Starting to be angry

[HunkyDory]

I might be following a “normal” path of recovery, I don’t know. I just wondered if anyone else felt the same?

After a number of months going from scared (he’d return) to sad, and worrying he was ok, if he was coping, had enough money to live etc etc., now I’m starting to feel angry. Mainly about material things which makes me think I’m cold hearted, unfeeling and hard (he always said I was even though I financially and emotionally supported him and his family for years and did everything humanly possible to try to make him happy).

His parting shot was to destroy many of my belongings. He went to town wrecking many items worth hundreds of pounds. Shoes, clothes, electronics. I’ve actually not checked if he cut my wedding dress up – couldn’t care less if he did. He took a sentimental item of mine that had nearly 20 years of memories on it and claimed it was “with his stuff”. It wasn’t, it was in one of my bags and he got defensive and angry when I said he’d stolen it. He smashed up an expensive camera that I loved. I’m angry my attempts to help him settle and be happy came to zero. That I was treated with such disdain and disrespect. I’ve lost so many friends from being isolated. I’m struggling to be with people although I’m not lonely.

I drove over 200 miles today and had pendulum’s “crush” on repeat and full volume. That’s helped ramp the anger up.

Maybe I wanted out of the relationship for so long and suppressed it that when it finally ended there were no feelings left. I haven’t shed a single tear since he went. Is that normal for someone who’s been married to someone for almost a decade? I’m questioning whether I ever loved him at all. What a charade.

I just don’t think what I’m feeling is normal. To feel so detached and cold about it all.

Thanks for reading xx

[KIP.]

There is no ‘normal’ when recovering from abuse. You’re going to experience everything. Anger, rage, sorrow, pity, fear, depression, anxiety and so much more. I was numb for a long time. Then cried at the drop of a hat. I was struck dumb. Couldn’t speak certain words out loud. Trauma is a terrible thing and the brain will do many things to protect itself. Including pushing good memories to the front and the horror to the back. Have you engaged in counselling? It was a huge help for me. However you get through the next few years, will be right for you. I crawled along for a long time. Limiting the things in my life. I was so very lonely when I was with him. Now I’m alone but I don’t feel that desperate loneliness I did with him. It’s all going to take time. Zero contact and time and a huge part of recovery. Anger is good, things get done when we are angry.

[HunkyDory]

Thanks KIP for being there, you’re always the voice of considered reason 😘 I’ve been no contact for some time now and it’s doing me good. I had a call from the local counseling team, apparently I’m near the top of the list now, been referred for EMDR even though not experiencing flashbacks as such. I had a private counseling session but it wasn’t for me – she was like a rabbit in headlights. Like you I felt crushingly lonely with him, happily lonely without. Thanks for making this feel normal xx

[KIP.]

Hey HunkyDory. I’ve been where you are and it’s important you know there’s light at the end of this nightmare. EMDR sounds good for you. Once things have settled down in your life and there are no outside stresses. It’s painful having to go over old memories and re process them but they will come back to bite you if you don’t address them. Lean on the professionals and keep posting for support. Keep going and keep taking baby steps. Onwards and upwards ✊️

[HunkyDory]

Thanks KIP. Hopefully not long to wait for that now and if i need further support I’ll definitely go for it. 💪 xx

[Moonbeam]

I’d say what you’re feeling is normal. It sounds similar to what I went through. Even though he broke up with me, I think part of him possibly thought that I wouldn’t actually leave, so when he came back to the house and found all my stuff gone, he trashed the house. I only found this out because I had to go back for a few things that I’d forgot. I got scared thinking that he would show up at my parents house and beg me to come back.

He actually sold some things of mine because he was low on cash after the breakup. No idea how; he used to make quite a lot of money, but would always demand money off me. Definitely didn’t know him at all!

In the past (detail removed by moderator) months my emotions keep spiralling between anger, terror, relief and complete detatchment. I’d say it is a normal reaction after reading some people’s experiences in the forum.

Hope this helps.

[HunkyDory]

It does Moonbeam thank you. I’m sorry you went through that. It makes you wonder just how well we actually knew them at all doesn’t it. I’m hoping the EMDR helps settle it all down, I can’t even contemplate coming off this medication yet. Have you had any counseling to help you? Xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Oh I can relate to your anger and materialistic side, I am angry at my ex and swear at him and call him names sometimes one day after another (without contacting him!) until I cool down. I am also very p***ed about my stuff which I know he gave away, I miss my pure wool scarf the most because of sentimental value, a coat… every so often I remember something I had to leave behind, I mourn my loss, get angry then sad and cry about it then I go out and buy a new one, a better one to make up for it. Now I own even better stuff than before. *Up yours emoji* to him.
Sounds materialistic and yes I totally am, abundant finances and fine quality makes me feel very safe.

You’ll go through all the range of emotions up down left and right and the best thing you can do is allow them to come in and out. Was it you that said let them pass like cars on a highway or similar. Even when it takes days or a week, allow space for the emotions to come up and find ways to help release them. Anger is my favourite because is does help me to get lots of stuff done. Sadness is okay too, then I just stay inside and cry and watch romantic drama films or listen to sad music then I watch a late night show to counter my sadness a little. Confusion and numbness are the hardest states of mind to tackle because I don’t know what to do with it, it’s there but what is there exactly? So its good to walk and write to clear your mind of your thoughts.
Sending you lots of hugs 💕

[HunkyDory]

Thank you HLJ, yes it was me that said that. For the most part I do let emotions come and go and do acknowledge them, it’s the numbness that’s confusing me now. It might be the medication doing it’s job but scared if I stop them the floodgates will open, but at the same time don’t want to be on them too long. Anger does make you more productive doesn’t it! I have started walking again but not gone today as just in from work but going to try to keep it up. I had long conversations with dog walkers the last few days on my walks which I really enjoyed – when i walked with him it was head down, no eye contact with anyone, scared of any interaction in case it started arguments which it sometimes did.

You sound like me – replacing the lost with new better more expensive things. Stuff it, we deserve it. I don’t think I’m particularly materialistic but for years I’ve scrimped and saved as I paid for everything. Now I’m free to spend I’m probably doing a bit too much. But again stuff it for now.

Anything sad or romantic isn’t affecting me at all, there was precious little romance in our marriage so have probably forgotten what it’s like 😘

Thanks for your words and hugs as always, and sending some back xx

[fizzylem]

Hey HD, bit of a late joiner but wanted to say how insightful your post reads, I know you were asking if this is normal but from what you’ve written it seemed to me that you know yourself well, you understand where you are now and why, and have a clear grasp of what happened – perception – no illusion.

Anger is an uncomfortable emotion isnt it, no one really wants to feel it, but it’s needed sometimes and can be useful. It can be especially uncomfotable or difficult to be with for those kind and loving hey. Blast your tunes, be with the anger and do what you need to do to process it and let it go.

There will come a time when you feel you want to be with others again – once you get a normal, peaceful life back and feel all is well again in the world x

[HunkyDory]

Thanks fizzylem! If I think back, my life has been one disappointment after another. Big things – Wanted children, didn’t happen, coped. Two long term relationships failed. Coped, moved on. Moved home many many times sometimes unwillingly. Failed business ventures. Now an abuse survivor and coping. I’ve seemed to attract bad luck (and kn*bheads) and my life was chaotic.

In a sense I have become hard but not in a nasty way, maybe resilient is a better word. But I’ve woken up, the sun is shining, my little cat is snuggled up next to me snoring, it’s Friday and life is getting better.

Thank you ladies you have truly been a lifeline for me. Xx

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