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Earlier today i allowed my daughter to go to the shop she is getting to an age where i have to try and let go. I ended ul having to go and look for her. It turned out she thought she had seen her dad (my perp) and had run because we moved away and I’ve not let her out she got lost!
Got her home safe although distrought. And called the police he’s not suppossed to know where we live i have an indefinite restraing order. And i know if he’s found our location I’m in trouble.
The police were going to be with me within the hr (we’ve recently been re m.a.r.a.c’d) they called to say they were on the way. Several hrs later I’m scarred stif sat with a rolling pin still waiting!!
Ooo and to add insult to injury they asked if there’d ever been controling, coersive or violent behaviour in our relation! They had him sent down! And do i cinsider myself a victim of domestic violence really!! I felt like saying no i thought being bounced around the house and strangled was normal. I’m so angry hurt and scarred. Not helped by the fact i have an autistic child that will be up at 4.30! And i can’t sleep. I thought he would have gone away by now.
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Hi there,
Sorry to hear about this, it sounds scary and stressful, and sounds like you didn’t get the best police officers turning up. Were they just general ones or domestic abuse team ones? If they were general you could ring them back and ask to the domestic abuse team (I found the general ones didn’t seem to know anything about coercive control so they weren’t too helpful but other ladies have said some officers are amazing and very knowledgeable so maybe try again to see if you could get more help from them?)
What did the police suggest you do tonight? Are they going to see if he is in the area? Sounds obvious but make sure you have all windows and doors locked. Have your phone charged and on hand just in case. And if you can’t sleep keep posting on here for support. I’d also ring the helpline as they will likely have some good advice about safety and what to do if he is in the area. Sending you good vibes of support xx
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They got called to an emergency will come out this afternoon as i have appointments this morning. But had he turned up they would have attended straight away! Is it only me that realises if they’d come on blue lights it would still give him time. Why can’t they understand how dangerous these men are.
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They might have caught him in the areas if they had thought to look. Hopefully a statement from your daughter will mean he has broken his restraining order and they can arrest him. Speak to dv police and insist they see it through to his questioning and hopefully arrest? I dialled 999 once and they took ages. They said they were on a ‘shift changeover’! Do you have a room you can lock yourself in until they arrive if need be. I has a small bathroom with window to escape. It’s good to have an exit plan x
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I hope you don’t mind me joining in… I left my violent ex (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. Our daughter turned (detail removed by Moderator)h. It took me about three years to start to feel a little myself again after I left. I literally left with nothing, pennyless on mat leave and in a refuge with an (detail removed by Moderator). Now I feel more alive with a good job, flat and daughter doing well. He has never bothered with her he only wanted a baby to start the control and abuse with me). I’ve never denied contact even though I didn’t want to cus of his drink, drugs and violence but he never wanted to know her. On the random occasion he did see her it was so he could try and get back with me. Anyway, I thought I’d got over him (I mean as in I hate him and will NEVER get back with him. I still have flash backs of the stuff he did and it scares me still). But since her birthday when he (she was (detail removed by Moderator) and never sent her a thing and last year said he couldn’t remember the date) posted her a birthday present. She didn’t know who it was from and tossed it to one side a carried on playing but it hurt me cus I feel like he’s doing it to let me know he’s still around. He’s been to prison, community service, fines, banned from driving etc and even on a suspended sentence now. I feel like (detail removed by Moderator)years on he’s still there in my head. I recently had a phone call from a police woman (after an incident in (detail removed by Moderator)) where clearly nobody previously had read any notes cus she picked up on everything and said she’s going to file a complaint for me due to lack of compassion or something like that. She asked me if I wanted to pursue any of the ‘rape’ and stuff. I said no cus I can’t deal with the stress and going all through what he did over and over again and I know he will get away with it. No point putting myself through hell to see him smirking across the court room. The last officers who attended an incident in (detail removed by Moderator) were two males. They were so upsetting. They didn’t believe a word I was saying and was totally on his side and even said I should let him in. In MY home!!! I gave up MY lovely family home to get away from him and left him there to destroy it for a council flat with security and the police said I should let him in cus he’s homeless. I was fuming and kicked them out. Like I said (detail removed by Moderator) years on and still have dread he will turn up or be seen around (I live in town where there are busy shopping centres). I have applied to move home but unless I win the lottery that’s not happening. It’s like one big stress being relived just cus he sent a birthday present. Like an old wound has opened up.
Sorry for the rant. I am so angry this week, I needed to scream it off 🙁 -
Hey notmenow. Have you received councelling? For me the only way forward is total no contact. Any little contact however small is very triggering. Sounds like your daughter is lucky he doesn’t want to be in her life. I reported the rapes long after they happened. That way when he does it to other women, the police have my statement to back her up. It was difficult but I’m glad I did it. He’s their problem now.
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I’ve not received counselling. I have no contact whatsoever with this man or his family/freinds. It’s cus he followed me to where I currently live he found out my address and also recently he unexpectedly after X amount of years sent her a birthday present which he has never got her a thing let alone pay child support since she was born. This man actually makes me feel sick.
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Perhaps you could ask your GP to refer you for councelling. You could be suffering from PTSD. Never underestimate the effects of the trauma we are left with. My ex makes me feel sick too. The closer he gets, the more sick I feel. Perhaps give the helpline number on here a ring and ask them for some advice. I found with my ex I had to keep strong boundaries in place and when he pushed them, I pushed harder. You can also get some free legal advice from Rights for Women. To protect yourself and your daughter should he try using her to carry on his abuse. Stay safe x
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Hi inneedofsomepeace,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? I’m very sorry to hear of the police response you received. If you have been subject to a MARAC then that means you are deemed at high risk and they should be taking any threats to your safety very seriously. Have you had any further contact with the police to ensure that they are now aware of the order?
If you haven’t remember you can call 101 and ask to speak to a specialist domestic abuse officer. If you don’t feel you want to communicate directly with the police, have you got a local support worker who may be able to do some advocacy for you?
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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