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I winder if any of you ladies might be able to tell me your honest thoughts.
My injunction against my ex has expired, but it was agreed in court that, long term, he would keep away from me.
He is very clever: the abuse now is covert, calculated, mental and emotional. He knows how to play the game.
After having an initial breakdown/ severe PTSD, when my kids saw me in a bad way, I have tried my utmost to shield them from everything.mi don’t bad mouth my ex, I do t share details of the court case, I don’t make them feel they can’t see their dad, etc…
This is following the court proceedings over the kids, when I was trying to elaborate to the court how he was mentally and emotionally abuse the kids ( suggesting suicide to my eldest etc). I never even shared anything with my kids much st this time: I realise that it would cause the, great pain to feel caught in the middle, and I don’t want to be how my mum was, which was to share every minute detail of her abusive relationship with my dad, as I heard things a child should never have to hear.
Today, my eldest and I had a showdown. We never argue really. He had been ill all week, and kept putting off going to his dad’s. This morning, he asked if I would take him to his dad’s ( (detail removed by moderator) miles round trip) later today.
On Xmas a Day, my ex tried this. He claimed he could t return my son as promised, so I had to go and collect him from his area. He ( my ex) was waiting on the road, etc, I know to s are me, though he made it out to be harmless, even getting my son to give me a Xmas card. See, he makes it look benign, like I am the cuckoo one. All the while, he s yelling the court untruths and trying to wreck me legally and financially.
On Xmas a Day, I managed to remain composed, picked my son up, did t look at the ex, and drove home.
However, it went pear – shaped today. My son was tired and a bit ratty anyway, and when I replied to his request that his dad should pick him up, he laid into me and said (detail removed by moderator), I should put him first, I should take him to save him catching three buses out there ( his dad is claiming he is working so can’t pick him up – why not collect him later?!).
I don’t want this to become regularised. I don’t want to be at my ex’s beck and call, doing his bidding. He tries to get people to do what he wants, like puppets. I have other commitments today, like taking my youngest to an activity class. Meanwhile, my ex will be smirking to himself that he has got me to deliver my son to him, like the maid I always was to him.
I don’t want this to become a precedent, especially as I have heard my sons chat about how my ex is moving even further away. Abusers are always moving the goal posts. He will probably try to make me go there too. That is about (detail removed by moderator) miles round trip.
Anyway, I got upset today and I said to my son that his dad should collect him, and I broke my self-imposed silence and said I didn’t want to be near my ex, that he had threatened me. My son said I should take him, that I was preventing him from seeing his dad ( this sounds like my ex’s words). I said, I have never prevented you from seeing your dad, you can go as often as you like, I do t mind, I just don’t want to go near him, he was threatening to me.
My son retorted with ‘what if my dad doesn’t want to go near you?’ etc..in a very defensive manner. He said I should do my bit in taking him to see his dad, that (detail removed by moderator) and I should put him first for a change. I told him I always try to put him and his brother first.
Anyway, if has been left that I will take him later, as otherwise he will need to catch three buses.
I don’t want to be the petty one.
I feel so guilty now that I engaged in such a battle of wills and mentioned my ex in battle-type language. I don’t want my kids to feel they are caught up in a battle. Now I feel like a rubbish mum.
I know that, under it all, my son is probably aware that his dad is getting him to catch loads of buses rather than come to collect him himself. I am sure my ex is getting him to catch complex buses to punish him for cancelling his contact with his dad earlier this week, due to his being ill.
My ex gets a high by getting people to do what he wants. He is a bully.
Now I feel bad as I raised my voice. But I can see this getting worse.
Am I being unreasonable? Please help.
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Why would you think you’re being unreasonable? His voice is still in your head. You had an agreement. Any normal person would abide by that. You are not being unreasonable. He is. If it was you getting to see your son, you would move heaven and earth. Be there early to collect him as you would have missed him. Don’t make the mistake of thinking your ex feels the same way. It’s just a big game of retribution. Don’t play his game. Stick to the rules. If he can’t be bothered collecting his son, that’s his loss x stay strong x
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Hi KIP,
He thinks he’s being clever: only my youngest is part of the court contact order, as my eldest is deemed too old ( he is seen to be old enough to make up his own mind).
So, my ex never asks me to collect or drop off my youngest to him ( though he does break the order by coming on to our road), but he thinks he can get me to drop off my eldest, as it isn’t in the court order.
But, it goes without saying that my eldest should be included – because the whole point of the contact order was that they put in place a third person contact and a dropping off arrangement for my youngest, so I won’t need to be in contact at all with my ex.
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You’ll be exhausted if you do all the running around and it will compromise your younger child’s life too. From what you’ve said before it sounds as if your eldest is old enough to go to dad’s under his own steam it’s just difficult. What’s wrong with his dad collecting him after work and you pick up? Or vice versa – though might be best that way otherwise maybe he won’t bring him back!
If his dad can’t get him then it’s him who needs to sort it not you. I don’t think you’d be a bad mum for saying that to him. Your eldest needs to know the world doesn’t revolve around him and that we all make compromises (easier said than done I know!)
When my daughter was in contact with her dad I ended up doing 90% of ferrying between us as he was always “doing something” or she’d ring to say her dad had gone out and wouldn’t be back till late so could I pick up as she wanted to come home. It drove me bonkers and I ended up saying if he wanted her to go than he had to collect or arrange alternative transport to get her to his house. It was 2 buses and a fair walk either end, largely due to a hopeless bus service as wasn’t a huge distance! It did work for a while then he upset her and she’s refused to see him since.
How about a different approach …..”I can take you to your dads on days a or b this week, or I could pick you up on days x and y. Next week I can do…… etc. Can you check its ok for dad to do the other journey, or perhaps you could get the bus there and I’ll pick you up at….?” It probably won’t work because your ex will see it as you controlling him but your son might buy it!
Good luck. You are a good mum and a great support -
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Hi Serenity
They never give up, do they!
I would establish a few ‘phrases’ that you always use. Things like – ‘I am sorry you feel like this. I cannot do what what you ask THIS time.”I agree this is a terrible situation. I hope a solution can be found.’ Avoid the word ‘dad’.
Your son could say he is still ill and WHEN dad picks him up THEN he will go. I still use the THEN/WHEN phrase. Perhaps he needs the vocabulary to say NO to his father.
I hope you find a solution.
KL x x x
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Hi All,
Well I got home ready to take my son to his dad’s, and he started saying he wasn’t up to going. He hS got a dreadful cold and was off school half day yesterday.
I tried to keep out of it, told him it was his decision. But he started telling me he would feel guilty if he didn’t go and what I would do about feeling guilty if I was him.
I said that, being honest, if you are really unwell, your parents should have your recovery as a priority. That he could always go later in the week. It was his choice.
Well, he came down some time after saying he had explained to his dad that he felt very unwell and would come another day, and his dad got moody and hung up on him.
This is how he is: inflexible and quick to anger.
My son seems ok about it though x
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Hi Serenity. Your ex is playing right into your hands and if you stick at it and play the long game, you will come out on top. It is verification again of how manipulative and uncaring these men are. Your son can’t help being poorly. A loving, caring father would have shown sympathy and concern, not anger and moodiness. I often wonder how much our children learn in how to play the game to keep the peace. My own son is so torn between not wanting to see his dad much but being frightened of angering or upsetting him by not seeing him. It is a very difficult situation. I agree with the other posts that your ex is using the boys to keep some control over you all. Your eldest will make his own mind up as time goes on. You will just have to support him anyway you can, as hard as it is sometimes (I feel for you because sometimes I could scream too!!) xx
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Hey Hun
Think my reply didnt come through from last night, was just gonna say have faith in yourelf,, u r doing all right things,, think your son is relifed he doesnt have to go to his dad too, it puts them under a lot of pressure, when your ex is been aqward with u and getting your son to catch three buses just think how u can say no in kind way without looking like bad one, just say something like cant today but maybe your dad can meet up with u next week or change the day to a day that he can pick u up save u catching bus as long as the arrangement suits me too, explain to him its better days are same week so your son is in routine and due to travel problems just miss one week if your dad cant pick u up, that way the pressure is back on his dad, sweet talk your son and say u would love to drop him off nut u r financialy tight or have other commitmments, ,let your ex face u to his responsibilities, my ex used to do same and mess about with days, i just said in end its going to be same day and same time, and if h turn up early i was either not in or boys were ready and would say have to wait outside , not my problem if he not sticking to schedule, inconvienc will be to him, and then keep straight serrious face too
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