26th March 2016 at 8:36 am #12262
Its been a long time since I have been on here. A lot seems to have changed in the last few months or so. Some of you may remember me but a lot won’t so I will give you a quick catchup. After much consideration a year ago I decided to move out of my family home and give my abusive ex a chance. I thought if we had our own space it would be better. I was wrong of course, I ended up paying for everything from rent bills to food and even his expenses. He continued to abuse me verbally and on one occasion physically (he threw a phone at my head for saying no to having a hoover shoved up my vagina the night before). We still carried on after this incident – of course he made me think I had deserved that. Given how abusive he used to be I thought well he only threw a phone at my head. Anyways long story short – things didn’t improve and I had meltdown. One day I decided to pack all his things and kick him out. I didn’t speak to him after this point for 6 months.
He contacted me recently and started talking about spirituality. He was always big on this topic but I never believed him because of what he was doing to me. I thought someone who claims to be spiritual surely would not treat people the way he is treating me. So after this long period of time having not spoken to him he has come back more “spiritual” then ever. I believe in spirituality but I don’t know a lot about it to believe whether what he says is true. A part of me thought hmm he has actually finally changed. he spoke about how he has changed and is a better person now. I don’t know if I should believe this.
I met up with him and for those 2 hours he only spoke about how he is now an expert in breathing and controlling his body and that much closer to enlightenment. He isn’t a vegan (i thought part of being enlightened was to be compassionate towards all living beings – so you would stop eating/using any animal products) – maybe I am wrong about this?. I guess what I am trying to ask is whether abusers can change by have strong beliefs about something like spirituality?
I don’t know and I am confused. Should I continue to speak to him or give up the hope of him ever changing. He still hasn’t admitted responsibility for any wrong doing till this date. He said he has burnt his bad karma through meditation and therefore he is free from the pains of past. Is this all rubbish or perhaps partly true?
Please help ladies.
26th March 2016 at 8:58 am #12266Falling SkysParticipant
They can serve abuse in so many ways and they know all we want is for it work they play on it.
I would say tread carefully, mine would say anything for me to forgive and try again.
26th March 2016 at 9:44 am #12271
he says we can’t ever be together but we can be friends.
So a part of me thinks well if he is not trying to come back into my life as a partner but just as a friend then maybe it is all true
26th March 2016 at 10:09 am #12272Falling SkysParticipant
Them being friends is away of still controlling you, well that what mine would do.
But time will tell and what do you want?
26th March 2016 at 2:07 pm #12293AyannaParticipant
Well, if he burnt his bad karma he has to go to you and beg you for forgiveness. As he did not do that he abuses spirituality and has not changed. That is bad karma for him. Beware, he will soon abuse you again.
Run, as long as you can. Or kick him away far, like a football, to never come back into your life. xx
27th March 2016 at 12:53 am #12324SaharaDParticipant
Hi SmallSteps and welcome back to the new forum
In my opinion go back to no contact with this abuser. Stop talking to him and Stop seeing him.
It’s all about him! Oh look and be in awe of me. oh look at me I’m a better person. Oh look at me I’ve changed. Oh look at me breathing. bOW DOWN and worship me being so much closer to enlightenment. Oh look at me so free from my past.
Shame his spirituality hasn’t taught him to be HUMBLE.
Shame his spirituality hasn’t taught him to be ACCOUNTABLE and take RESPONSIBILITY for his actions.
He is making up and he goes along and it’s a whole load of crock. Do not buy into it.
I suggest you don’t look to him for spiritual advice. Don’t believe a word he says. Don’t get sucked back into the cycle of abuse.
Have you met his spiritual advisor who knows he abused you?
Has he gone on a perpetrator programme? No that would take a year.
No you can’t be friends with him. He is a toxic person: best to stay as far as possible away from.
He won’t be a friend. He will be a FRI-ENEMY!!!
My abusive husband said the same thing “seeing his pastor” and “going to church 3 times a week” I have never met or been contacted by this pastor and church so as far as I can tell I have no hard evidence they don’t exist.
27th March 2016 at 6:15 am #12328SerenityParticipant
I so agree with all of the ladies’ replies above.
If he had been enlightened, the focus would not be on himself, but in making reparation for all that he has done to you.
True spirituality is directed outwards. It transforms your behaviour towards other human beings. It humbles you and helps you develop a conscience. It doesn’t pump up your self-pride.
The friends thing: yes, to keep you there, in case he has use for you.
27th March 2016 at 9:07 am #12333
I know you ladies are right, its just so hard sometimes to come to terms with the fact that this is just another game for him.
I thought about this all of last night and I realised that if he really was spiritual he wouldn’t be so contradicting. He keeps sending me things against animal abuse and how I shouldn’t have diary – but he has it! he says he’s stop having milk but still eats everything else containing diary.
He tells me that people require a few moments to think before they carry out a conscious act – well I guess that meant that every word and physical abuse was a conscious act – he just doesn’t admit it directly.
I guess what I am frustrated with is that he can brush everything he did to me under the carpet by labelling it “spiritual healing”
He is good in how he twists everything so it doesn’t seem like its all about him. but most often all his sentences start with ” I started this debate…. I did this….. I have reached this stage….. I this I that… its all IIIIIIIIIIII!
sometimes I just don’t understand how many times it will take for him to mistreat me before I finally leave it all and go. He says I should be thankful that we are even talking because he made the effort. I know that I am a sucker – I guess my loneliness sometimes gives in.
I need to be strong 🙁
27th March 2016 at 1:26 pm #12346SerenityParticipant
Remember the old saying- charity begins at home.
Some people build a public image being beneficious, charity givers, spiritual, etc- then they go home and abuse their nearest and dearest.
I told my ex that he had a public face and a different one for home.
I know it’s hard for you to comprehend that this is another game, because you aren’t like him.
The lengths to which he us trying to build such a new image, and the different things he is engaging in, sound quite manic to me, someone who is quite unstable.
Please protect yourself x*x
27th March 2016 at 9:44 pm #12373LilycatParticipant
Dear Small Steps,
You are not a sucker at all. You are taking the important step of questioning what he is doing and that is a major step.
If I can share my experiences to reassure you that you are not being a sucker, I will.
Very briefly, I am a Christian and married a man who seemed to be very generous and loving- devoting lots of his time to our church, (removed by moderator) and giving money to charity, and so on. During the first year of marriage he seemed fine and real gentleman, but soon after these early days he began to express racist and classist views, e.g. telling me that he did not want to shop in the same shops as immigrants, that Asian shops were dirty,… yup,really lovely, especially as my ethnicity is an Asian one! He also allowed his young adult child to be abuse to me and denied that anything abusive was happening (e.g. my stepchild put my toothbrush in faeces and broke my belongings). He said that I should be quiet and not make a fuss because it was ‘not kind’ and *indeed* abusive to say anything to them. All this time he continued to show a good deal of piety in public. Like your partner, he has never apologised. I have left him, but he still sends me letters saying how he prays for my wellbeing.
Outward spirituality and religion can be good covers for abusive behaviour. Some people even convince themselves that they have ‘changed’. A telltale that things are the same is that they never apologise.
I wish you strength with whatever you decide. Never be fooled- you deserve better.
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