Started counselling, advice needed

[Sunflowersandstars]

Hi all
I am 5 weeks into my counselling and although the fear/anxieties I am having after leaving an abusive relationship are improving I feel I’m declining in other aspects. For example we started to explore why I might have felt I didn’t deserve better in my relationship and I feel like it’s opening a can of worms in regards to my childhood and relationship with my mother. I feel like I’ve always justified her actions but it’s now got to a point I’m not sure who I am, can I trust myself? My judgements. I’m starting to understand that the feelings I had as a child are due to how she behaved towards me. It’s just that I think that so many other children go through actual abuse so why do I feel so bad? My mind is so full all the time trying to figure things out, I feel sad at times, I don’t tend to show emotions. I think I’m actually really dissociated with my own feelings and I’m not sure how to trust my own feelings. I feel okay one day and the next I feel so fragile and unstable. Any advice greatly appreciated
SaS

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there SAS, I’m pleased you’re getting counselling now. Knowing what we know now, abuse of power and position has always gone on. With regards to our parents, they too learned how to parent from their parents and so on and so on. Many still believe that children should be seen and not heard, spare the rod, ruin the child. Unless your childhood was absolutely abusive, sexually, beatings with belts etc, I personally think we can’t change what’s happened, but we can certainly learn from the affects of it and not continue those deeds and beliefs. We as girls were brought up to put men first, look after them, make sure they’re comfortable etc, perfect abuser material. Even being told you should know better, you’re older!!! I mean REALLY!!
A lot of how I was treated, spoken to, is now seen as being abusive, then it was normal. With regards to my mum, yes she was abusive, by today’s standards, she was also mentally ill and as a child I only learned how to react on my feelings. It’s not until I’ve become a lot older that I can step back, look at what was said and done and see it wasn’t personal, but as children everything IS taken personally, if you know what I mean. I had too even let my brother go to the toilet before me, as I was told he couldn’t hold it in the same way as a girl can, my needs were less than his, but looking at it now, it’s how women and men have been for centuries. Patriarchal system and it’s kept women in their place, but things are changing. Please don’t dwell on your mother/daughter relationship too deeply. their beliefs are old fashioned and were okay for them, they’re not okay for us now. But the counselling will help you see why these people are attracted to you, not that you attract these people. Good luck, love yourself.
IWMB 💕💕

[maddog]

My childhood has come up in counselling too. I had what I think was maybe a flashback which sent me reeling. The counsellibg has helped to contain it & see it for what it is. As children we take responsibility for the things that happen to us even when we have no control. I am learning eventually that I have to drop many of my long term ideas and find better ways of surviving. Often our survival tactics are pretty hairy but if we survive them and we are still breathing they have done their job. I think it’s so impotant to understand how much weight we bear for those who have hurt us. I believed that the buck had to stop with me. In fact I can only do my best and I have no control over anyone else. Bit by bit I hope I am breaking down this barrier.

You will get there. I didn’t know that counselling could be hard. I had built what I thought was an impenetrable wall much as I have hated it.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Sunflowersandstars,

I am happy for you that your anxiety and fears is reduced somewhat through therapy.
But it irritates me slightly that therapists (even with the best intentions!) power through therapy to get it over and done with!
I mean our world just collapsed after our abusive relationship, the least we expect is to have solid grounds to stand on with our family.
Time to catch our breath!
First find some of your identity back.
Then if you feel up to it, go dig into childhood.
When we then discover something was probably wrong as well with our family or at least one family member then this world crumbles down too and it’s just too intense all at once. Basically two worlds collapsing in one go.
I mean there is only just so much one can take!

Pls take your time with therapy. You are the one who chooses the pace and the subjects. And you are allowed to take a break too to digest it all and get a sense of where you stand now.

Another advice I can give you; when you mind is full, switch it off. Treat yourself to a massage. Do a physical activity. Go to the gym. Go to the zoo. Distract yourself. Your focus will go to your body and sensations and automatically your mind gets a much needed break.
I found guided relaxing breathing exercise found online helps me center into myself again. Just 10 min. is already helpful.
Don’t over-think your past. Keep it simple for now.
Your mum didn’t make you feel good? Take distance from her. Trust your gut. And stir back the focus on yourself.
Fill in your bucket first, meaning take care of yourself, with eating properly, exercise (this is THE best remedy against anxiety!) get ALOT of sleep! Keep your social life active if you can. Healthy friendships are priceless. Even if it’s just one.

Take good care.

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