Stand off with my dad- my fault?

[Starmoon]

I’m honestly not sure what to think about what happened… basically, I was at my parents house talking about how my solicitor had suggested I offer my ex supervised contact with our child. My parents would have to facilitate this. I’ve always had a tough relationship with my dad and I’m confused about wether I cause the rift or he does- much like I was always confused with my ex (there’s some similarities between them)… I said I dislike that he is friendly with my ex when he drops out child off.
I think I maybe was being passive and abusive myself by even saying it… whilst I know my mum hates my ex, i don’t fully believe my dad sides with me because of our own strained history… I mean how can he believe my ex abused me, when he often is similar.. anyway, he absolutely hit the roof when I said he was friendly with him… I know I shouldn’t have said it, I knew it would annoy him. He was absolutely fuming, he stood up, loomed over me and screamed in my face repeatedly, he kneeled on the floor in anger and continued to shout. I sat completely still and calmly repeated over and over again that he was being aggressive and abusive which angered him even more.. I can’t fully remember the things he said about me, I think he said I was manipulative… I think I was- this worries me.
I realised that saying they were friendly with him had upset them both but whilst my dad was screaming and shouting at me, I refused to back down.
Eventually he left the room and I told my mum that I wouldn’t back down out of fear.

These sort of situations contradict the things I’ve learned and believe about my ex… perhaps I did used to manipulate him into reacting in the same way that my dad does?!

[Anonymous]

Hi Starmoon,

I’m sorry you experienced this. Your father and ex are responsible for their actions and responses. If you felt he was friendly by what you observed, why was it so offensive to say how you felt? Are you not allowed to feel? The fact your solicitor suggested to offer supervised contact says there is sufficient concern regarding your ex. It’s hard to see your father who is supposed to protect you behave in a friendly way that could look supportive of your ex. Women who experience abuse growing up can have a higher chance of getting involved in an abusive relationship.
Is it unacceptable for you to calmly say your father is friendly with your ex? But acceptable for him to explode and behave in a frightening way? And to say hurtful things to you. The things your father said pass blame on to you. As survivors we have already dealt with enough unfair blame.
We do have to be careful with what we say and how we confront people who abuse others. I finally stopped communicating with my ex because there was no sense in it. It only opened the door to further abuse. He didn’t care that his actions hurt me, and he could never take responsibility for the harm he caused.
Sorry, but your father’s reaction sounds very similar to a toddler’s tantrums.
I’m normal relationships it’s healthy and expected to share how you feel, or say if anything they did hurt you. And a normal person would be sorry that they hurt you even if it was unintentional.
Best wishes xx

[Author]

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