Stalling

[Cantmakedecisons]

I’ve still not done it!

I will do it but I just need the courage at the right time.

I’m angry at myself for delaying my decision or being indecisive (hence my forum name).

If I had done it Friday then at least I would be a couple of days down the line right?

It’s almost like I want to talk to someone and tell them or show them the situation before going ahead, validation I suppose.

I still can’t find/think of another way of dealing with this, so really the choice is taken away from me yet again – the only choice I do have is when to dial or hit send whichever one I decide is better.

[Cantmakedecisons]

I did think maybe I could message him and tell him that unless he leaves me alone i will and are ready to call the police. So it gives him the opportunity to think about what’s he’s doing and stop before the hell of reporting.

[Wants To Help]

You know that’s not going to work. You are trying to appeal to the better nature of a man who has no conscience. He’ll take no notice at all, he will not respect your message because he does not respect you. He knows you won’t report him, he knows he can do what he wants to you. He has instilled enough fear in you over the years to know he can do whatever he wants and you won’t report him. My belief is that if you send him that message then he’s likely to come over tonight and do it to you again sooner rather than later just to prove a point.

You have two options really; report him or don’t report him. DO NOT try and appeal to a better nature that does not exist, he’ll just call your bluff and put you in further danger.

[Wants To Help]

From your previous information that I know of, your abuser has no respect for authority either, he has previously breached bail, presumably not been convicted of the previous things you have reported him for, so now feels he has even more power and control over you than before.

I have seen this so many times with failed cases/convictions in the past and I understand how this can cause a lady to feel that she has no trust in the authorities and has to try and resolve the issue herself.

Abusers will seriously affect our mental health over time, and often we go on anti-depressants to help us cope with our lifestyle of abuse. This then gives them the extra advantage to play the card of “you are unstable, you’re mentally unwell, you’re on medication” and due to this “no one will believe you when you tell them x, y and z.”

We know from their behaviour that they are great actors, that they are totally in control and know what they are doing. So when they are violent to us, it is not them lashing out having lost the plot, they are lashing out because they can and they want to. They want to gain control at that moment in time for a reason. That reason will be specific to them, albeit a punishment, or just because they want to dominate and put us in our place. If we react by calling 999, as soon as the Police arrive they can then act all calm and pleasant and tell the Police that we are the ones who are ‘having a mental break down’ ‘have lost the plot’ or whatever other lie they want to make up, and because we sometimes are there, shaking like a leaf, can’t string a sentence together or make any sense because of the trauma we’ve just been put through, then the abusers do get believed.

So there starts the pattern that no one will believe us, there starts the demonstration of great power – that they will be believed and we won’t. When they get arrested and released with no further action taken, or go to court and get found Not Guilty, the greater power to them is increased and we are left feeling there is nothing else we can do. They are exonerated from what they have been accused of, we are left to be accused of liars and revenge seekers.

Although we often see on the forum that these men are pathetic little bullies, some of them are actually very dangerous and violent. These type come under the Generally Violent typology. These are the men who will commit armed robberies, violent assaults on strangers for no reason other than they’ve been ‘looked at the wrong way’ in the street. They will often have a long list of criminal convictions and can be part of Organised Crime Groups with access to weapons and firearms. When victims are dealing with this level of abuser then going to the Police without concrete evidence of abuse is not worth the risk or reporting. If they are convicted, the victim is at further risk of harm from other associates of the abuser.

Sometimes, if your abuser is this type of person, the only way to get away from them for good is to up and leave, change your name by deed poll, stay off social media forever and cut contact with friends and family for a while.

I don’t know if any of this rings true with you Cantmakedecisons, but if it does I understand.
If it does, then sending him a text with your intentions is likely to aggravate him more. He will see this as a sign of you trying to take control and dictate to him the new rules. How dare you? You will not tell him the state of play and the consequences if he chooses to ignore! He will be round to put you back in your place as soon as he can.

If you are trying to flee a Generally Violent abuser this throws up a lot more safeguarding red flags. This is not an abuser that you can leave without professional intervention, this is an abuser that is hard to leave with professional intervention.

Victims in this situation really are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Cantmakedecisons – one answer for you may be to seek refuge in a town quite far away for you and your children, literally flee and disappear. This is very hard to do, extremely hard, it means new jobs, new schools, no social media, telling your children they cannot reveal to anyone online where they live, where they go to school, no photos of them in school uniform allowed to be published anywhere, seeking permission from the court to get their names changed without the consent of the father.

[Cantmakedecisons]

WTH – No, he hasn’t had any previously convictions related to me or anything else. The police said last time that there was enough to convict, they just needed my statement. Stupidly I refused and here I am.

He’s not one of those abuser types that robbed banks, unprovoked attacks on random strangers – it’s just me that he likes to control and be violent with.

And yes, all sorts of different drugs/medical interventions over the years to deal with this life, depression, sleep disturbance and various injuries. I’ve had to have MRI’s CT’s, limb platers etc.

I’m so tired, I’m scared and I need strength from somewhere to get through the next bit.

[Author]

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