Spoke to him today

[arandomname]

Today I spoke with my partner because we arranged to speak about some admin things to take care of.
This time I told him that I don’t think we should talk anymore, where as before I just said “let’s not talk until xday”. I also said that I don’t see any chance that we’d get back together. He is still being apologetic and taking responsibility. He has done everything I have asked him to do such as refrain from contacting me and returning funds to me.
I have been waiting for him to turn nasty but it doesn’t look like he’s going to. He says that he will do everything in his power to change his behaviour, that he will be that 1% that makes it.
I think he believes what he is saying and means it, but I know I shouldn’t trust it. I don’t see myself going back now after all of this, but it still makes me question myself.
He says that he never realised that I was ever considering whether to stay in the relationship, that I never communicated that clearly.
That was because I never felt that I could be open with him about that. I was really worried about his reaction. But now it’s made me wonder if I should have tried.
I’m still not sure that would have made a difference and if he would have worked on changing, but I almost feel like I haven’t been “fair”.
I know, I know…
I think I’m just writing this down to help myself process it.
I just still find it hard to believe that he knowingly kept hurting me, that he is that manipulative and calculated. Or is he that good of an actor?
I’m so confused. I also miss having a partner, having someone to hold. It almost feels like withdrawal symptoms. While I still can’t bring myself to say that I deserve it, I am hoping to find a better relationship in the future. But that just feels like a fantasy right now since I don’t feel like anyone would be interested in me the way I am now.
I just feel so pathetic. Everyone is getting married and having babies around me and I’m just the one they all pity. I don’t understand where my confidence has gone, I used to feel a lot better about myself.

[KIP.]

You’re doing the right thing by cutting contact. Contact brings mind games and self doubt. Remember they know our weaknesses. He took your self confidence. I’m sure you have tried to address his behaviour in the past and the result was that you became frightened to bring it up again because of his reaction. Otherwise there would be no reason to be frightened. You are not pathetic. You are recovering from an abusive relationship that sucks all our self esteem and self confidence. This will return but I know how you feel. I was so insecure and thought I’d never be able to move on but I’m now extremely happy being single. Rebuilding family and friends relationships. Dating when I feel like it. Any yes they are oscar winning actors. Otherwise they couldn’t change moods so quickly. I caught mine smirking right after crying and pleading and begging. Within seconds he was chirpy and smirking. Don’t try to work them out. They simply don’t play by our rules or anyone else’s x

[survivorandproud]

He is using this attitude as he knows you are being strong and leaving him. Abusers will usually be very sorry when they think they’ve lost you. For example, my ex would realise he was doing wrong when I left him, took responsibility and said he will get help for his problems. As soon as I went back in the blink of an eye everything would be forgotten, he done nothing wrong and the abuse started again. Unfortunately this is the cycle of abuse. If you do not leave it will never get better, it will get worse and you could end up in serious danger. Being single is not a bad thing, it is normal to miss a person to be close to, but just think your time will come. Focus on yourself and stay positive. You only have one life to live do not waste it x

[Tiffany]

Mine was incredibly contrite, hadn’t realised I was so upset, took absolute responsibility for his actions. And I stayed. We did admittedly switch from his anger to his sadness being my responsibility. But I wasn’t allowed out to do my own thing or meet my friends because he was so sad and he needed me there. It was actually a tightening of control and he only managed a montth or two before he hit me again. I couldn’t see it at the time, I just knew things weren’t right. I managed to move out, then to break it off. All through this he was really truly sorry – without putting in any effort to make things better. That was my job. Once he realised he was truly losing me he turned nasty, blackmailed me into paying his rent until the end of the tenancy, and took half my savings. My advice would be no matter how sorry he claims to be, stick to your guns, stay no contact and get on with rebuilding your life. It takes time, but is much easier once you are no contact, and things get better quicker than you expect. It has it’s ups and downs, but you are out and your are safe and you can now start working on being the person you want to be.

[Author]

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