Starting is always difficult

[Fenix]

Starting is always difficult. I am not an English native speaker so I do hope to come across okay. I was about to say “forgive me if I make some grammar mistakes” but truth is I am tired of saying sorry for things I shouldn’t be apologizing for.

This is my first time in a forum. When I had the chance to talk about what happened to me during my last relationship to a therapist, I refused. I thought I was already doing okay and my pride rejected any extra sources of help. I had already done more than enough by myself, I thought at the time. I left pretty soon after the abuse, meaning only after three months from when the physical abuse had started. Obviously, the emotional abuse was there from the very beginning. But I did not see it. I spent so much time trying to convince my ex that I haven’t cheated, I haven’t lied, haven’t done anything wrong. And the saddest thing is that I spent so much time trying to convince him – not realizing that I shouldn’t have even started. It was a fight that I couldn’t win.

It was the physical abuse what made me leave. It was something that I could not justify as a “bad day resulting in an argument” which had seriously been most days of our relationship.
Actually, it was a very specific thing he said to me soon after the violence that changed things. A rather short, concise sentence: “We wouldn’t be together if you didn’t come here” (like I mentioned despite we met in England, I am not English so I was visiting him every month). That very thing changed a lot of things for me. It actually made sense. I – was choosing it. I was choosing a relationship I knew and could clearly see was not right for me. This episode made me not come vsit him that month and end the relationship. So far that was the best decision I have ever taken.

But still, it’s hard.

He tried to contact me multiple times even through his family but I never went back. I had to change number because he was blocked but constantly changed his in order to reach me.

I remember talking to my friends and they could not understand the trauma and what I was going through. I would have so wanted them to do so. I was desperate for someone close and intimate to just listen and maybe cry with me..

Anyway.. I threw myself into studying and finish everything I had to graduate in time. I could not let him mess up with my life even more than he had already done. So, for a while, I tried to put what had happened to me aside. Not to ignore it but to move on. I just think I have done so only partly.

Sharing my thoughts now – longer than a year after the abuse – has been proving to be more difficult than I expected and I am actually crying right while typing.. Why on earth does enduring something so horrible and BIG make you feel so LITTLE and worthless? This gets me so angry and upset at times..

I still have nightmares and think about it almost constantly – which I shouldn’t considering the amount of time by.. It is something that has changed me, made me very fearful and that will still be part of me. I just want it to be a scar but rather I feel it’s still an healing wound. I hope that talking to you all will help 🙂

This is the reason why I wanted to share my story and join the forum.
I hope that my story and maybe some of my comments will encourage you as well.
Thank you for reading

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Fenix,

Welcome to the forum. I totally understand what you mean about thinking about it constantly, despite quite a lot of time passing, I feel the same. It is great that you got out of the relationship, realising that it was abuse and that you deserved more, so many women get tricked by the abuser into staying not realising what is happening. They’re so good at fooling us through all the lying, denying, minimising and gaslighting, seeing the abuse for what it is is incredibly difficult and painful to do. It’s also so positive that you managed to graduate in time and that he didn’t get to ruin that for you. 🙂

You will find the forum very supportive. It is a very difficult thing to heal from. We just have to take it day by day, one step at a time.

Have you had any therapy to talk through what happened, with a domestic violence specialist? What about any other outlets, like journaling or creative hobbies, to get out all the thoughts, feelings and nightmares?

[Fenix]

Hi SunshineRain Flower,

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it 🙂

To be honest, soon after the abuse I started writing poetry and that really helped a lot! It made sense of what I had been through and comforted me somehow.. so I tried that as a sort of self-help I would say..

As for therapy, well no. Not yet. Though I am thinking now I probably should.

At the time, after it happened, I felt partly responsable because my mum tried to convince me to break up but I was too stubborn and did not listen to her. So, as I would find out later on, she was right and I wasn’t. It reached a point, just before ending the relationship at which I had been almost sure (and scared) that I would have never seen my mother again as he didn’t make me leave England. And I really wasn’t able to leave or go away in any way until he decided I could…
This is just to say that I did not want my mum to pay (literally) for something which was my mistake only when she had tried her best to make me come back to my senses… I know I shouldn’t be worrying about it and that my mental health should come first surely but it just didn’t seem right to me.. it seems so silly to write it down now – not wanting to pay for therapy!

Plus, I thought I was doing okay. Not amazingly but alright.
So, I decided to allow myself some time, though I must say I just put that off for a while. Otherwise, if that was really sorted once and for all, I wouldn’t be feeling the need to talk about it a year later.. so this is why I am reconsidering.

I can feel that you understand and I am really grateful for it.

Anyway, how are you feeling? How are you doing?

[Author]

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