started to write things down… wow

[LookingForAnswers]

I had my first meeting with a WA lady last week. I it felt good for someone to tell me face to face that I’m not mad, what I have explained is abuse and its worse then I thought.
I came away thinking there were some things I forgot to mention or just didn’t get around too. so I would write some down and take it with me next time.
well I did that this morning at work and 10 pages later (10 pages!!! typed!!) and I haven’t even finished yet.
I started right at the beginning, and at times had to stop and jot down other thoughts or times that popped into my head while I was typing something else. memories that I had completely forgotten about came rushing back.
I have had to stop because I’m at work and cant type all day and my head feels like its going to burst. plus I think I might just burst out crying and show a friend of mine, but I’m not quite ready for that yet.
I will read it back to myself and try to make to make sense, and add more things in. and see if I can finish it off before our next meeting.
before I said I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I know now that I will be planning to leave, and if I doubt myself I will just have to show myself this essay to prove I’m not mad.
how was I blind to it for so long? I knew something wasn’t right, just didn’t see it for what it was.

[banks]

hi Looking for answers,

I am so sorry you have been through so much, but what you are doing is really helpful – it is so much easier to detach when we are forced to anchor ourselves in reality of what happened. I have a whole journal and when I doubt myself I keep re reading over and over again what he did to me. Lots of love, cognitive dissonance is such mind f**k but the more you read/write the more clear things will become! And do not blame yourself. We love(d) them, so we keep making excuses. Look up cognitive dissonance, it blew my mind and helped me understand why I let it happen for so long. Sending hugs xx

[itwillbeokay]

This has been on my mind to do for weeks now. My counsellor suggested it but I keep putting it off. I’m going to sit down tomorrow night and start this for myself. I’m glad you have found it helpful. I just hope I can remember…

xx

[Janedoeissad]

The day I left the WA office for the first time was a revelation. I felt so relieved that I wasn’t going mad and that he was being abusive.

I kept a list of three major incidents in my head at all times. Incidents which were so bad I knew they were abusive. That is the list which has stayed with me now. Anytime I miss him I go back to that list.

[itwillbeokay]

I started this last night. I found I was able to write down the general name calling and general things he used to do but I had to stop when I tried to start writing down actual specific incidents. Maybe I’d done enough by then. Maybe I just can’t remember. But I can?! A lot but not all and not early days stuff, that’s more blurry. Maybe it just wasn’t that bad if I can’t fling it down onto paper? I’m going to try again one night soon.

Xx

[LookingForAnswers]

I found somethings just rolled onto the paper/keyboard I could remember exactly what he said and what my reply was. sometimes while I was writing one thing 2,3,4 others would pop up, so I made sure I had a pen a paper just to right a bullet point down to remind me to include it. other times I could remember what it was about, how I felt, but maybe not what was said. with those bits I come back too a day later and could remember more detail and ‘flesh’ it out a little more because my head felt clearer and less bogged down with the other stuff. I still have a couple the are vague.

[banks]

it will be okay – it was bad, if you cannot remember in detail it is because tour brain is trying to ‘protect’ you from all the trauma you have been through! Initially I could only remember vaguely what he did such as lying and putting me down but then I started to recall separate incidents so I have my notebook with me at all times, and now remembered small things like he did not get me a card for my birthday and got really angry for me being upset or bigger like he kicked me out of his house when I had chest infection because he could not sleep bc i was coughing too loud. For me, these feeling and memories come and go so yes keep your pen and paper near

banks xx

[Author]

Posts