Spiralling, Missing him, wanting to make contact.. doubts, regrets.

[Eyesopening]

I miss my old life so much, I lived in another beaituful country with him, we have a great apartment, pets, friends.
Now I lost everything.
I live with my parents. Life is fine here. But..
I can’t let go of this thought, that he really wasn’t that bad, that he really did love me, and I love him like crazy.
I feel like people jump to the conclusion that an abuser is an abuser, that they are all the same. I left a long time ago and it doesnt get better.
There was no physical abuse, its been called sexual, financial, emotional, physcological.
I am even starting to think of going back to him.
I have not been in contact since soon after I left.
He was good to me in so many ways, he helped my confidence, I improved in alot of ways when I was with him.
Why couldn’t I just be content with what I had.
Maybe I am too sensitive, my Dad made me scared of any confrontation.
I’m so lost and can’t carry on like this.
xx

[Eyesopening]

Ok I was reading some old transcripts from therapy and feel a bit better.
It’s like I am pushed off a mountain, feel terrible, then I land and feel a bit better.
never feelign 100% better though. then the whole process starts again..
Me doubting, then being pushed to desperate sadness and missing him.
To being dropped and landing again to trying to make myself believe myself and all the eveidence I have.

I still think it wasn’t as bad as alot of others experinces, and maybe I could of just lived with it. Like my mum lives with my dad, they had a good life overall. Punctured by some abuse..
Though I was physically not able to really cope.. I couldnt have had healthy children in the state i was…

[Shazza]

Ou lovely I have had all of the exact same thoughts that you have described above. Missing him telling myself it wasn’t that bad. And it isn’t fair because we do lose out on so much, our homes, the lives we had, and it takes so much strength to keep moving forward when it feels like you are ripping your life to shreds.
BUT. We did leave for very valid reasons and despite what our minds try and tell us those reasons are very real and valid.
From what I have experienced myself it seems like it is part of the process after an abusive relationship to go through all of these thought processes and feelings and feeling like we would be better off if we went back. I have tried to separate out what I would be going back for and what I would lose long term if I did and the answer is always that I will lose far more by going back than staying away. we have to try and stay strong cos we deserve so much better than the abuse that they gave us. If you kept any logs of the abuse look back at those to remind yourself if why you shouldn’t go back.
It is so so hard when we are in the limbo stage if trying to rebuild our lives from scratch and I completely relate to how you feel. But there are so many opportunities out there waiting for us, there are so many ways that things can improve now that we are not with them. And we can rebuild our lives away from them and rebuild our self esteem as well which will help to see that we deserve so much better.
Stay strong, keep looking forward and not back. Work through those feelings but try not to give into them xx

[nbumblebee]

Read old posts old journals remember what he said to you how he made you feel.
That horrible bubbling feeling in the pit of your tummy when he came home that scared feeling you felt if things werent going your way the lonliness even when you were with him that what hurts me.
Today I (detail removed by Moderator) i was so happy who did i message to tell? Nobody cause he did all he could to stop me even up to this morning so i had nobody to celebrate with im lonley and married. You dont wanna go back to this. You miss the good times i get that you doubt yourself cause your eyes are clouded over but open em up again sweetie remember all that you were and realise all that you are now stronger happier healthier calmer yes i can imagine how hard it is but you gotta keep pushing away these feelings and keep dreaming of a better free life.
Sending you hugs xx

[nbumblebee]

Ps go get that stone right now, pick a stone hold it tight and close tell it that you are better without him, you are stringer happier healthier without him. Do this every day every night carry that stone with you and if you waver you go back and you say the above again keep on saying it to your stone until you believe it sweetie. Xxxxxx

[beachhut]

What we are missing is the thought of the life we should have had, not the life we actually lived. I like you lost everything, and know that one call or email would start the whole thing off again, but we both know that it is a lovely idea we have in our minds, when we become sad for what ever reason we think of how things should have been, could have been if circumstances had been different. If we could have accepted the way we were living we would never have left, but we did because we know we are worth more, deserve more and one day will have more. As hard as it is you know you did the right thing leaving, and you are allowed to have ‘what if days’. Take care.

[Marmalade]

I totally agree with the other replies.
On bad days when times are tough and miserable, we miss our dreams, the hopes we cherished of the happy ever after. But they are a fantasy. The reality was so destructive that we had to escape. Remind yourself of the bad times. It brings us back to reality.
I understand. I have days like this. My ex lovebombed me from the start offering me all my dreams. I clung to those when my life descended into nightmare. Now we are long split, police involvement and my ex hates me but still I have moments of longing for him and my shattered dreams. Its hard to understand for people who have not experienced abuse.
Keep strong. You are worth so much more.

[FindingNormalityAgain]

Often we miss them because in the situation we were “comfortable” despite all the actions that lead us to seek for help like we have, due to the rose tinted glasses that stops us from seeing the reality until we do.

You are much better off without him and life will get better.

(detail removed by moderator), although there was no physical abuse (my ex abused emotionally, psychologically and financially) – I was working 6-7 days per week (detail removed by moderator)

Although financially I lost out big time (in total including all the extra money earnt to keep the home and food on the table), I lost out on about 7k. Money can be earnt again, things can be replaced but what matters most is that your safety and mental wellbeing are cared for and nurtured to get you through this.

Admittedly the thing that I personally find the hardest to let go of/get my head around is the principal of it (or the lack of in this case). I don’t understand how someone can be abusive towards another individual, we are all human and we all have our worth.

Please don’t make contact with him and try to seek ways to move forward, if you go back to him he can get back into your head and cause further damage (whether emotional/psychological/financial/physical). You are worth so much more than that, we all are – you deserve to be happy, to be able to move on and live your life to the fullest.
Don’t give him another chance to abuse you in any form. x

[Eggshells]

Hi Eyesopening.

It’s interesting that you say he improved you. It doesn’t sound like he improved your wellbeing and surely that is the greatest improvement we could all wish for now – to be settled.

I’m wondering if what he actually did was to push you in the direction he wanted you to go. You then did all the work to get there.

Whilst much of the abuse we suffer might look slightly different in the details, it all has the same damaging impact. Abuse wounds us and scars us whether it is physical, sexual, financial, psychological etc. It’s not really possible to say that one person’s abuse is worse than another’s. Could there be some cognitive dissonance creeping in?

Ofcourse the good side of him is no more real than the fabrications that so many abusers create to keep us hooked into the cycle of abuse. Those good times feel nice but they are a construct, designed with purpose and only available to us when they feel like letting us have it.

As Shazza said, when we leave we have to build a new life from scratch. Everything feels alien when what we crave is thexsafety of familiarity. An abusive familiarity is not safe though.

Hang on in there my lovely. This feeling will pass in time. xx

[Indenialx]

I feel some comfort in knowing that missing my ex is a normal feeling. He was like my comfort blanket when I felt unsafe even though he would put me in danger and physically hurt me. The mental abuse is the hardest for me to grasp right now I’m left questioning what was real and what wasn’t. He always told me I was hard work and too much and that everyone leaves me. I’m left thinking maybe staying with him for the times he was nice is better than not having him at all? (detail removed by Moderator) have intervened and took the control out of my hands which some days I feel grateful for but some days I feel so upset and confused. It makes me feel isolated that he is living life like nothing happened and that all his friends and family adore him after what’s happened. Which they all witnessed him do. Does everyone think I’m crazy or do they label this behaviour as normal?

I’ve been researching coercive control, stone walling, triangulation, the trauma bond but Is there any courses or websites to help after you leave in terms of exercises to do to work through these emotions? I am terrified that I end up in another abusive relationship. Although I don’t have the daily walking on egg shells I actually feel worse because I don’t have have any of the good times anymore :(:(

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Indenialx, you have been through so much and well done for getting out as his abuse would’ve got worse and worse.

In answer to your question re courses… yes! If you have a DA support worker ask her or contact your local WA for The Freedom Programme, you can also do this course online which is approx £12 and you can re do it as much as you want on line. It is a course about spotting the red flags of abuse, it teaches you about the different types if Domestic Abuse and helped me lots re mental abuse.
Pattern Change is after The.Freedom Programme, I am on my 2nd week and it is helping me loads, the woman there are great.
I got help via my local Citizens Advice Bureau, they sign posted me to a DA cafe (local to my area but your CAB may know of something in your area?).
Keep posting ❤️

[Eyesopening]

Hi Indenialx,
You summerise it really well. The person who abuses you is the one person who can confort you(they created that on purpose). Thats the trauma bond forming and strengething, and thats what we continue to feel a long time after we leave. But I guess the longer you comfort yourself, the weaker the trauma bond gets. The ups and downs continue, but mostly I feel ok, mostly I don’t miss him, but then I will have a rough period when everything is so so tough, that I crave him so badly, my mind clouds and I feel so confused. It really is like waves, you will have rough sea’s, but actually the calmer periods get longer and the rough seas get shorter and less and less rough. Things do get better. Since I wrote this post, I read a book ‘How he gets into her head’ by Don Hennesay which literally turned it all around for me and I don’t miss him like crazy, but I miss that life and its not a painful desperate feeling, its a calm, ok feeling, but I understand things alot better now.
Keep reaidng, researching, get on those courses Hereforhelp talked about and slowly but surely, things get better x*x

[Eyesopening]

There are two resources I found recenetly, bloom.chayn.co
and
The recovery College,
I heard good things
xx

[Eyesopening]

And thankyou everyone for replying to my post, it was a pretty tough time and your words got me through. Thankyou so much x*x

[Bananaboat]

I reread my journal last night as I was having a brief lonely/missing him moment and i couldn’t believe what I was reading. What I lived with. No excuses came to mind! That was a new feeling. The fog does lift people, hang in there xx

[Hopefulgreyrock]

Please dont contact him!! I think you are so strong and brave for writing on here. I know you can continue with no contact too.
Don’t doubt yourself, your own body, your own gut. Your body knows. Please please don’t doubt yourself. Like the other ladies said you are thinking inwasnt rhat bad because of x, y and z. But the longer you are out the more you will see he was actually worse than what you can even see now. Sexual, emotional it’s not okay. It’s cruelty. Cruelty.

You are a very brave, strong woman. You’ve got this! We all have. Don’t question yourself. Your body knows what it was. And what it was isn’t okay. X*x

[Eyesopening]

Thankyou hopefulgreyrock, your message means alot to me.
I have been out for ages, its still so difficult..

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