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I feel really anxious about posting this on here in case it is seen by my husband but never mind, here goes…
So I’m in the process of divorcing my husband. I can so relate to what other women have said about stalling the divorce process, it’s like I haven’t got energy for this, maybe I’m in the wrong for leaving, did I make it all up? I start to feel compassion for him, but at the same time so much self loathing and hatred for myself.
When I left I cut off all ties with my church family. And now he goes to the church where I went to for several years. And the Christians I talk to either are so flummoxed or pressure me to work on my marriage. So I feel perpetually guilty and ashamed. In walking away from the abuse, it feels like I have walked away from God. Yet husband is leading the model Christian life, going to church, connecting in the community, spending time with the Pastor. Ironic, given that all the years in our marriage he continually refused to take part, always had something negative to say about my faith and the people I used to go to church with.
Anyway, because of events, I had to see him (detail removed by Moderator). He told me I looked awful. That I have aged terribly. I’ve got fat around my neck and face, and wow look at those wrinkles! At this point (detail removed by Moderator). When I told him well I’ve lost weight actually, he said well look at me. He then started bragging about how much money he has saved since I left and proceeded to show me (detail removed by Moderator) even though I kept saying no I didn’t want to see it, saying I’m showing you because that’s how honest I am. He told me he’s done with keeping quiet with me now he’s going to be honest with me. I was stunned, well more like shellshocked as if my reality had been pulled from under me. I was on my way to work, so didn’t want to escalate into a row or let it impact upon me.
By the time I got into work, the black cloud of anxiety and brain fog descended. I focused on my work, but it took all my effort to stay engaged and on task, and felt really affected by what he said.
When I got home, all I could do was burst into tears.
I had a text from one of my sons saying he wanted to apologise and to talk to me, I just replied no thank you.
I know this is really small and trivial compared to the previous experiences and also those that many of you have faced, but his words and actions really got deep. Really impacted upon me. I felt really shook up that he felt it was ok to say those things as if he was being a good person to do so, and even touch my face. Yet I find myself justifying my hurt by remembering I’ve dropped a dress size, other people have said how happy I look now. But I am aware that he was gaslighting me and stealing my reality. I’ve done feeling compassion for him and guilting myself into forgiving him. His behaviour is wrong, and the best thing I can do is have nothing more to do with him. The hard part is that I am losing contact with my adult sons as well. I just have to say strong and realise he’s just performing on a stage and I don’t have to buy the tickets.
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I think its common for abusive men to change their life after their partner leaves to try and ‘prove’ they weren’t the one in the wrong. My ex has suddenly become all spiritual despite having previously hated all things related to religion. He’s also suddenly involved in the kids school, local community groups etc. Its all a show, and all part of trying to punish us for leaving and keep control still.
The best thing you can do is ignore it entirely. He obviously isn’t as happy as he is trying to make out if he feels the need to show off and also to reinvent himself.
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