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So sick of my son treating me like his dad did. He looks at me the same, speaks to me the same and uses the same words his father would use. He defies everything I ask and turns everything back on me, saying I’m mean and a bully. He picks on his brother and is generally making life hell for our family.
I’m starting to think it would be better if he lived with his dad 🙁
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Hi Strube,
I meant to reply to your post the other day.
Having gone through similar, I would say it’s important not to allow your son to torn you into a victim- at least on the surface.
Your ex might be snidely encouraging him to mistreat you, or your son may be pushing things due to learned behaviour from his dad, but it’s important to remain strong on the surface, so they don’t think they can get away with it. Tough love is what’s needed.
I know it’s hard, but don’t let him see any chunk
in your armour. Keep on speaking here and to other people to get support. It’s awful and it almost seems like playing games, but we need to fake strength when it comes to children copying the abuser.If he continues to mistreat you, have no qualms about setting down firm house rules. Make it clear you won’t tolerate it in your home. He might go to his dad’s, but I doubt he would last five minutes there. Kids know where they are loved. Carry on being very firm but fair. x*x
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Thanks for taking time to respond. We’ve had lots of support and everyone says I’m a good mum yet nothing is helping my son. Yesterday he was throwing toy cars at my face whilst sniggering. Today he has broken my watch, defied me at every turn and accused me of kicking him (which isn’t true!). Now his younger sibling is copying his behaviour. I’ve had to lock all doors and remove sharp knives etc because they keep threatening to leave to go to their dads and were chasing each other with scissors. I have turned off the wifi, unplugged the tv and removed all gadgets. I have taken toys from that are being used as missiles to throw at me. Son isn’t going to a bday party today as a consequence of his behaviour. Nothing is stopping them. They just laugh in my face. I have no one who can support me. I wish I could walk out and not come back. I know my kids are feeding off my upset but it’s really hard to stay strong when they have zero respect for me or our home. They’re not currently seeing their dad but I’m starting to think they’d be better off with him because I’m not coping.
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Hey Strube. Have you considered ringing 101. I don’t know what age they are but perhaps a police officer from the domestic abuse unit could speak to them. Also, ring the helpline. I’ve heard of some men volunteering to work with agencies as positive role models for sons of abusers. My son moved out before things got too bad but it was heading in a bad direction. His father thought he would punish me by financially paying for my son to move out but in hindsight, he did me a huge favour. Sad to say. All I know is that there is a terrible gene that gets passed down to some children (my opinion). And it’s very very hard to change that. FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Abuser tactics x keep reaching out.
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They’re in primary school Kip 🙁 they’ve just ripped a shelf off the wall and left a hole in the plaster. I’ve have no life outside of this house. I’ve had to reduce my hours at work to (detail removed by Moderator) per week so I can be free to attend dv courses and dr appts for son who has learning disabilities. (detail removed by Moderator) that is completely overwhelming me and taking up much of my time. Eldest has the same facial expressions and tone of voice as his dad. He gaslights and blames me for everything. If I cry in front of them they laugh at me. When I try to reason with eldest he says blah blah blah. Everyday in our house is a war zone. I feel just like I did when I was still with their dad
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Hi there, so sorry you are struggling with this. I have been through a lot of what you mention with my son. I went to ‘Early Help’ which every council has, you should be able to google it for your local branch. They weren’t VERY helpful but after he saw them a few times his behaviour DID improve. I think it helped that someone he didn’t know had come in specifically to talk to him about the way he was behaving and his worries. He also sometimes speaks to his teacher at school but what he says doesnt marry up with what he tells me. I think they are kind of angry at us for being ‘weak’, Im not sure why but that is kind of how it feels. I got a lot tougher on my son and it was HELL for a month or three but he has improved. He has his moments and is VERY hard work and thinks the sun shines out of his dad’s butt but hey… it is progress from where we were at!
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I’m scared to seek help from CS (detail removed by Moderator) Son is a bit like yours, what he tells others doesn’t marry up with what he tells me. This caused us some trouble not so long ago when he had to give a statement to police (I can’t go into detail but it was about his dad). Police took no further action because of it. This sounds so weak but I don’t know how to be tougher on him. I confiscate his things and stop him doing the stuff he enjoys but that doesn’t work. If I send him to his room he just keeps coming out. He’s just finished a long dv course and whilst he was on it he was fine?
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Hi hun
My son was a teenager and showed me worse behavour, keep doing as u r doing , u r taking all the right action, it is hard work and long process but u willget there. I had to call police to for them to speak to my son, ive even had him arrested, police are used to this and will try to help you, get school involved, they need to know their behaviour is not hidden , when they smirk, say i dont find it amusing, tell them their behaviour is disgraceful. I would give punishment for what thye did to shelf. make them eat a budget meal as consquence for damage, they will think twice then when they have a simple meal for a week. consitency in your message is the secret. i had days where i would just go to sleep as could do nothing else
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It really is exhausting. There are days when I just give in and can’t ‘face the fight’ as I call it when I know he is in a testy mood – usually just before he goes to visit his dad. Pick your battles, you don’t have to win at everything. I was also worried about Early Help for the exact same reason but I was told by several people that getting help for your children shows you are a positive and active parent… they worry more when behaviour is apparent at school or home and no one does anything about it. It was the same with my concerns about mental health. I thought that if I left my ex, he would use my history of depression and anxiety against me to take the kids but in fact, because I had always been to the GP and checked in and took medication for it they said courts see that as a positive and it doesn’t reflect negatively on you at all.. in fact I was told that if the other side try to use those kind of tactics most judges see through it immediately and it puts THEM in a very bad light. Don’t be afraid to seek help if you need it.
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I’m ok just bruised. My mum would help but she’s at work and can’t take calls. He has no remorse. I said to him what would you have done if I had been seriously hurt. He said I don’t care. Then he turned it on me and said that I had hurt him. He says he’s going to school tomorrow and telling teachers that I’ve been hurting him. I’m terrified and he knows it.
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The NSPCC have a helpline. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help but I really feel for you. My son lashed out I think more through frustration. I hope your mum can stay with you. Kids seem to save the abuse for us, just like their fathers but seem to keep it under control around others? Their words can wound us deeply. Eventually I had to go no contact with my son. He’s an adult but I’m still very vulnerable and can’t risk losing my mental health again. He knows there are boundaries and if he can respect them then he’s welcome back in my life. Until then, it’s no contact. He’s bluffing about telling the school. If you get the chance then secretly record his abusive behaviour. Perhaps your GP can help with councelling. You can’t do this alone and there is no shame in admitting it, keep reaching out for help. It’s the best thing you can do x
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Hi Strube,
Your situation sounds exhausting and very upsetting and isn’t something you should be having to deal with alone. I really encourage you to seek out some specialist support, it’s up to you who you feel you can speak to; you could consider talking to your GP or your children’s school, or going to your local children’s centre.
Alternatively, charities such as Home Start and Family Lives can offer some great support; I’d really suggest having a read through their websites. Family Lives has online forums and a confidential helpline which is 0808 800 2222; they would be able to offer advice and guidance with regards to your son’s behaviour.
Keep posting when you can,
Lisa
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Hi,
I haven’t been on here in a while. Things have taken a turn for the worse. Son is so angry he says he hates his life and wants to kill himself 🙁 he’s only (detail removed by moderator). He got hold of a knife the other day and held it to his chest. His behaviour at school has deteriorated and he’s been hitting and punching other children. He is no longer allowed outside at playtime because of the unpredictability of his anger. The smallest things set him off – not winning a game, someone not hearing him when he talks to them, being asked to do a simple task etc. This is NOT like him at all. Throughout nursery and primary school he has not been in trouble and was the model pupil.
Our home life is horrendous. He kicked off 3 times yesterday and didn’t go to sleep until 11:45pm. He kept throwing his fist at me and telling me he’s going to punch me. I flinched when his fist came close to my face and he laughed and said “you’re scared of me!” and did it again. He also slaps and kicks his younger sibling. He does this high pitched scream over and over again and slams his bedroom door and stamps his feet. He openly tells me he’s going to lie and tell staff at school that I’m beating him so that I get arrested and he gets moved to another family. He doesn’t want to live with me anymore. After hours of this he calms down, apologises and tells me he loves me. When I discuss his behaviour with him he says he’s angry, doesn’t know why and won’t do it again.
I am in constant communication with the school who are helping and supporting him, along with a children’s worker form a local charity. The school have logged the knife incident for safeguarding reasons. Both myself and son are due to be seen by a local dv charity for added support. I have also been in touch with gp who has referred him for mental health support.
The professionals supporting us believe it could be a number of things causing his behaviour: control, fear of his father, a reaction to the stress and anxiety I’m currently experiencing and anger/blame directed towards me because of his anger towards his father.
He hasn’t seen his dad for many months due to safeguarding reasons. This behaviour only started becoming apparent in May and has grown increasingly worse. How can this be his father’s fault if son hasn’t seen him in so long?
I have this overwhelming fear that I’m the cause of this and that my toxicity was the cause of ex’s treatment of me. Now I’m causing my son to want to kill himself.
I am numb. I am under incredible stress at the moment regarding contact. My job is suffering. I have cut myself off from friends. I have important meetings coming regarding contact and I can’t think straight. I’m exhausted. I don’t feel happiness/anger/sadness…nothing. I don’t know who I can talk to.
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Hi Strube. None of this is your fault. Its good that youre taking all the help you can. After my ex was arrested, our son showed almost identical behaviour to his father. It was shocking because when we were together as a family my son showed no signs of this behaviour. My son was alot older, a young adult. He eventually moved out. I was upset at the time but it really was for the best. Womens aid also warned me that i may well have to add him to the restraining order i had against his father! Im just trying to tell you that i think this behaviour is part learned and part genetic. Do you have a family member that could stay with you for a while for support. My son never kicked off in front of relatives. I know your son is much younger but is there a relative he respects and may change his behaviour for? Hang in there and lets hope its a stage he grows out of x
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Bless you, Strube.
Hang in there.
I know how you feel. My youngest turned a whole room upside down following seeing his dad a while ago; he also gouged his tooth out with a knife.
Keep on going. Remain his constant. You don’t need to say anything. Just be. I think my son knows that I would be here for him whatever. It’s enabled him to keep going. He’s not out of the woods yet. But at least his contact with his dad seems to be getting shorter. I wish I could say contact benefitted my boys: but it just makes them feel small and angry. My ex is toxic- even to his kids. Actually, he makes them feel suicidal.
Keep going. As long as they know they have a safe base with you, they will be ok. Xxxx
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Hi strube,
Glad you posted for support. I went through this with my children who are now young adults so it does pass. Its definitely not you. Please don’t blame yourself. If there’s anyone to blame its the abuser-dad. My abuser-ex modelled abusive behaviour for my children day in day out.
I don’t know exactly how old your boy is but I think early teens is a difficult time for them with their anger and emotions. My children at that age self-harmed..cutting with a knife. I was sick with worry. Luckily it didn’t continue. Then they used food instead, bingeing. One of my children was verbally abusive she would scream how much she hated me, what a b***h I was, she was aligning herself with her abuser dad. It was such a painful stage for me. She has come out of that now and slowly over the teenage years she managed to not direct her anger at me. I had to keep repeating at the time, in a quiet moment after, that her behaviour was not acceptable. Even though it didn’t seem to at the time, she was taking it on board.
My other child at that age broke furniture, kicked doors in, in my room threw all my possessions and broke some due to her anger triggered by abuser-dad. He looked on, delighted that his manipulations and scheming had triggered this behaviour towards me. She too was genuinely sorry after. This child is now a young adult and is in a cycle of abuse with her dad (I’m out and no longer in it with him) and she broke a large picture off the wall, shattering the glass, just the other day in response to the anger in herself after being abused. Since she was a child she responds to being abused by acting out her huge anger physically towards things. Also as a young teen she also took up a knife and threatened to hurt herself with it. But she only did this once.
I hope my experiences with my children may help you to know it is very common in children who have an abusive parent, whether on the scene or behind the scenes. Its not your fault our partners chose to be abusive parents and role models.
Be really gentle on yourself as you like so many of us are left picking up the pieces of the destructive effects of our children having an abuser for a parent.
Keep posting for support.
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Thank you so much for your words of advice. I think because their father has hardly been on the scene in the last few years, it’s logical to me that I am the problem. I have in the past been blamed, by professionals in charge of contact, of harming my children by not hiding my anxiety and promoting their father in a positive light. They also say I don’t have an attachment to my eldest son. These things have stayed with me and when I see my children struggling I instantly blame myself.
Their father is so insidious in his abuse that no one else picks up on it. I didn’t always report his abuse in the past for fear of being seen as overreacting because he’s so charming and very clever at twisting the truth. Over time I’ve grown stronger and I recently reported him for his treatment of our children. The police accused me of overreacting! Again, I find myself questioning if it’s me. How can so many professionals involved with us not see through him?? Yet they see me as the problem. These people are trained and experienced and therefore they must be right? Now my children are suffering again and their father has had no contact with them so it must be me.
A relative has offered to take my eldest on a part time basis but he’s so young and quite obviously hurting that I don’t know if it will help. It breaks my heart seeing him so distressed but when he’s kicking off it horrifies me. He is usually such a gentle soul. I really believe the only way he will heal is a permanent order of no contact with his father. My poor boy has never had a chance to heal from what he witnessed and was subject to. He is old beyond his years because he hasn’t had a childhood. His childhood was and still is consumed by abuse, anger, threats, uncertainty, fear, confusions and trauma.
Sorry for going off on a tangent. My head is all over the place.
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HEy HUn
Post on here as much as u need to, is a massive releif to let it all out. u are do amazing even though u may not feel it, def reach out to all support agencies, u need to log his beahviour, get the school and any agency that can to help u, have u got a family support worker allocated to u. these kids can have instant reactions or delayed reactions to their dad abuse they witness on u , my son played up for two years . u have to be consistent, they really do put us in tears, so dont feel alone , it is not u at all, the kids only have us as the safe adult so they blame it all on us, we are the c**p parent, everything is our fault , they feel safe to rage out on us, they need tobe told its not ok to abuse us. sadly we do have to get the police involved to have word with the kids, apparently doemstic abuse is a very common things even with kids, so dont feel embrassed. Trust your gut , sometimes the professional get it wrong too, seek out different forms of therapy for your child. my sons child hood was spoilt too by the abuse, it ripped me aprt the things he had to see, but u know what with a lot of hard work and tears i am making progress, u will too, u not alone , talk to us ladies on here
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Hi Strive, I’ve been meaning to reply to this post for a while but not found time. I’ve been having a hard week myself. My son is also behaving similarly, less extreme currently, but lots of subtle occasions of hurting me and saying unkind things, pretending physical things are accidental, saying he doesn’t care. It started as clinginess and separation anxiety because his dad had been cancelling contact a lot lately but seems to have turned into something more angry and mostly directed at me. He also knows I’m exhausted and have let the boundaries slip too many times. I’ve been advised that my anxiety is feeding this behaviour and I do think he picks up on the impact his behaviour has which negatively reinforces it. That’s not to say that any of us are to blame for letting our anxieties show. It’s pretty impossible not to when we rarely get a break from our children and feeling the extreme emotions we do in this situation. Children are bright and ours are particularly hyperalert, they don’t miss a thing. Also we are not this anxious for no reason and it is not our fault. I’m trying not to panic or beat myself up so much. It’s exhausting trying to pretend it has no effect on us but I do think it’s the answer. I just hope I achieve it before he gets too big. I also have a child with additional needs so this muddies the water even further. My son gets very panicky when his dad choses not to spend time with him and was horrifically distressed and badly behaved when contact wasn’t allowed for a while. This is why your son is worse without your ex, because he feels rejected, abandoned and hurt. It’s really not because of you. I’ve found many professionals are much less well-trained that I imagined. I hope you manage to find some support and the strength and confidence to get back on top xx
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