Specialist counselling not helping?

[Anonymous]

Hi ladies,

I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this post so please bear with me! Also, it might be a little triggering for some people so just wanted to get that in first and I’m sorry for that.

As many of you know, I’ve been out of my abusive relationship for a little while now and have been receiving rape counselling for the past few months, firstly on the phone and then in person. The lady is very kind and gentle but I don’t feel like I am getting out of it what I want – but at the same time, I don’t know what I want? Does that make any sense with anyone? I tend to just waffle on about what’s been going on since I last saw her and that is nice as I feel safe to talk about anything that may have triggered me, highs, lows of the week or whatever etc. But I still feel like I want to actually discuss the incidents themselves and try and work through them? I don’t know how though? I don’t feel like I’m getting any actual help for the trauma of the rape (and this happened many, many times) – I’m just getting help with anxiety. Not that I’m knocking that. I just don’t know what I was expecting, but after all these sessions, though I feel they are helping with some issues, I’m still not coming to terms with the incidents that I thought I would be allowed to focus on. I don’t know how I was going to do that, but my gut says this isn’t what I need?

I hope this makes sense to someone! If anyone has any experience of this type of counselling or has ideas of other options I may have I would be so grateful to hear from you as I genuinely don’t feel like my mental and physical state regarding them specifically has improved since starting this counselling and I don’t know what to do moving forward.

Thank you for reading this far x x x

[Anonymous]

Hi 3Cats,

I don’t have any answers for you, but hopefully someone else does.
I’m sorry you have experienced what you have.
You are lovely and nobody should go through what you have been through.
Are your counselling sessions not patient led? I had counselling to help me gain an understanding of what was really going on. And my counsellor let me vent about whatever happened since the last time we had met, or talk about events that had happened historically. My counsellor was really good at getting me to understand more.
I hope you get the support you need x

[KIP.]

Have you tried EMDR for the trauma. Trauma focussed cognitive behaviour therapy. Some counsellors aren’t trained in trauma focussed healing so I’d go through with her what she can and cannot do.

[Anonymous]

Hi ladies, thankyou so much for your replies, apologies for not being back on my thread sooner.

I had a terrible triggering incident last night, I can’t even bear to write down what it was, it wasn’t even in person it was something someone wrote on a message, it would be so innocuous I’m sure to anyone who hadn’t been in our positions. I have barely slept and feel exhausted from trying to deal with it and process it. I felt it could have escalated into a panic attack but somehow managed to just about calm myself down. There is always the worry there too that the person who triggered me is doing it intentionally like my ex.

I have heard of EMDR but unfortunately the only group I have local that offer the therapy for free I had a terrible experience with a few years ago while still in my abusive relationship where some trust was broken and I had to make a complaint. I simply cannot afford to pay so feel very stuck. I am in my last few sessions with my current counsellor and just want to get through these as best I can as I did ask her what she can offer and she basically said what we had been doing, which definitely isn’t “working” for me.

I just feel so shattered with everything, physically and emotionally. It’s come to the point that I wake up every morning with aches and worry for the day ahead. These men are horrible, horrible individuals.

Take care all, any further advice much appreciated x x

[Anonymous]

Hi 3Cats, just to say I understand. My GP referred me to podcast group sessions for anxiety during my relationship. Waste of time. When I was trying to extricate myself from him I was referred to a psychological Therapies counsellor. Sounds similar to yours. Months of how was your week, what has upset you? I chatted about the house, kids, her kids, you name it. Never really touched the issues and like you felt it didn’t help. Lots of anxiety tips like parrot on shoulder, but it wallpapered over cracks.
Now I am completely no contact, my mental health is shot to pieces. Finally I have had a trauma assessment with very high scores so told PTSD and am about to receive CBT Trauma therapy.
I totally agree and understand that general psychological counselling does not address the need to face and deal with the trauma. I really hope you can access something more specialist. Could your GP refer you to anyone? Although my local NHS counselling is all led by one organisation, I have now been referred to a national service for more specific intervention.
Good luck.

[Sunshine2]

Hi
In my experience it can be really difficult to find the right therapy and the right therapist – it’s good that you recognise the current therapy isn’t helping. There is a school of thought that says talking therapies are not necessarily the most appropriate for dealing with trauma (due to the parts of the brain that are accessed/not accessed) and that body based therapies are more effective. I personally found CBT didn’t help but I had much more success with EMDR. I now have a therapist who uses Havening and this also seems to work for me. I also think it’s important to feel safe and secure so the person has to be right as well – when I started EMDR it took me about 6 months to really feel safe and secure and ready to start talking about the actual issues instead of the day to day stuff! With my current therapist I felt settled much more quickly.
It’s such an important part of the healing process – it needs to be right – and it’s sad that often this can’t be achieved on the NHS – I can’t bear to think about how much money I’ve spent on private therapy over the past 5 years – but it has been worth every penny.
Keep trying – don’t give up – you will get there xx

[Eggshells]

Hi 3Cats

I know exactly how you feel. I think that I was expecting to be able to talk about the traumas and a counsellor would say the right things or do the right exercises and I would be OK.

I’ve had therapy with a general counsellor who had previously worked for (detail removed by Moderator) but that didn’t help. Then PTSD set in and I had trauma counselling with the NHS. That started during the first pandemic and had to be done over the phone and it just re-traumatised me. I spent 5 days walking around feeling totally stunned, just like I did after the first rape.

I’m now on the waiting list for EMDR. I did it as a self referral through IAPT. Lots of areas have this service so it might be worth seeing if IAPT operates in your area.

If not, perhaps re-visit your GP and explain how you are feeling.

Living with PTSD can be really debilitating and can hold back your progress. I know it’s prevented me from being able to work with certain types of men so that I now find myself jobless and unable to get work in the profession I have trained for (it’s seems to be full of n**********c men!)

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