Starting to accept reality but feel so sad

[Sparkle wand]

Well I’ve just finished the Lundy Bancroft book, I couldn’t relate to all of it but I did find it useful. I think I probably need to read it again for most of it to sink in. I know it’s early days & I still find it difficult to think of my estranged husbands behaviour as abuse, but I do now see that it was very manipulative & often consciously so to try and get a result or reaction he wanted from me.

It was all focused on his own needs not mine & although he said he took responsibility I don’t think he truly ever has as he has always used (and still does) ‘excuses’ or reasons as to why he did/said things even though he knew he has said his behaviours weren’t right or healthy. He would say things like it was his mental health, his level of distress or the fact I wouldn’t see him that caused his behaviour & as such he couldn’t help it!

He has always painted himself as a victim to some degree and therefore not responsible. He still continues to do these things even now. I guess me recognising some of this is a start & maybe acceptance will follow in time. I just wish I could switch off my positive emotions and memories that I still have about him & us. It’s hard as there is such loss about what could have been, hopes and dreams for the future & for me a sense of failure about my marriage and being a wife because of the affair, it’s made me feel not ‘good enough’ 😢 I’ve told him I don’t want any further contact with him but I don’t yet feel ready to start divorce proceedings as it feels too painful 😓

[Hereforhelp]

Sparklewand, in your own time with divorce… it took me a lot to get to that point… I had free solictor appointments which I went to so I could understand the next phase (divorce). You may find that your estranged husband will up his manipulation tactics and use ‘being a victim’ as a major tactic to slow you down (my estranged husband did this to me and our children).
You have come along way already, have you read Why Does He Do that by Lundy Bancroft? It is a good book which helped me understand my husband’s tactics… there’s no excuse for any abuse.
You haven’t failed, he had an affair as abusers do what they want, they do lie/cheat all whilst claiming to be a victim when we say enough is enough… do not trust a word he says, he knows what he is doing.
I was with mine for over 2 decades, he never changed and has gotten worse! He is currently trying to make us homeless (children and I).
It is tough, keep pushing forwards, he will not change, he will use whatever he can to make you feel sorry for him.
Keep posting ❤️

[Sparkle wand]

Hereforhelp thankyou for your reply, that’s the book I’ve just read! I did have a solicitor appointment in (detail removed by Moderator) & started proceedings but then I panicked & it felt too much. It’s hard to tackle the feelings of being a failure after an affair, I just thought it would never happen to me. Silly I know as it can happen to anyone but my husband would always say I was perfect to him & that he’d never look at another woman. He could be so romantic & loving. That makes it so confusing. I was with mine for a similar amount of time & truly thought it was forever 💔 the victim behaviour really taps into my rescuing behaviour. it sounds like you & your children are in a really tough situation. Hang in there & keep posting too.

[Hereforhelp]

I can relate to this as my husband also said I was made for him, we’re a perfect fit, how he wouldn’t be here without me… it stung when he moved onto his next after a really really short time (to the point where, with hindsight, I believe he was having an affair). Because they can be so nice at times, so loving and kind, that’s what keeps us there but they start again.. manipulating, acting… I had a trauma bond with ny husband, have a Google of trauma bond and abuse cycle, I found that very helpful ❤️

[Mellow]

I couldn’t relate to that book either

[Sparkle wand]

Mellow, I could relate to some of it but not all of it. I think I need to read it again so it sinks in a bit more. I’ve been told that a book by Beverly Engel on emotional abuse is also good ❤️

[Anonymous]

Hi sparkle wand. I’ve read that book also living with the dominator. It really does make you see things much clearer. I’m still reeling over my ex. When I got with him he said he were a victim in he marriage (detail removed by Moderator). He were the worse manipulating man I’d ever met. Cunning and scheming. He had cost me a few years which were shocking but He can’t get anymore. It’s shocking when you see there game x*x

[Sparkle wand]

Icandothis thankyou for your reply, who is the book written by? Is there much emphasis on emotional manipulation/abuse in the book. I’ve been told Beverly Engel is also good to read.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Sparklewand,

You might try “How He Gets Inside Her Head” by Don Hennessey. It very much focuses on the psychological abuse and manipulation. How we are brainwashed. Game changer for me.

Good luck in your journey, knowledge is power xx

[Sparkle wand]

Hawthorn, thank you for the recommendation, I’ll take a look. Even when I read it in black and white it’s still hard to accept 😞

[Bananaboat]

The more you learn about abuse, the more you recognise and the more your brain reassesses. This is tiring so look after yourself. The trauma bond is the biggy keeping you focused on the good times, but as that breaks your mind’s eye will probably shift too x

[Sparkle wand]

Bananaboat, thankyou I find it hard as although I do recognise some of the behaviours as abusive my brain is always thinking it’s because of his depression or his desperation or stress and he can’t help it. I think over the course of our decades long relationship I used those same reasons to minimise or excuse the moodiness & difficult behaviour that he could have. I don’t feel like I am consciously in denial maybe it’s an unconscious process. A lot of the time I just felt like I was walking in egg shells or very aware of his mood. I couldn’t always put my finger on it.

[Bananaboat]

Have you read about cognitive dissonance? The way our brain excuses things or justifies them, I’m no expert but I wonder if that might be happening. I get what you’re saying I did it a lot too, now several months out I keep having moments where I go ‘how on earth did I let that happen’. It’s like a fog slowly lifting and those excuses I used for his behaviour are disappearing. Try not to focus on the word abuse, it’s a heavy word to carry, the key is what is acceptable to you and makes you happy/sad/scared etc.x

[nbumblebee]

I have read all the books and still wont accept it. I can see ny marriage in many of them I would often shout out yes thats me too then in other places id be like nope its not abuse thats not me. My counsellor says its my brain its my way of coping day to day I almost look at my life as a watcher like im just on the outside watching it not living it feeling it believeing it.
It is my way of coping its how i get up and get on each day.
Maybe you are similar? Maybe not accepting what happened is your way of coping of living?
Its not the healthy way though sweetie. I think you gotta be kinder to yourself. Stop trying so hard to accept start looking after you just you and your feelings not what you think you should feel but actually what you really do feel. Talk it out with a counsellor a dr a friend allow yourself time to heal to learn to grow im sure the acceptance will come when you are ready to face it. Until then look after you xx

[Sparkle wand]

Nbumblebee- I think it’s sometimes about words, I struggle with abuse for I feel ok with manipulation. It’s hard especially when it’s subtle or long standing. I just remember feeling like I was walking on eggshells a lot of the time and he was temperamental, sensitive, moody, prickly but not always anything specific. As I said I used to excuse his behaviour and only feel ok if he was ok. Obviously not healthy & if I friend or my sister was in that situation I’d say it wasn’t healthy & id be concerned. Often the things we put up with we wouldn’t want other people to tolerate them at all, we’d think they were unacceptable or abusive.

When you read anyone’s story or books or posts about abuse I don’t think any of us will necessarily relate to all of what’s written but we might find similarities or experiences similar to our own. I guess it’s about not comparing our own experiences to those of others. Our own experiences are valid to us. I think I look for labels and reasons to try and make sense of it, it’s something our brains are hardwired to do, make sense of stuff. It’s so hard as this stuff doesn’t make sense & is confusing as hell, especially in long term relationships and if doesn’t occur all the time and you have good times together.

My therapist said to me last week that abuse isn’t any better if for example they only hit you once a month as opposed to weekly. Lies, manipulation, infidelity are also like that. They are not ok. Emotional & psychological abuse are not visible or overt like some other kinds of abuse so it’s much harder to see & perhaps accept? With all abusive behaviours they are on a spectrum & just because something is more subtle it doesn’t mean it’s less serious or destructive. I think it’s an ongoing discussion I’ll continue to have in my therapy ❤️

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