Stepson turned violent

[Treetops]

A few months ago I put up a post about my challenging stepson and received some very good advice. Unfortunately my stepson attacked my oldest son and tried to strangle him. My son was defending me as my stepson had been intimidating me verbally and physically. I told him I was feeling threatened and intimidated and told him to back off or I would call the police. My son told him the same. He backed off me and then grabbed my son by the throat and put his hands around his throat. I then jumped on my step son and started pounding the back of his head to make him let go. I then called the police. This happened (removed by moderator).

My problem is my partner is treating me like I’m the problem. He has agreed that what his son did was wrong. But he says that we can no longer be together as he has felt I didn’t support him or his son enough. We have had months of aggressive challenging behaviour and I have been anxious and depressed and feeling unsafe in my own house. I’m positive I wasn’t always supportive but I tried my best to be. And he feels like I should have consulted him before calling the police. Really the situation was out of control and I was panicked as I felt my partner was exacerbating the situation.

I want to work on our relationship. They have been staying with friends over Xmas and they are moving out (removed by moderator) to theire own place. He is telling me it’s not going to work out between us but I want to try as our relationship has been good up to the point when his son moved in. I don’t want his son to wreck our relationship. My sons both love him to bits also and he has not been in touch with them. My youngest is (removed by moderator) and he can’t concentrate on anything. Pls give me some advice

[KIP.]

Hi there, I remember your post from the last time when your stepson moved in and you felt intimidated by him. Your partner is victim blaming which is something I can’t stand. You did nothing wrong. He is choosing his son over his relationship with you and he has done this ever since allowing his violent son to stay in your home knowing how this made you feel. Nobody wants to end a relationship they have invested in but it’s not his son that wrecking the relationship, your partner has choices and he chooses his son.

[Treetops]

I agree with you kip but I can sort of see why he wants to put his son first as his son felt abandoned by him when he left his wife. which parent wouldn’t put their child first? He makes excuses for his son saying he’s depressed etc which he is but as we all know that doesn’t excuse violence. Tbh I’m in a right mess now as we had just remortgaged my house together and he is now on the deeds of my house. I’ve had bailiffs at the door intimidating me last week as he has a parking fine which he didn’t pay and is now run up to a grand in charges. They have moved out and I’m not sure if I can afford the mortgage payments now on my own and he has left me with money owing. Although he promises me he will pay this and the first mortgage payment

[KIP.]

Hi there. I would get to a solicitor as soon as possible. You need to separate finances. Putting his violent son first does not mean putting you and your child in direct danger. It takes as little as seconds to kill someone by strangulation. His son is not your problem. Get free legal advice from a solicitor or ring rights for women. Don’t believe a word he says to you. You need to protect your own interests in this. They always promise the earth. If he wanted to pay his fine he would have done it by now. Please get legal advice X

[White Rose]

Dear treetops
I agree with KIPs sound advice.
There’s a legal as well as emotional issue here and you need to be advised what to do.
I’m sorry his sons behaviour is causing problems but you need to look out for your own safety and that of your son.
Most solicitors offer 30 min free advice. List your questions before you go to get the best out of your time
Don’t leave it too long x

[pink rose]

I have had a lot of problems with my children too. My son has turned out just like his Father, he tried to intimidate me for money, played mind games, smashed up furniture and the latest is he has been in prison. My son has twisted it all around and says that I am the one with the issues and refuses to see me. I have had lots of abuse over Facebook too. My daughter has assumed the role of victim and is in a coercive abusive relationship not sure what I can do about that either because I am not allowed to see her.

[Treetops]

Update. I saw a solicitor and he advised the same, get out of the entanglement Asap. I am going to sell my house but can’t do it until the summer as my youngest is in an important school year and don’t want to disrupt him. My partner is now paying half the mortgage thankfully and has repaid the money he owed me and had a word with the parking fine company. So that’s all good. The problem now is I just don’t know where my relationship is going or indeed if I still have one. I don’t want to throw away a good relationship due to his mixed up son but cannot live with his son at the moment or put my kids through that. His son however is late teen and near an age where he will soon be an adult. I see my partner maybe once or twice a week or talk on the phone about practical stuff (he says it’s too painful for him to talk about his emotions at the moment and I’ve not pushed it as I’m not clear on mine yet either). He tells me to be patient. We’ve been to the cinema and had a drink and he’s come to get some stuff and we’ve been decent to each other but he flinches if I come near him. Which makes me feel sick. He doesn’t reply if I say I miss him. We were planning to get married (detail removed by Moderator) and I love him and know without doubt he loves me.

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