Sorry

[Anonymous]

Sorry for my negative posts ladies, I know everyone is dealing with their own problems and I must make others feel down when they read my posts, I am so sorry we are all facing things we are struggling to deal with, All fighting to try to stay positive, to lose them from our minds & to try our hardest to rebuild our lives again. Love and hugs to you all keeping strong, keep fighting every step of the way, this website is an amazing space to try to help each other, I am so sorry I am at most all doom & gloom, I hope one day we can all truly smile and even laugh, that would be something beautiful. I feel so guilty because there are always people out there worse off, suffering other dreadful things in this world, and here is me going on about how I Feel! I feel so selfish, Sorry everyone, Sorry I am so down & struggle to be happy & positive. I would never want to reflect my negativity on anyone, when we all need encouragement to grow & rebuild our lives xx

[Falling Skys]

Blueberry hugs xx

Thank you for posting this I’m feeling the same, I try so hard to be positive but my hearts pounding because I have to face another week.

But there has to be more to life and we will get there as they say darkest before the dawn.

FS xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Falling skies it is so hard facing another day let alone another week, I don’t go many hours without having another panic, another dread, another weak moment. Sorry seems to be all I say, sorry & sorry I even said sorry to him. Xx

[ILoveMusic]

Hi BB and FS,

I think there’s something about a Sunday that seems to make the misery float to the surface or that could just be me. Not that the misery is buried anywhere really is it – it’s always lurking.

I say ‘sorry’ a lot too BB…It’s like it’s been programmed into my brain – sorry for this sorry for that sorry when I am the only person saying sorry and it’s unnecessary. I even call my millionaire sister to save HER phone bill and I am broke…I’m a door mat and stupid – God what has he turned me into! Even typing this on the Q T because I’m supposed to be watching a movie…it’s pathetic..a shadow of my former self.

Could the constant ‘sorry’s’ we say be a way of apologising for being alive?…it’s so odd but I’m almost relieved to know I am not alone in this…XX

[Anonymous]

Hi Ilovemusic I do exactly what you have just said, I have a friend who will text & say can you ring me, she is not poor. Another who has pots of money, when visited I said I’d pay for their food, as they were visiting me, they let me, knowing that I don’t have much money. I have always been a giver and feel really embarrassed when given gifts, it’s not that I don’t appreciate them being of cause I do, it’s that I don’t expect anything from anyone. Gifts of the heart are the greatest gifts of all. Someone’s time, someone’s love and care, just knowing someone is on the other end of the phone. He used to buy chocolates and rant I’d eaten too many or quite often eat them himself. I can not believe he has brain washed everyone into believing I am ungrateful. Even down to at first having help from the food bank, there was a few items that I can’t eat so gave them to another who was in need. X

[Falling Skys]

Hi BB

I was even questioning myself if I made him abusive today. But I know in my heart I didn’t.

We must take baby steps and we will get there.

FS xx

[Anonymous]

I question everything, but couldn’t even breathe without being told my breathing was too noisy, of cause it was & is, I’m hyperventilating, severe anxiety. I would like to see anyone breathe normally when in such a dreadful state. I’m even sorry for that, sorry I can’t just stop being anxious xx

[lover of no contact]

Blueberry, its negative because we were dealing with huge negativity. Everything about the abuser was negative, even the seemingly positive (like the non-abusive behaviour), and the love-bombing was negative as it was to deceive us and to further their aims of getting a reaction out of us.

You are posting the truth. The truth of how you left feeling after being entangled with and abused badly with an abuser. Its going to be negative. But its the Truth. And its the honesty in your sharing that will set us free and keep us from being hovered back by our abusers.

Your sharing your truth with us empowers us. We can relate. It reminds me of how awful it was so I can remember and never forget and keep the red flags to the forefront of my mind so as not to run the risk of becoming fuel for another abuser, whether an intimate partner, a work-colleague, family member or friend.

Thankyou for your honesty. And please keep posting your thoughts and your feelings as you need.

[Anonymous]

Hi lover of no contact, I just feel bad that I can’t stop myself from being sorry, I feel so guilty that I did not know about Red flags, I knew how badly he abused me & my now adult child. The bit that scares me is once you are away & fully knowledgeable about abuse it is scary because you also realise so much about yourself, I have been a push over all my life, been of a nervous disposition all my life, I knew what had happened to me as a young child and other stuff that had been pretty major, but it was not until the seriousness of his abuse that everything was re traumatised as he acted exactly the same as all of my abusers rolled into one. Then BANG escaping him, freedom project which was fantastic but it truly wasn’t until then that I found out a lot of what he did was abuse too. Also since being on here I realise what he did was physical & sexual abuse too, even rape as I had said no, he would wait till I was asleep and grope me, I’d push his hand away, he’d wait till I was in a deep sleep & I’d wake up to find he had penetrated me, I in the end would just let him, after he would say I was pretending to be asleep!! At other times he would try it on at times I had been physically sick, had been in serious pain, he still persisted, would not care, he’d then roll over & go to sleep. If I didn’t perform I was always punished by up to 2 weeks silent treatment. I’ve mentioned in other posts that his finger nails were square & sharp like razors, When I was a child I was sexualy abused, I used to have to let it happen, it hurt, he hurt me too. Then he tells people I had issues from when he met me!!! First man on my life who had ever said that, I’d been married divorced, there had been others too. I am so sorry because it must be me, I must attract abusers. xx

[Author]

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