cruel and neglectful.
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Hey hun
Sorry to hear your son is being rude . I would actually ignore him till he changes his attitude , hopefully he will ask u why u giving him silent treatment then u can tell him u do not accept been spoken to like that , it may take him days to realize but he will realize. Hardest part of been a mum is doing the tough love when u stay firm on your grounds, if this is his attitude he deserves no treats of u , yes he may go more towards his dad which hurts us, maybe that’s the wake up call they need to realize how good it is with us. His behaviour is unacceptable and is w ring of him to test u like this, hope u ok
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i’m sorry to hear this Serenity. I am reading a book at the moment, Dangerous Personalities, I pray that your son does not have any of these traits and this refusal of the tea was a one off. But there are really detailed questionnaires which get right down to the minute details of behavior, each 130 questions long. Having a look at some of the questions might help you to establish if there are any deeper problems with your son? The book is by Joe Navarro and not too expensive to buy. My ex has scored in the high range for n**********c disorder, i’m pleased as it gives me clarity.
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Dear Serenity,
I see daily the effects of domestic abuse and the lack of respect which my husband has created in our home. I can recognise the very same behaviour patterns from the cup of tea to the smashing of doors on me to threatening to hit me, to words thrown at me accusing me and projecting on me, etc.
I also see in my children parts of me, and I am pleased for the work I did over many years trying to raise them into decent human beings.
But I do know the damage is irreparable. I wrote on another post from Betterdays that I am shutting down. That is because I recognised abuse far too late for what it really is and the damage is now done. I have lost the will to fight, to find the right psychology and the exhausting constant ”watching out” to make my kids understand what is and is not acceptable or right and wrong. It hurts me too much and I have no help. If anything SS are on my back from a far distance, no one knows me but plenty of people judge me so I have stopped fighting even in my head, I detach totally, I want nothing to do with anything anymore, I am becoming a secluded person who thinks but doesn’t want to show anything at all. I warned my DV lady she would be watching me say absolutely nothing at the next child protection meeting, I don’t fight, I don’t argue and even when I tried the last time regarding an accusation to do with running (Yes! running!) I was stunned by the rapidity of their response and their denial of their affirmations about me, they could not even remember what they had said and what I was accused of…!
So I don’t bother.
No one ever came with me to the child protection meetings as my previous DV lady could not come, so much for the support I needed, and quite frankly, I don’t think she could have help in this tumult of a whirlwind the meetings were…my daughter could not believe what was being discussed! She recognised how twisted the stories had become…People create reports from utter rubbish.
And now I read your post and I can see exactly the same in my house, it hurts doesn’t it? You feel like a bad mum for not being able to protect your kids against the evil this man spreads in your kids’s heads…They have learned from him and you recognise him in their reactions. It does hurt. It is scary. It makes you wonder about them as future grown up adults, doesn’t it?
Same for me but my kids are young adults. It is too late. Even the DV lady said it.
What can I say to make you feel better and help you…Remember the graceful swan? Each time you recognise a pattern of behaviour, deal with the situation with a calm approach and speak to the children in peace, maybe use a bit of space-time to narrow the chances of things erupting for the worse and wait for the right time to come back with the right words. I do that with my second child, my son. I wait till the evening and I sit with him trying to make him understand, most of the time he responds as if he was annoyed by my coming back but sometimes it works. That is all I can do.
But in view of the circumstances at the moment, I have given up. I had so many different situations this morning showing me how my kids are copying their dad that I felt helpless, totally disarmed and lost. It hurts. I don’t want to hurt so I shut down.
You will find that because your ex sees his sons, he will behave the same as ever and his influence will play on them, you will find them changed when they come home, you will meet lots of difficulties, and you will have to cope time and time again…You will have to undo the wrong influences over and over again. It will be your ex’s attempts to make you fail and suffer. He knows you care so he will try to destroy you via the kids. That is what abusers do and you know it. They have no respect, no decency and no morals.
I think when a child becomes physically abusive, it is dangerous. I don’t know what to advise, but I don’t like the sound of it. You have to work your magic as best as you can. It is this doing and undoing that will make you feel vulnerable at times and you need to show stability, strength, consistency, repetitive indirect reminding of values and good behaviour, use every opportunity you can to do that.
I live with the effects every day, my coping mechanism is being alone as much as I can because I have almost given up. With the new circumstances we live, my work ahead has become much worse, because now I am facing a situation where the victim is him, and my kids will feel very emotional because of what has happened. I am shutting down to the bare minimum expected role as a wife and mother. No one gets in touch with me, I have no one else than my friends to speak to. No contact from family. It is total ignorance on their part. It has been ever since the strangling, I am the evil woman. I have received no phone call to see how I am coping, how I feel, to ask me if I need help or if I wanted to talk…Nothing. I spoke to my son about this and he exploded. So I shut down. Maybe I should not have spoken, I feel like I am a stone to them, a spare part worth nothing, a non existent person, a parasite. I am his wife but no one knows that. I could not possibly have feelings attached to that role nor to the ongoing problems overshadowed by the latest events. I am shunned. I have been for ages.
So I fully understand you when you are the main carer and the one taking the abuse. You have everything to do, the whole lot is on your shoulders. It is a lot to cope with. I hope your family can help a little, I have no family members living in this country, I have been on my own for decades. No support none what so ever.
Stay strong, you are doing the right thing, be the graceful swan. Your children will learn respect thanks to you nevertheless and don’t give up like me. It is too late for my kids. Save yours. -
Dear Bridget,
Do not give up.
Your world feels as if it has come crashing in on you and you feel attacked, because something has happened this week to your abuser which has frightened your children and which- for now- means that he is indeed a victim.
This couldn’t really have come at a worse time for you in some ways, but life is so like that. It seems to work against us at times.
Your children will be fussing around him, and blaming you and taking out their frustrations on you, as I bet my children would if my ex’s health had a blip right now.
But keep in your head: his health and his abuse are to separate things. The fa t he is ill doesn’t cancel out his abuse.
Yes, he needs to be watched medically, and he will have his children worried, and he needs to rest. And you can give them that space.
But don’t falter in your own truth.
It is a horrific burden that we women bear who have children with abusive partners, that they can break our hearts through our children.
Let your kids react and deal with the situation in their own way, but don’t condone any attacks on yourself.
Please also don’t take what they might Dayton literally. They might blame you or insult you because they are scared. It is not right that they do this, and this needs to be made clear, but they are probably venting rather that speaking an objective truth.
Your family is going through a real hurdle: the illness of one parent. Don’t break at the hurdle.
I realised a long time ago that speaking wasn’t the way forward. Just doing. I don’t share my anxieties with my children- or try not to. I just do. Sometimes I feel like a robot, but I suppose my aim is graceful swan.
Try to look at this scenario not as the end of everything. Maybe it’s the jolt that needs to rip the balance in some way. What is it telling you to do? Is life nudging you in some way?
I think they whilst you are living with him, you feel undone, or you find yourself reacting in ways that express your pain, because it’s so unbearable. Emotions are heightened.
I hope that you can remain strong and wait for the dust to settle so that the next stage becomes clearer to you.
I don’t think you have lost your kids. They are reacting negatively to a stressful situation.
Don’t give up. Our kids need us to keep going.
I think with our kids, we need to stop trying to control the outcome too much. We need to let them find their own truth ( especially true with older kids) and they will come to see it more clearly.
X*x
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