Stammering and DV

[Serenity]

When I was a child, my life was made hell due to a stammer.

I was the only child in the family to be physically abused by a parent, and I was the least dominant.

I often wondered if there was a link. Research says stammering can be hereditary, or can be something to do with coordination and the brain.

Yet some research says it can be triggered by abuse.
I never wanted to make the link and accuse my family situation of being the cause.

However, at least in terms of my own situation, I have proof that trauma was the cause of my stammering.

When I met my ex-husband, I was averagely confident, had lots of friends and knew my own mind. I had more or less conquered my stammer. And in the early years of our marriage ( we got married very soon after meeting- due to his pressure ) I continued to enjoy pretty hair-raising work, feeling proud of being strong enough to,do jobs that some might find too difficult.

By the time I had my first child, my nerves were running amok. He was being so cruel, my body was on danger alert all the time.

I remember lying in bed with my son at bed-time trying to read him a story. I couldn’ t even get a word out. My husband had threatened all sorts an hour before. I was a mess, and I couldn’t even speak. My mouth was frozen. I remember pretending to my child that I was too tired to read the book, and I cuddled him instead, tears silently falling on my pillow.

My ex used to play in my difficulty. When I ( rarely ) expressed disapproval, he said he wished I was ‘non-verbal.’

I met him abroad (removed by moderator). He wasn’t an empathetic carer in that role. I think he saw me as a frightened rabbit, he picked up on my slight stammer and thought I was easy prey.

Something happened to me halfway through my marriage. I was sick of being in his shadow. I was sick of being suppressed. I began to do my (removed by moderator).

I had to do assessed (removed by moderator). I so loved my subject, my words flowed.

One evening ( I took evening classes to begin with), I had a (removed by moderator) which was meant to be assessed and count towards a lot of my final grade.

He knew this, yet this evening before I left home, tprather than be supportive, he chose to make me so upset.

I turned up at college. When it was my turn, I could barely get a word out. My tutor told me afterwards that she was very worried. She wondered if I had suffered a stroke.

But of course, I know why I couldn’t speak. He had rocked me to my core, and I was also worried sick about leaving my kids with him in that temper.

He tried to sabotage my training the whole way through. He offered me no support. He would never have keg me give up work whilst training,so I worked too, and was up until the early hours writing essays. I only studied nice the kids were in bed. I didn’t want my course to impinge on their time.

I was so overworked, I lost my vision for one day. He refused to drive me back from the hospital.

He didn’t encourage me, even once. My eldest son used to creep in whilst I was typing late at night, with a tray of tea and biscuits. He wrote me notes, telling me ‘I could do it.’ I still have those notes in my purse today. I treasure them more than I would a million pounds.

When my ex left, he threw back in my face the fact I had qualified, congratulating me sarcastically on my achievement. I was stumped. Wasn’t your partner meant to be happy for you?

Since he has left, all my friends and family tell me that my speech is pretty much normal. I barely stammer. Because the tyrant isn’t here.

Abuse and disability? Abuse can cause disability!!!

[Healthyarchive]

That is such a sad story Serenity, these idiots are beyond belief how nasty they can be, it is all to do with making themselves feel better. You will thrive in your life and he won’t it is karma. I’m so pleased you are no longer stammering as badly as you were before. X*X

[betterdays]

Hope serenity 2 of my boys have a stammer which affects them both very badly especially my oldest he talks fast and sadly I can’t understand what he’s saying my heart breaks I blame myself as I do for every thing I should die x

[betterdays]

I meant hi serenity x

[Serenity]

No, Better Days, you are blameless.

As your boys are autistic, there can often be a link there. It is probably nothing to do with the abuse.

And if it were, it would be his fault.

I used to work with autistic children, and stammering is very common.

[Ayanna]

I very much think that you are right, Serenity. I stammered whenever I was beaten up by my father as a child for a few days. And I stammered when the ex abuser beat me up.
I have fibromyalgia. I have it for half of my life or maybe longer. All what I read about it makes me think that the root cause of it lies in my childhood. The abuse by the ex abuser made it much worse.

[Lisa]

Hi Serenity,

Thank you for sharing this, it demonstrates how abuse can have a significant effect on our emotional and physical health and well-being and as you say, can cause disability. I’m pleased that you have noticed a great improvement since being free from abuse.

Betterdays, I agree with Serenity, you are not responsible. Have you got any support in place for your children? You could contact your local domestic abuse service and ask if they have a children’s worker or if they can recommend any charities in your area that could provide some support.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Splishsplash]

My son began slowing down his speech like he gets stuck on OE word before he thinks of the next or he begins talking before realising he doesn’t know how to say it.
The past (removed by moderator) years have been intense as we went to live abroad with his job. I had a baby soon after moving to the new place, hit rock bottom with pnd change and missing my job friends family, even my pets! Dragged my son out of a good school and brilliant surroundings that were happy and worked for us all. Kind of…. Well I preferred life when he worked away so joining him full time and have our little family in one place I expected would help us all find happiness.
Instead it brought the worst. My son was being bullied at school and came home upset reluctant to go to school and kids getting physical with him. Me isolated with a tiny baby with no support, a husband living the single life staying out getting drunk gambling or playing golf practically every spare moment. But I was making him miserable.

I only had my maternity pay to buy food with. I had to beg for money. I was so scared of leaving the house I couldn’t make the huge bus ride to the doctors.
He stayed out till silly times. Came in drunk, tried to force me to have sex with him so I went in another room to get away and be closer to the kids, or he would come in and wake my eldest and try kick him out of his bed. We vme home from a friends house late one night and i was feeding baby a bottle with my eldest sat beside me when he walked over and full on punched me in the jaw and trashed the place. The next morning i reported to welfare. I should have rung the police but i was stunned and wanted to settle the kids knowing he would just go to sleep. He remembered nothing of that nigh but my son was right there.
He was always a write off hungover and sleeping for nearly 2 days to recover from the drink. Did we ever get away or do stuff together maybe get the food shop? No… Nothing I walked around and around aimlessly to get outside with the kids. To gwet out of his way.

I wanted to run away

I had no savings

I didn’t have the strength to do it

I asked for help and he switched on being the nice guy for the people he had to till they stopped coming round to check on us( social services, health visitor)

This was my hell for (removed by moderator) years. It got much worse I plotted where I could go to hang myself and how I would do it

A few days later I walked into a&e to be assessed. This is not me.

Receiving treatment help I rose above the dark fog and sussed a way out. When the icing was on the one day I went for it. He was punching my eldest in the stomach and twisting his arms around his back play fighting with him whilst drunk in public. My boy was sobbing and my husband sneered when I ordered him to stop.
I rang home and said I wanted out

I got a flight home. All my family and friends ready and waiting to help me with everything

Its going well. Early days but I’m so much happier. So are the kids. My eldest doesn’t even ask for his dad. His dad is disputing parentage of both children. Any excuse to not pay out money! He even borrowed the first bit and only bit of equity in the house to bet it all away for something to do whilst on leave. He hid rhe evidence but i smelled a rat and found iy. That was  (removed by moderator) in.

I want nothing but to be free of him.

He never changed in the (removed by moderator) years I gave him

He got worse

We got out

[Serenity]

I am so glad you got out, Splish Splash. He sounds like a vile human being x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi Serenity Yes 100% abuse can & does cause disability. I always suffered gad from childhood, not sure it I was born with it it or if it developed as a result of childhood trauma & abuse. He has more or less completely disabled me & the state of my mental health. I too get a stammer intimitantly, My voice shakes, I speak to fast & tend to repeat myself. I’m always saying sorry to people & wonder if that man had completely ruined any chance of me ever having a full recovery. I hope & pray that I am wrong.

[Author]

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