- This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi everyone.
I’m new here after coming to the definite realisation that my partner is emotionally abusive and coercive. Not to mention beginning to be financially abusive. I’m in a whirlwind of huge disbelief and relief right now. After reading several of these forums yesterday I now know what I had been experiencing and suspecting. It’s broken my heart and damaged my trust.
After meeting my partner on an evening out, we quickly became friends and he gave out the most amazing and positive mindset that I felt like I had been waiting for! Even to have a male friend who saw life in the same breathtaking way that I do was great. We went on a day trip as friends and after that day he wrote to me, telling me that I was incredibly amazing and beautiful. I told him I experienced the same after meeting him. He became very attentive and affectionate over the phone….but the red flag came only weeks in, when I didn’t return his call on time. He began shouting down the phone. I hung up and called my friend who told me to never speak to him again. He called me (detail removed by moderator) times in 30 minutes (another red flag!) Then was profusely apologising telling me he had so much stress in his job that he was struggling. I felt sad for him so decided to continue. Long story short he ended up moving in with me temporarily until he could get a job. (detail removed by moderator) months later of him losing his temper over little things, me paying for everything until he was employed, pulling me back when I was trying to leave, purposely smashing my tv screen and iPad(He denied doing this despite accusing me of being a liar). Stabbing a knife into my phone and taunting me last week that he could have slept with another woman is just the highlights of my relationship. He’s moved out into a flat that I paid for all to help what I thought was a loving man but deeply troubled by his traumatic past. He preaches about god, positivity and making dreams come true to almost everyone. Yet has the most twisted and conniving side to him. Of course, it’s all my fault so I’ve been told. I made him angry and now I’ve broken his heart. So he says he “will ruin me”. I told him we need no contact for a while (my first stage of eascape) and he had the front to ask me for money, accused me of being depressed for a few weeks where he was trying to be supportive and thought I was recording the phone conversation. It seems insane. I am so disappointed with myself and I didn’t consider myself a naive woman. Until I met him. Of course it’s been a cycle of love bombing, control, sobbing in my arms and then threatening and belittling me. So, my question is, when I finally end it over the phone, do I tell him the reason is because he is abusive or just sugarcoat as we aren’t a good match long term. I’m a bit afraid of the threats that will be thrown at me. -
Spirit, you poor thing. Well done for having courage and making first steps. Dont feel disappointed, it can really happen to any woman and it is usually the stronger ones who are compassionate.
Hmm tough one. I would say just ignore him, try and block him. He knows what he is doing i am sure. You can just say he doesnt treat you well and it is not on. The onlh problem is, speaking from current experience here is that he will say he is sorry, he can change these behaviours, etc then you end up at square one. I would just try cutting him out if you can. Let us know, good luck stay strong xx
-
Thankyou mellowyellow (love your username!)
That means a lot. I’m a huge romantic at heart and very old fashioned. He ticked all the right boxes. It scares me to think that people convince themselves they are holy and good at heart, when they see nothing wrong with intimidation. He was physically and sexually abused as a child and teenager. I read that often anger and blame is a learned behaviour. Perhaps that is the case but I will never really know.
My ego is telling me I need to try and get the money back he owes me, but I know he will use this asda weapon. Then I just want to chalk it up to experience and leave it all and block him. Enough is enough. It just hurts me to see him crying and saying he loves me. But that’s the hook he uses I guess.
-
-
Hello, SpiritandHope,
Welcome to the forum, the realisation of what it happen to you, will take time to digest. Many months I was looking for answers what was happening to me, until I found this forum.
Your ex reminding me so much of my experience.
I’m reading a book – Why does he do that? by Lindy Bancroft and despite that abusive men can be so different at first, yet they so similar of what they thing and do.
It is also said that mental abuse, manipulation, coercive behaviour does take much longer time to understand and process, then physical and leaves very big scars.
This is a great self help book, I read and just wish to have it much earlier this book in my hand, when I was going through all the process.
I feel so angry, how he could have done this to me? I really ask questions how he pretend so well to manipulate me, to mislead me, how someone can use other human being in a such way.
I feel disgust beyond the words.
To all women who suffer abuse, do not understand what is going on, TRUST your instinct! You are not crazy, your judgement is right, but we are played so well, that you really can start think you are not thinking straight, and you are the one who has a problem.
My motto – DO NOT TRY to come near me ever again!
Sometimes I think it is not fare in life, that someone did a big crime and get away with it. They take your soul, your strength and believe in humanity, trust.-
Hi fridges,
Thanks so much for your reply and recommendation of the book. It’s true we are left feeling like did I really just put up with and experience all that?! Then the confusion over who they truly were sets in. We will never really know. And it’s healthier for us probably never to know as it’s too disturbing. Best of luck with your continued healing. Lots of blessings!
-
-
-
Parts of your experiences resonate with me, and remind me how I felt when I left. Whilst I was with my ex, when I first fell in love it seemed perfect. Soon, I noticed a few “red flags”, but I put it all down to his troubled past (he was abused as a child) and tried to brush over the issues, hoping that one day things might return to how they seemed in the beginning. I thought I could do something to change things and make the relationship good. It’s only slowly that I realised that it was abusive, and with the amount of excuses and promises etc. he made, even then I doubted myself.
Leaving was difficult, it wasn’t simple or straightforward, but it’s the best thing I could have done. I spent a lot of time questioning at first, how and why I fell for it, or how and why he did it, what I should do next. It got quite confusing and emotional, and took up so much time and energy. Although I still wonder about questions like that, at the time they didn’t serve any purpose. It was hard, but I had to accept that what had happened, happened (and I didn’t know the reason.) So instead I tried to focus on doing things that were good for me, it might sound selfish but I focused on taking care of me, in what small ways I could, and it did help.
It’s only my opinion, but maybe instead of focusing on working it all out now (save those questions for when you feel stronger) focus on looking after yourself and do what’s right for you. After all, you’re not responsible for making sure he’s okay, you’re only responsible for making sure you’re okay. I agree that we should trust our instincts, and no matter what he says you know something is wrong. How you choose to end things is your choice, whatever you feel is best for you, but if you do I think it’ll be a positive step. I hope things start to get better for you, and good luck.
-
Thanks Nova. I just read your other reply regarding the money too. It’s a sour thing for my ego to accept that I had willingly given away so much of my hard earned money, when he knew all along he likely wasn’t going to return it, despite telling me he will. I’m not prepared to meet him face to face at all. It was just a phone call to see if he would comply at all. But reading through all the other posts on here, I’m so sad that I was so silly. he has sent me a Facebook request after blocking me . I’m ignoring it as I know it’s part of the game. I even gave him one last £(detail removed by moderator) on the very last day (detail removed by moderator). My whole being is floored at this manipulation and my giving up in defeat just to get him out of my life.
You’re right things will improve with time for me. I will build myself back up with the support of ladies like you!
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
