Starting to waver and need to stay strong

[Stuckinturmoil]

(detail removed by Moderator) away from home due to work. It made me realise what a stressful toxic environment I live in with constant bickering.
I have been in turmoil for about (detail removed by Moderator) about whether or not to divorce.
I have done loads of online quiz’s that tell me I am being emotionally and verbally abused. I even get my friends to take the same tests to check it is not faulty. To put it in perspective I scored (detail removed by Moderator)!! I know no marriage is perfect which is why I am still hanging on. But knowing that my normal friends scored low really worrying me.
My last counsellor told me to get out of the relationship. I didn’t trust what I was hearing and have found another one who although won’t tell me what to do I can tell from her face she thinks what I am living with is awful.
Anyway when I got back from my (detail removed by Moderator) away I had decided I needed to leave but that night he held my hand and told me he loved me. Which is something he never ever says. I did believe him. This made me question everything again. I then spent 2 hours reading the diary I have kept for the past (detail removed by Moderator) of all the times he has hurt me. It was a really uncomfortable read and I finally felt like the penny had dropped. My mind was made up and I was sure I was going to divorce. ( he won’t see a counsellor or just separate) I even rang a solicitor I have a telephone appointment next week. But then today seeing him walking in front of my with my children and dog made me feel sad. We look like the perfect family. I am about to rip it apart and now I am having doubts again. It’s such an upheaval. I just wish I wasn’t so dithery but I am because of him.

[Scarecrow]

Hi Stuckinturmoil,

You are not dithery, you are dealing with something huge and no-one ever has all of the answers straight away.

Listen to your gut, not your heart – do you think that you will be happy with this man when the kids have grown and left? Do you feel happy, safe and loved? Remember that if you leave it will not be you that is ripping it apart – his behaviour and treatment of you is what will do that. It took me a really long time to leave after i had decided that the relationship was over, try not to put a time limit on it – you will know when you are ready.

Keeping a diary of incidents is a really good idea, i did something similar before i left and when i am having a wobble (when he is being nice to me) I look back at it and remind myself why i ended the relationship.

A lot of the time we, as survivors, find it really hard to accept that what we are enduring is abuse. We internalise it and look for any excuse for their behaviour that will point away from the fact that they are abusive. In a way it is a defence mechanism. When you sit back and read your diary, you know that this isnt normal and it isnt your fault.

Have you considered reaching out to your local Refuge/domestic violence workers? They can point you in the direction of all kinds of help but will also just listen to you if that is what you need to start.

Please stay strong and keep posting

Hugs

Scarecrow x

[Stuckinturmoil]

Thanks scarecrow.
It’s so difficult. He was mean to me again (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) has brought me a cup of tea in bed.
I needed a lift as I was late for a work event which he knew. He wouldn’t take me even though a few minutes in the car so I spent nearly an hour trying to get the train there. I feel it was out of spite. He wanted to punish me for going out.
I found out (detail removed by Moderator) he had sneakily skipped something that had sentimental value to me. He tried to tell me I had said he could skip it which I know I wouldn’t have but then I am wracking my brains. These events are just the last few days.
It is just so hard after decades together. My solicitor appointment is this week.
I believe he is a neglectful narci55ist. I have watched videos on it. He has all the markers. I am just constantly on this roundabout of emotions.

[redred]

Hi, I am right there with you, I poured my heart out and begged mine not to leave (detail removed by Moderator). I know I should be stronger. It didn’t go well and made me feel worse.

I don’t know how to advise you because I am at that same point but everyone is telling me its OK to still feel that way about him but also know it’s not right and you can’t stay

[Author]

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