Spiralling out our control

[Still-trying]

I know my own mental health is on a downhill spiral which is sending my thoughts spinning, but I’m really starting to confuse everything.. I’ve had all the counselling the nhs can offer. The counsellor was good although (like with previous counselling) I felt I was telling her more about abuse than she could tell me. I don’t want to do the freedom frogram, I went to one session whilst I was pregnant with my youngest and came away feeling like he was even less of an abuser than I’d previously though, based on that what the book I’d say he absolutely isn’t text book abusive. Though I’ve been posting here since (detail removed by moderator) (3 years ago now- if this isn’t removed by moderator). Sometimes I feel sure he was abusive and then other time- like today, I feel sure he wasn’t. I have such bad mental health days- like today. I just need somewhere to get it all out. I have two children two different dads, always had issues with relationships but there’s no reason why I’d be attracted to abusive people. I have good parents, I’ve always taken things that go wrong very badly, friends falling out with me etc… always taken the blame but then subconsciously thought I couldn’t be to blame all the time, so I’d feel resentful and then that would often show and give friends and boyfriends an excuse to say ‘she’s crazy and unstable’. I’ve realised the unhealthy habits in relationships and I’m no longer like that. I respect my own feelings and walk away from people if need be but I’m still regretting previous mistakes… I ended it with the father of my eldest child, he kept walking out and leaving me whilst I was pregnant and when our daughter was a baby, in the end I got sick of it and told him not to come back.. he told me i was unlovable and precious short term partners had said the same. So I tried so hard to make it work with my last ex that when he started leaving me, I couldn’t cope and ended up having a brake down (where my mental health issues started). I ended up with crisis team involved whilst I was pregnant- and that’s just the start. He left me over and over again. When I had the brake down I started to believe everything was my fault, I begged for him to come home thinking I couldn’t cope losing anyone els. He did come back but as some of you know, he left again and again, I lost my mind even more and eventually he started to get physical with me… the situation was so toxic. But saying something is toxic kinda makes me feel that more than one person is responsible.
I know there’s no real point to this, I just have so much going on in my head and need to get it out

[Still-trying]

Sorry for the spelling errors, trying to rush the post at work. I hope someone is able to make some sense of it

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, my oh isn’t textbook either but at the end of the day, these books are only there to guide people as to what make these men tick, they’re not literal guides, BUT many people try using that fact against us too. I think because our oh isn’t textbook it makes us minimise them even more, because the book says this or that, and we then blame ourselves more. It’s like those books written for parents, no child is identical, so logically speaking the advice given is only that, use what you think might work and discard the rest.
I had a good childhood, but it wasn’t all a bed of roses, s..t happens but you deal with it. There isn’t a type of woman who is abused, it’s like cancer, doesn’t care who it touches.
People are reaching out more and more in modern times compared to the old adage, to not air your dirty laundry in public. All that did was cause shame and allow abuse to continue. My OH says he’s going to leave, or i can go anytime, it’s a push pull form of abuse, plays havoc with your self esteem doesn’t it.
You’ve done great reaching out and posting. How can we make sense of this to others when we can’t even do that for ourselves.
Keep reading others posts, keep posting. You’ll find your own way to deal with what’s going on.
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Eve1]

Hi Still-trying,

I don’t think my husband was textbook either, but I could see he was adominator. Have you read Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that’? That was the book that laid it all out for me. When I read it, I felt like I’d been hit with a truck, there was so much in it that applied to my ex. I couldn’t believe it. I stopped wondering whether I had been to blame after that.

I also had nhs counselling, but it doesn’t last long, does it? A few weeks. Eventually I paid for some long term counselling, which helped a lot.

Be as kind to yourself as you can. As Ive posted today, I’m many years out of the abuse, but things still take me back to ruminating on it. Some of the best advice I’ve heard is to give yourself compassion.

love
Eve
x

[Fergie]

Still trying. You just made me cry. I’m exactly like that. There are good times in my rekarionship but in the back of my mind I know what’s happening. It eats me up and then I melt down. They make us break, we carry their issues that they have put on us. Cause we are not perfect but it’s ok not to be. Real men would help us to get through the bad days not hold them against us.

This forum is so good. We have each other. You are going to be ok

[Still-trying]

Thank you so much for all of your replies ladies. I’m so sorry it took so long to respond

[Author]

Posts