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I feel so low, I am not sure what to do anymore. I wanted 2018 to be the start of something new. To make some changes to better myself for the kids. I now feel like I am going to let it all slip.
Yesterday my partner finally agreed he would leave. The problem is now I feel like I am making a huge mistake, breaking up the family. Everything that’s happened over the years doesn’t feel relevant. I don’t know how I will cope without him, even though I have spent a long time doing most things on my own.
Before he said he would leave, he also said he would make changes, that we both could. He would go and see someone about his anger, which he has never agreed to before. Thinking back, I didn’t make him go out drinking and I don’t think I drove him to cheat but these are two things that I have brought up that trigger the anger. I just feel I am partly to blame, if I didn’t question it there would be less of an issue.
I never thought I would be drawn back into a relationship that wasn’t right but it’s so hard. I just feel so fed up and I hate having to have this feeling of self pity.
Until this last week I had never opened up about anything before. This week after such kind advice on here I have mentioned something to a friend, my counsellor is starting to pick up on things and I realised friends I have pushed away over the years were starting to pick up on things too. I just feel like once it’s out that there’s no going back – it’s all too real.
I am sorry for the rant, I am just feeling so bad. I have gone back to being the ‘good girlfriend’ today as I can’t stand the feeling of guilt and can’t decide what’s best. I am just confusing the whole situation even more. Why is it so difficult?
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It’s difficult because you are a victim of an abuser. The FOG of abuse keeps us locked into a dysfunctional world. The Fear the Obligation and the Guilt. The world of abuse we live in becomes our normal world. In reality everything outside of your relationship is normal. He is going nowhere. My husband said the same thing. They are pathological liars and will say what you want to hear in the moment. Use your head and think of where you want to be. Free from him. Ignore your heart and emotions. That’s where the confusion comes. I used to feel trapped like you but I can tell you I’m so much better off in every way now. Abusers thrive on silence to talk to people. Confide and ring the helpline too. You are not breaking up the family. He did that the minute the abuse began. It’s better to come from a broken home than an abusive one x do not listen to a word he says
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LinSky, I am sorry you’re feeling confused. As KIP says you are not breaking up a family, he has and is doing by his actions and his alone. Mine too said he will go and see someone for his anger, he never ever has. He thought he should say it was because it was what I wanted to hear and would make me give him another chance, he never had any intention of getting help. You are not to blame and if you didn’t question it he would be getting away with it! It will feel too real at first, I sometimes feel like I’m in a bad dream and I need to wake. I have felt and still do feel like I was being dramatic and that I should put up with it. We aren’t put on the earth to take abuse of anyone. It’s good that he’s accepted he needs to leave! Dont feel like it’s your fault, he has done this. Maybe give the helpline a ring again if you need to 🙂 all the best x
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Thanks ladies for your comments.
I guess I am just fed up of allowing myself to be sucked back in. I mean what does it take to wake up and realise that this is wrong on so many levels.
I would love for the fog to clear and me to see this for what it is. I just have to accept that one day I will have that courage to leave and its hearing about your strength that gives me focus.
I do feel like I am being dramatic and when I did call the helpline I don’t think I was able to really talk about anything – I am awful at talking. The lady was lovely though and so helpful.
It’s true, noone deserves to be abused and as much as I can say it to others and want to help its strange how we take so long to realise it ourselves.
Kip you are so right with what you said ‘it is better to come from a broken home than an abusive one’. That has really made me think x
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Hi LizSKY, glad you got through to the helpline, they really do help so much. Are you googling all the types of abuse and the key words you read on here like cycles of abuse, gaslighting, hoovering etc? I was like you, but have had my eyes opened. It also helps to clear the fog. Not only that, but there’s also loads of advice about how to heal after being in an abusive relationship. They suck the life out of us and leave us confused and hurting. Keep posting, reading and googling. Things will become clearer. It takes time to process this information so be gentle with yourself. Take care
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Thanks freedomfighter, I have read a little about all the different terms but will definitely be reading up some more.
I have noticed now how he’s already started to make excuses and backtrack about leaving ‘how will I be able to get to work if I don’t live here’. This time after reading all the advice I feel like I am a little better prepared. I was trying to avoid calling the police, not sure if that’s my only option. I could change all the locks but feel that could really cause problems.
Thanks again x
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Hi LizSKY,
So glad you had a chat with the helpline ladies, they really are brilliant. Changing the locks sounds like a good idea if he’s backing out of leaving, you can phone the police if he kicks off about it. I would advise you to speak to women’s aid or solicitor about it though. They have experience with these abusers and can help you more and support you. I’m afraid you can’t trust anything these abusers say. They are all pathological liars it gives them a sense of power and control over us.
Keep reaching out for help, support and advice. There’s a whole network out there for you. Keep safe and get the right help and support. It’s much easier to stand up to them. He won’t do what he promises, he will only think about what’s best for him.
Good luck and keep safe, stay strong and keep posting and googling to clear the fog😊 -
Thanks! You’re all completely right, today was the day he said he would go and he’s just been acting like all is normal. Even invited his friend round to have a drink, I’m guessing so I can’t talk about it. It’s like I’ve never mentioned anything. It’s really strange!
Just hope it doesn’t kick of later as he’s had a few.
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Hi LizSKY, it sounds like he is currently gaslighting you by inviting a friend round on moving day it seems like he never agreed to move, which is very confusing. And if you mention it he might even deny that he agreed to go, say that ‘your memory is bad’ or you ‘imagined it,’ that kind of thing. It is a form of emotional abuse and one of the worst types because it does make you confused and question everything not to mention how exhausting it is.
Keep posting for support as it helps get everything clear in your head. If it is safe, write down a list of all of the abuse with details, dates if possible (but not essential) because it helps you get out of the confused FOG that they create and see things more clearly.
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