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    • #93860
      Justholdingon
      Participant

      We have a legal agreement that (detail removed by moderator) alternates who she is spending xmas with, but moving between parents a lot is hard for her. I promised that this year would be relaxed, (detail removed by moderator). Now he’s making demands about the days around xmas.
      I was looking forwards to a relaxing time, and, more importantly, so was (detail removed by moderator).

      I always find saying mo to him terrifying, and just feel completely shaken up.

    • #93863
      KIP.
      Participant

      He wants you to feel shaken up and terrified. Is there someone who can act as a go between so you don’t have to have any direct contact with him. Contact is toxic. If it’s your turn to have her then you have the backing of the courts. If it’s his turn then don’t expect him to do anything you want x

    • #93867
      Justholdingon
      Participant

      Its my turn. I had to leave a school concert today as sitting near him was going to give me a panic attack.

    • #93871
      [email protected]
      Participant

      They make it so difficult don’t they especially at this time of year good will and all of that they use that to there advantage. I’m not sure if you could get your solicitor to write to him to remind him this is your year his is next? Might be abit late given the time of year xx you do have to put your foot down with theses men or they totally take over xx were conditioned to keep the peace and to be scared to say no as we have the fear knowing they will retaliate xx try to get s third party for communicating and go to school stuff separately when possible xx I’m the same being in the same room as my ex sends me in to blind panic xx

    • #93875
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s your turn and you need to set boundaries or this will carry on for years to come. Switch your phone off or block his number over Xmas. Enjoy the peace and quiet and if he turns up or kicks off theN ring the police. I know it’s terrifying but it’s short term till you get your boundaries taken seriously.

    • #93877
      Justholdingon
      Participant

      Oh my God! I put my foot down. Why am I always terrified when I do this?

    • #93878
      [email protected]
      Participant

      It’s really critical that you do at this point xx kids look at both parents as the main role models so if she thinks he’s stronger and more powerful than you this can change them. So I take the chance they steer towards him xx so it’s best to set it now. We’re scared because we know we will be punished but you have an order your simply having your child in your ordered time xx what can he do really ? Xx I do understand tho xx remember abusive men damage the mother child bond xx

    • #93879
      [email protected]
      Participant

      Don’t take the chance is what I mean xx

    • #93881
      Justholdingon
      Participant

      So scared. He’s sent me two more texts. Every time I stand up to him he barrages me with texts.
      Earlier, I was thinking that I should never have escaped.

    • #93882
      [email protected]
      Participant

      Keep count of the amount off texts mayb the solicitor could address this for you xx your feeling harassed and that’s not ok xx

    • #93883
      [email protected]
      Participant

      You definitely sound like you need a third party to deal with him that’s what I did and other women on here xx then they stop the antics to a degree. You did the right thing leaving for you and your little one xx

    • #93884
      Justholdingon
      Participant

      Apparently I’m nuts and have made things up in my head that me and (detail removed by moderator) get a rest every other year.

    • #93885
      KIP.
      Participant

      Block his number or turn your phone off even for a few hours to catch your breath. Abusers programme our behaviour using fear. Of course you are scared of the consequences because of what happened when you were together. But you are not together. You are free and you do not have to answer to him anymore. Be strong and dig deep. You have the right to choose who you allow in your life and he is definitely not welcome. You do not have to accept his behaviour. Remember the FOG of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. Do you have someone who can text him on your behalf and deal with his response? Any contact is toxic and you won’t win an argument. It’s the contact these men need to give them a sense of control. You don’t need to play his game x

    • #93887
      Justholdingon
      Participant

      He always gets my guard down by being reasonable for a while. I’m going to block him at least for tonight, or I won’t get any sleep.

    • #93893
      [email protected]
      Participant

      He’s only being reasonable for his own gain xx it sounds like he triggers you massively – my joints actually ache at the mention off my ex’s name they make us ill xx try to think off ways you can take the heat out off theses triggers xx

    • #93899
      Justholdingon
      Participant

      I don’t know how to stop the fear. My Mum gets really upset by how he affects me, and she is the only 3rd party I could use. I feel so trapped.

    • #93900
      [email protected]
      Participant

      I’m one to talk because I have only had a few sessions of counselling but this might be the best way forward? Sounds like your very triggered I get that it’s like you freeze? It’s horribl and debilitating xx would your mum take the emails ? Only tell you what u need to know? Keep it to a minimum get a pay as you go phone just for him a cheapy one get your mum to check it a few days before contact and get her to keep it for when he’s got her xx I did this a good friend took the phone for me it helped A lot xx

    • #93901
      [email protected]
      Participant

      He won’t start his c**p with your mum xx

    • #93903
      [email protected]
      Participant

      JH – we all feel like this it’s only natural and when it comes to our kids when it’s through our kids it’s gut wrenching. So the only way in the face of adversity is to find a way forward. Be pragmatic about this get counselling and step away from him. You DONT have to deal with him directly at all and your still being very reasonable xx if this was ever questioned in court the answer is it’s better for a child to not see her father abusing her mum. It’s not good for a child to see her mum traumatised by him xx that’s his fault and his only xx you will get over this and you will recuperate but you have to step out off the picture for this to happen. He still gets to see her so your doing all you need to do. If he upsets her and she’s not enjoying contact then it’s back to court with separate rooms xx

    • #93904
      [email protected]
      Participant

      If your child is suffering due to contact there are ways to stop contact xx it’s totally in your reach I managed to do it because it got too much xx

    • #93908
      Justholdingon
      Participant

      I just feel utterly destroyed. I think its totally the FOG thing. Because he can’t hurt me physically any more, he is using (detail removed by moderator) to do it.

    • #93910
      [email protected]
      Participant

      I was the same and it’s the direct contact with him that’s doing this it’s like brain paralysis xx have your u heard of Lundy Bancroft he has a book called when dad hurts mum xx it sheds a lot of light on abusive men as parents. Unfortunately they use the kids to hurt us xx it’s crazy thinking on their part xx

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