Spiralling out of control

[Starmoon]

I really do need some help. I mean emotionally. The problem is, I don’t know how to get out of this downward spiral on my own. Last time I felt this low i was heavily pregnant and the only thing that helped was that he got back with me. I’m feeling so negative towards myself and ive lost my sense of self again… when I’ve researched how I’m feeling i keep coming up against bpd. But I don’t want that to be the case, thinking I have that makes me feel like I’m to blame for him leaving me… but then I only feel this way now because he left me. I didn’t think I was that bad when we were together because I was generally happy

[Tiffany]

It might help to think of it as withdrawal? I honestly think that abusive relationships are addictive. And just like with drink or drugs, when we are in withdrawal only drink or drugs can make us feel ok again. Doesn’t make them good for us. And when we get out of the withdrawal then we start to feel better again slowly through normal means, and it is easier to resist the temptation of the addictive substance.

I promise, things will get better. If you haven’t already go and see your GP about counselling and maybe also antidepressants? And maybe phone the helpline and see if talking on the phone helps. And try and perform small acts of self care, even when you don’t feel like it, as it does slowly help.

[lover of no contact]

I agree with Tiffany, all those suggestions will help. Plus keep posting on here your thoughts and feelings. Don’t underestimate what you’ve been through in the last few months. It has been traumatic. You are bound to be feeling like you do. How you are feeling considering what you’ve gone through and being a single mum with all the responsibilities and hard work that entails, what you are feeling is normal. We are not super-human. We can only take so much. Be really gentle with yourself. If all you can do is the bare minimum in the next week that’s ok. When your babies asleep and little one at school, forget the house, do bare minimum, hop back into bed and rest.

This too will pass.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Starmoon,
I can relate to the downward spirals been there so many times. The secret to stopping them from sucking you down is to sit down and identify the problem areas that make up the cycle and break the chain. E.g. When my children were young it was
Exhausted:worried:no help: little sleep:back to exhausted! My GP told me to take a holiday but I had no money (or at least that’s what he said) didn’t like to ask mum to have boys because she had them at night for me to work and his mother had them for 2-4 hours in the day for me to sleep. He refused to help with boys or house. I felt so useless couldn’t cope house a mess etc. I was on meds, but felt like a zombie. Struggled for years. I was just surviving
Started playing singalong video for the boys to keep them from fighting while I tried to do my jobs. We would dance around the house singing at the top of our voices like idiots but we laughed, had fun together and they ‘helped ‘ a little- usually had to redo their bits when they weren’t looking, but still. It gave me some energy (briefly) to get a few things done then we’d all collapse in a heap laughing, I’d get us some nibbles like a picnic lunch and sit on a rug pretending we were out somewhere or built a tent or fort and eat in there. Wasn’t a rest, but it lifted my mood. My brain had a rest even if my body didn’t. I’m crazy I know, but it broke the cycle by removing the depression for a short while. Acting like a child for a couple of hours instead of the responsible adult was all it took. I tried to work child time into my routine at least a couple of times a week when he wasn’t there. Might be worth a go. It made me feel like a good mum for a change so I felt better about me a little less low. Keep positive if you can. I found holding on to being a good mum, giving the boys a nice experience a couple of times a week was what I needed to break free of the downward cycle. Hope you find something fun to help you break yours. Hugs

[Serenity]

Hi Starmoon,

I’m sorry you’re suffering.

I think, like me, your pain is because their behaviour was so unkind and cruel, and undeserved. He crossed a human boundary in treating you like he did. It takes a lot to get back from that.

These abusers are very clever in that they do things to make even the most previously content and independent person feel dependent. They make us feel codependent. This is because they destroyed our sense of self- or tried to.

But they didn’t succeed. Though we have been put through an extortionate mount of pain and been rocked to our core, we are still here, still standing- if wobbling a bit!

I think we need to drill it in to our head that it is nothing but a lie that they tried to feed us that they are stronger than us- or that we are weak. They tied to make us feel weaker than them, because as cowards they needed to be in a relationship with someone who they felt wasn’t as strong as them. The relationship didn’t work because we began to fight back.

Don’t ever forget that: the relationship didn’t work because we had too much about us, too much spirit, too much opinion-because we weren’t true doormats-even if we found ourselves acting like one at times to save the peace! Our abusers knew we had too much spark about us to be totally controlled. And they need total power.

Remember: he only tried to make you feel that you were dependent upon him. No human being had a right to make another adult feel totally dependent upon them. You are a separate person and- though trauma still exists- you can get back to independence again.

I identify with your experience a lot, as you know, Starmoon. His abuse wasn’t abything to do with you being not good enough, and everything to do with his need for power.

It’s taken a lot of work, but I have managed to become my own friend again. He tried to make me hate myself. I would say that the most important thing is for you to work on really coming to a strong relationship with yourself again, where you are able to show yourself care and compassion and see your achievements for what they are and to feel proud. There’s nothing better than feeling at peace with yourself. Whatever it takes- counselling, support…keep posting here, too.

These abusers are never happy, with anyone or anything. Things that mark an abuser are ingratitude, dissatisfaction, a feeling of superiority, entitlement, greed, a feeling of emptiness, restlessness…that is because they don’t ‘get’ that life involves giving, not just receiving. They don’t know the joy of giving. They just take and take.

He took so much from you. Spend this time now giving it back to yourself. Think of it as you being a bank account that is in debit: you need to put enough self-care back in to be in credit again and fully operational!

And remind yourself every day that what he did was twisted and that his words were lies.x

[Serenity]

PS: Just because he won’t admit to this very strong trurh in your story, if doesn’t mean it’s not true. What controlling, chauvinistic man ever wants to admit that he is in fact dependent upon a woman ( in that he needs to get his power from her?).

[Author]

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