Still attracted to dysfunction and chaos years later

[KIP.]

I took years out, worked on myself in every way and I’ve realised I’m still attracted to dysfunction in a relationship. It feels normal and I’m going to have to work really hard on that. It’s like I need the chaos and drama, it feels safe and comfortable when in reality it’s destructive and dangerous but it must be embedded after decades of abuse. Just a comment some may find useful going forward. What feels safe it’s always the case. Use your head and look at the reality, not how it feels x

[Cedarlemon]

Hi KIP,

You are so right, we are all so used to the drama and dysfunction that when we do meet a ‘normal’ person , in a strange way it feels dull … We all clamour for a peaceful life but when we get it sometimes we don’t know how to deal with it.. I think as well we’re just waiting for the new person to kick off but as we all know in a normal loving relationship that doesn’t happen..As you said you have worked very hard on yourself and I’m sure you will continue to do so . Take care kip , you have given me some very helpful advice in the past x

[KIP.]

Thank you. It really shows just how deep rooted abuse becomes. The gift that just keeps giving lol. Take care x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi KIP

I am also sorry to hear this, after all your great work on yourself. It is incredibly insightful of you to recognise this in yourself and that can only be a massive positive in your favour when it comes to working to resolve it.

I hope that after all your experience and development of the skills necessary to come so far, you will have what you need to accomplish this challenge also.

warmest wishes

ts

[KillingMeSlowly]

Cedarlemon is right – normal seems dull in a way. I think it is because we have become used to being stuck in fight or flight and that’s a lot of adrenaline coursing through your veins.

Also, I don’t know about you but I have expended so much mental energy (as well as physical) on just trying to survive and deal with this situation that I am not used to sitting still and just ‘being’… not having to think about anything or answer to anyone. It’s as if I have been primed to be on alert ready for my next ‘orders’ as I was being continually told what to do. So all this free time and mental space to think my own thoughts feels quite strange and not necessarily comfortable.

[Genericusername]

Very interesting topic KIP, as you say I don’t want dramatic and stressful relationships and yet here I am again. I’d say I am fairly accustomed to it but I don’t want to be. There are family members that are equally hard work around me. Sometimes I think I just need to relocate to a dessert island. Or I guess I could do the work to protect myself in a more realistic approach. Stress doesn’t suit me… Any tips? Boundaries and reprogramming I guess? I’m 💩 with boundaries to be honest I guess because I don’t like drama and confrontation I avoid pushing back when I need to but crikey do people take the pee out of my laid back nature.

[Genericusername]

Killing me slowly 👆🏻 All of that x

[Eggshells]

Hi KIP

It sounds like you might have had a bit of a difficult time recently.

You spotted what was happening with yourself which will hopefully give you the confidence to keep moving forward in a positive way.

Sending hugs 🫂 xx

[KIP.]

Thank you. Do you know the most surprising thing is just how comfortable and familiar and normal it all feels again. Truly a psychological bruising. It seems we have a fight on our hands for some time to come.

[Eggshells]

Yes. To be honest, I think it’s with us for life. It’s a groove – too easy to fall into.

[KIP.]

What a great way of putting it. It reminds me of the record going round and round and the needle falling into the groove. And round and round we go. Well not this time for me. I’m recognising it again, like an addiction and I won’t let it happen x thank you.

[Watersprite]

Yes I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a setback. Our brains like what is familiar to them they like pattern matches and get it wrong! Well spotted and moving forwards once more. Be gentle with yourself – not your shame x

[Funduro]

I had a whole childhood of abuse and chaos and I can also recognise that horrible familiar feeling of dysfunction to the point that the nice decent guys seem like a rare breed. It’s like I’m always expecting men to turn into a (detail removed by Moderator) at some point down the line. I can’t trust people to be there for me anymore after all the domestic violence. I’ve been working on myself too, but when you’re doing it all alone all the time, it starts to grate. I’m still being stalked by my abusive ex and I can’t do anything to stop him apart from move house yet again. These people are so toxic, it’s so hard to shake off the longer lasting effects of their nasty abuse 🙁

[driedflowers]

Hi KIP,

I’m so sorry to hear this. I know you have been working so hard and I’m sorry you have been having a hard time of it.

You provide such amazing help and generous support to everybody on the forum; it is much appreciated.

Take care of yourself. You can do this!

[KIP.]

Thank you. It is a muddle but I’ve survived far worse. Another lesson learned though. Onwards and upwards x

[Anonymous]

Hey kip I did exactly the same my gut feeling were crying out from the start I ignored it…only to learn (detail removed by Moderator)….I thought I’d learnt after (detail removed by Moderator) with my sons dad read many books and 2 freedom programme these men are highly skilled…x

[Wispatea]

Yes, This. I think this is what keeps me in my own cycle as I am so scared of his or others cycles.

Take care and know you are not alone. xx

[Stuck in The mud]

I’ve had a recent experience with a guy (detail removed by Moderator), he obviously knows my situation and attempted to start seeing me .I liked him we get on but reluctant to be involved after my experience but he kept messaging me so we had a drink & flirt over (detail removed by Moderator). Straight after he became odd trying to gaslight , invite then cancel last minute , disappear for hours and attempt to make me jealous saying he was visiting his ex ,then started watching me all the time too !! I kept my distance and kept saying I’m busy with work. I have no adult relationship experience I was married for a long time to a n********t and now this guy is appearing to be the same !! I had to say it’s all too soon for me to get involved with anyone but want to stay friends, I was worried he might turn aggressive like my husband so felt I had to be nice . (Detail removed by Moderator) months on he’s still hanging around , messaging me occasionally & watching me . Am I attracting these characters or is he attracted to me because I tolerated abuse elsewhere ?! I’m so worried the pattern will repeat again for me but also now I would really love to meet someone genuine , nice & normal. I want to & deserve to experience a nice relationship I’ve never ever had that

[KIP.]

I’m using these experiences as a learning tool. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. Learn about ourselves as much as them x

[maddog]

Thank you so much for raising this. HG Tudor likens it to ah addiction.
Good men don’t want to love me. My problem, not theirs.

[KIP.]

Thank you maddog. That’s a good way of looking at it. My friend says that I can pick them, but I’m thinking they pick me. Lots of hard wiring needs undoing x

[Stuck in The mud]

Manipulators source empaths we just have to be so more aware than most to recognise the signs x

[Lisa]

Dear KIP,

I hope you have had these realisations in time to save you too much hurt, although I imagine there has been some. I hope you’re doing ok and managing to look after yourself. I admire your ability to view your experience as learning. You are continuing your journey and helping others along the way, for which we are grateful.

Knowledge is power!

Lisa

[KIP.]

Thank you Lisa for your lovely reply. Thankfully I wasn’t that invested in the relationship and it was good that I recognise a pattern here and had another lightbulb moment. Life is full of lessons. None are wasted if we learn. Thank you again KIP x

[Author]

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