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    • #41653
      Beenherebefore
      Participant

      Hello all, I hope you are all well and safe.The last time I was here was when I was trying to leave.Now a long time has passed and though I have spent over (detail removed by Moderator) working on myself,found a new relationship,I still work with my perpetrator and sometimes it’s hard. At the moment I am feeling the strangest attraction to them again (despite me being with a loving `normal’ partner). i get a ‘rush’ when I see them and only think about the good things. It can disrupt whole days at work (I have gone for (detail removed by Moderator) job interviews for great jobs i am capable of but not offered any of them). My partner is kind, supportive and funny. I don’t understand this. I can often hear my ex talking to his new partner at work and I get jealous and think that perhaps she is stronger than me and doesn’t stand for his [email protected]#t. Then I think that they must be happy because when he was nice, he was lovely. And all the time I sit wondering why I am even having these thoughts when I am in a relationship with a great guy. what is wrong with me?? X*x

    • #41655
      Lyng
      Participant

      You are human. You see the way he used to act with you in his interactions with another person. Don’t be fooled. He is doing the same to her as he did to you. Charming her into submission. If he hasn’t flipped the switch on her yet, he soon will. I was lucky, I guess, my n********t became physically ugly, went really down hill. He is nearly unrecognizable from the man I married. Write down all the bad things in point form only you would understand every time you feel attracted. Don’t feel jealous of that woman, feel sorry for her. If my ex’s new love interest asked, I’d tell her the truth in a heart beat to save her the pain.

    • #41659
      Beenherebefore
      Participant

      Thank you Lyng. No one really gets it apart from you guys, even those who are great friends. I came on here for support and I think I’m going to stick here for a bit and try and help others too.
      My self confidence is up and down all the time and in these low moments I am full of self loathing. Thank you. I will try that. I guess I’m just scared that it really was all my fault and if id been stronger, everything would have been different? X*x

    • #41690
      Lyng
      Participant

      You are welcome. (detail removed by moderator) love to do a thing called triangulation with other people. Pitting two women against each other is a thrill for him. He uses her to get to you, then probably goes home and tells her how hot you were in bed. They are sick, and don’t have real, honest feelings like normal people.

    • #41692
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi Beenherebefore Lyng is right, he wouldn’t have changed, I felt exactly the same as you are feeling. I was with him over a decade, had to have help to get away, was stupid & kept contact, Please don’t ever go back if you were to the abuse would only get worse. He wants you to feel jealous & convince you that you are now missing out & that this other lady is stronger than you. Believe me even if she is, he will break her, just like he broke you! By the time I left I had been hanging on for quite a few years, being scolded like a naughty child, I lived in fear & felt like I would rather be dead than living a life that felt like I was living in hell. If you have found a normal man who makes you laugh, that is a wonderful thing. Be strong, I wish I’d have been stronger & managed to leave years before I did. I think a good saying for everyone whose lived in an abusive situation is “Get out & stay out” (detail removed by moderator) don’t change, his mask just hasn’t slipped yet with this new lady. If you can, even if it’s not what you are feeling, be happy & upbeat around him, they hate us being happy. If he knows he is getting to you, he will continue to do so. Look at her & think you poor woman, being involved with him. Xx

    • #41707
      Beenherebefore
      Participant

      Thank you so much Bluberry and Lyng. I am so mad at myself for even having these thoughts and it is a constant battle, even all this time on, trying to remind myself how terrified and empty I was.When I was stronger, the abuse was at the forefront of my mind and its like I was healing. I seem to have backpedaled a bit and now keep remembering the ‘good’ stuff though it only ever followed a traumatic episode. I don’t know why on earth I am feeling like this. But you are both right and I think I know this deep down somewhere… just need to drill it into myself. I wrote myself a note the other day which says ‘ I will not let me go back to that’. I think my support network has gone by the wayside a bit at the mo and don’t want to talk about it with friends who don’t ‘get’ dv so it is great having the forum of strong women who get it. Thank you xx

    • #41710
      Ladyglittersparkles
      Participant

      I felt this way too. It had been over a year since we separated. I’d gotten some of the old me back. we started talking again over the phone. Met for coffee twice. within 3months his facade faded and quite literally showed his true colours. I wasn’t doing things to his satisfaction and things were not progressing quickly enough. And then cue the verbal abuse. Raging tantrums. Insults.
      Blocked him. Won’t communicate or see him.
      He has no respect. And his behavior is ingrained. Hell never change. (detail removed by moderator) relationship.I wanted to test the waters with him see if he had changed or was different. Nope is the answer. Steer clear my friend is my advice xx the wondering is far better than the reality

    • #41724
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      I think this is very common, due to trauma bonding, and also because often these men subconsciously remind us of an unhealthy caregiver from our childhood so their behaviour a) feels familiar and b) we want to return to this type of person to ‘finally get the love’ we didn’t get in childhood and somehow heal the past. Of course it doesn’t work like that and we just get abused again and in an enormous amount of pain.

      I am having the same reaction to my abusive ex, I feel ashamed to find myself checking my phone actually hoping he’s texted, even though I am terrified of him and never actually want to see him again. It’s a terrible feeling that I wish I didn’t have.

      I think reading about abusive relationships and therapy would help if you haven’t tried those already, I am hoping therapy will help me loosen the trauma bonds and start subsconsciously being attracted to healthy partners rather than abusive types.

    • #41737
      Alicenotichains
      Participant

      Hello ladies,

      I think this is such an interesting topic. The trauma bonding and addictive aspect of these men are hard to understand ourselves and even harder for the outside world to comprehend which is why victim-blaming is so rife and why this forum is so important to us all.
      Anyone who has ever been irrationally drawn to an abuser gets it. I totally get it. It proves that the abuse has a terrible effect of your brain, your decision making becomes distorted and confused.
      It’s interesting that we all seem to have battled the same feelings of being drawn to these abusive individuals despite our terrible experiences with them. It takes a huge amount of energy to overcome the trauma bond and to re- wire your whole brain.
      Some of us are at different stages in the process, I am fairly early in mine and I still sometimes feel strongly drawn to my recent ex.
      When I went back to him before though the feelings of longing were quickly replaced with complete terror. I absolutely terrified but so confused as I had thought that I had made a good decision. I will be forever grateful for this forum as it made me realise I am not alone in this xxxx

    • #41745
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Thanks for this thread ladies – i have been constantly checking my emails with a hope he hasn’t/hope he has messaged. Its a pull between caring what he’s going through (?!), telling myself that I don’t care and trying to believe i dont care. After a long silence he emailed re finances and what bills he had incurred (trying to get sympathy i guess) – my 1st thoughts were “Well if you hadnt done x, y and z to me then you wouldn’t have had to get legal advice or find a new place to live”!!

      But i still feel a pull and have to bite my tongue to not ask the kids how he is. But i find myself waiting for little snippets they may drop in conversation. I have now also started to dream about him – fairly tame so far, i cant remember the one from laat night vut i woke feeling stressed and just bleugh. I dread having dreams about the sexual abuse…

      Its like theres a cancer in my mind which i just want to cut out but i know i need to work alowly to shrink the tumour and destroy it comoletly and that takes time…

    • #41818
      Beenherebefore
      Participant

      Hi ladies, thank you all for your comments on this and words of support and comfort. I have been thinking all weekend about everything you have said and I am feeling much stronger again. Of course, this could all change when I see him this week so I have draw upon key things to remember from all your posts and written them down.
      I’m just relieved to hear I’m not alone in this as sometimes things in my brain can make me feel a bit of an outsider/ crazy and then I think ‘he was right about me after all’ which in turn makes me in the wrong…it’s such a horrible cycle of thinking. It is a real rollercoaster getting through each day at the moment but right now,because of you ladies, I feel like I can keep on strong again. We are strong and brave and can overcome these battles X*x

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