Staying in touch or no contact?

[Indiansummer]

Hi everyone, I have recently moved away from my husband with our children. Initially I was saying to him that us living separately is only a temporary measure, and that if he sorts himself out financially, we will be together again. However, now that I realised that for a number of years I had been a victim of psychological and financial abuse, I feel finally free from it. We don’t have any arrangement in place with regards him seeing kids, but at the minute I feel he is using them to keep manipulating me. I am not comfortable with him taking the children out on his own or having them at the place where he stays, but at the same time I feel that when I agree to let him meet the kids while I’m with them at the park etc he uses this time to get at me. Our wedding anniversary is coming soon, he is asking about it, I’m not sure why. Overall, it all seems very uncertain at the minute. As if we didn’t have a closure in our relationship,on the one hand, and on the other hand, it is not clear how he is going to visit the kids.
Should I take a time out without seeing him at all? Should I explicitly tell him that our relationship is over? Or is it better to avoid talking to him whatsoever? Although how do I do that if we have children together?
Thanks for any advice

[lover of no contact]

Definitely go the No Contact route rather than staying in contact with him. Having contact with you just gives him the means to continue abusing you even though you are no longer living together. The ideal is not to let his words into your head, so let him spout on about your wedding anniversary all he likes but if you can’t hear what he’s saying then it won’t get into your head and affect you. I would definitely avoid talking to him whatsoever. You know the relationship is completely over, you don’t need to tell him you’re not coming back, he will get the message with your no contact. He’ll only you that occasion of you telling him to verbally abuse you, frighten and intimidate you or he will act Mr. Nice to hoover you back into the relationship so he can continue to hurt you and treat you badly.

Could you get a relative or friend to take your place when he is having contact with the children in a park etc? Yes if you can avoid him taking the children to his place or out with him on his own, that would be best for the children.

You could communicate with him by email any information to do with the children. But get a third party to read the email and convey the information to you in their own words so his undermining criticism, barbed comments or hostile innuendos don’t get into your head as they can hurt and set you back. I say this from experience.

[Indiansummer]

Hi Lover of no contact,

Thank you for your advice. You’re totally right about him using every way possible to get into my head
He is not abusive in the texts as such but you can read a lot of things between the lines , or sometimes he is just twisting things which also annoys me. Although I must admit with each day of not living with him it bothers me less and less
I will think about setting up an email account or arrange our communication re children in a different way
And I am getting legal advice too, although I cannot afford applying for court orders myself

[Author]

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