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    • #13556
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      I want an end to it all, I have just spoken to the IDVA and told her if I had my way I’d drop the charges. It’s been going on too long with no end in sight. But is this possible can I even withdrew my statement? She’s advice me to wait as we don’t know if the cps will say to charge him, but if they do can they force me to give evidence? I want an end but at the same time I don’t want him to have an excuse to play the hard done by innocent victim!! I am so confused.

    • #13564
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there, it’s all so frustrating and you just want an end to it all. Now way should you even try to withdraw your statement. Too many women on here have regretted that. Let the law take its course. You may find they don’t prosecute anyway and if he’s seen you back down, there is no deterrent for him not to abuse you again. These abusers play the victim anyway so if you back out or even try to back out he will be saying, look I told you so. Playing the victim is a huge part of them. Mine was convicted and is giving an Oscar winning performance of a victim. I can only imagine what he would say if I’d tried to withdraw my statement. Hang on in there. Try to look at it like it’s been taken out of your hands meantime. Let others deal with him. You concentrate on yourself x

      • #13635
        Lucy
        Participant

        Hi, I’m sorry but I’m new to this just wondering I think your in the same situation as me.(detail removed by moderator) he was up again and pleaded not guilty. Talk about a knife in the back I can’t believe he’s done this to me. Anyway now I’m more determined to see him get sentenced for this as he was all apologies for it, I was considering dropping the charges but now I’m determined!!!

    • #13565
      Ayanna
      Participant

      If you can, hang in there. Put him in the ground. Do not give up.
      I have been through this system and it is hell. You have no support and the cases drag on forever.
      DV and rape accusations are not so easy to withdraw anymore when there is evidence. The police carries on even when you withdraw the statement or refuse to go to court. And this is very right. When we are in this traumatized state we do not know what is right or wrong. The CPS and police think for us in this situation and carry on.
      Today I am thankful they carried on when I did not want to. Eventually I fully complied and went to every court hearing and stood my ground. I was unsupported throughout this process and collapsed several times and nearly killed myself. Because I was about to kill myself they stopped the rape trial and also they said in the marital rape case they did not have sufficient evidence, as if I needed a witness in the marital home to watch when he raped me and injured me. Stupid patriarchy. I am much better now. I got through everything alone and I survived it. x*x

    • #13572
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      I guess I am lucky as both my IDVA and refuge workers have been great support. I just want an end to it all I want to forget! Everything is just taking forever quite literally! I just want it to stop I want the nightmares to stop flashbacks everything. Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

    • #13613

      Hey love,

      Have only just come back on the forum after a while away so have just seen this post.

      I’ve been where you are so many times…it’s taken a LONG time to get where I am now (they’re finally charging him!) a good couple years. Everytime they’d ring me and say they were extending his bail again I’d just want to give up. Did not see the point in carrying on, felt like they didn’t believe me, that they were going to let him get away with it all.
      It was triggering every single time, for the few weeks in the run up to his bail-date I’d get so anxious, the memories and flashbacks would all come back, and then they’d tell me the CPS hadn’t made a decision.

      I very nearly retracted my statement, even rang my DC and said I couldn’t do this anymore, I don’t think I can support a prosecution anymore. She told me that nothing would change, or get better, if I dropped it. And then she said “Look how far you’ve come already…if you give up now, what was it all for?”

      You can do this Inneedofsomepeace, I promise you that, whatever happens, however long it takes, You can. Look how far you’ve come already.

      x*x

    • #14301
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      After alot of soul searching and hiding away all week, I have decided I won’t drop the charges! He has no right to rape me just because he’s my husband and I’m going to do everything I can do to get him prosecuted! Why should he get away with it.

    • #14302
      Ayanna
      Participant

      You rock! x*x

    • #14314
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      You are incredibly brave! Well done! I totally think you are doing the right thing. I haven’t experienced anything like what u have, mine was harassment, stalking and intimidation, threatening behaviour etc etc. I felt HORRENDOUSLY guilty the night I reported him. All I wanted was some breathing space, to be left alone. The police officer though who was a lovely guy made it very simple. He told me this is not your choice and it’s not your responsibility. If someone acts in an unlawful manner, it’s their job to decide how to proceed. You did not ask for him to do this to you it was his choice. Again, it’s easy to say that to someone else. What actually helped me a bit was when the police called me the next day and told them how he explained his version of events…he had lied through his teeth! He apparently showed absolutely no remorse or concern for myself or my children, portrayed me as a nut job which the police saw straight through thankfully and was outraged that I had done this to him despite the police reiterating to him that all I had done was walk away from him, had not asked for anything other than space from him. It’s very difficult but the only way is to get it into your head that you are not doing this, a crime has been committed and it’s up to the police and cps/of to decide how to proceed. Not you and not your responsibility. My ex has portrayed be as a complete witch to everyone and I live in not so small town but a small community, where everyone seems to know everyone somehow. I barely leave the house unless I need to for the kids because I’ve become such a recluse because of what he’s done to me and portrayed me as. Why is it though we are still the ones feeling guilty? It’s so wrong. All I can do is well done you, maybe you have saved the next woman by being brave. Your a hero for that, stopping it happening to another. X*x

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