Still can’t accept it’s abuse

[Cheesequeen]

Hi ladies.
Feeling very brave logging in here and reading what everyone is going through. I have only just started my ‘realisation’ journey as it were and your stories have been very educating and inspiring and just wanted to say thank you.
I have been in a long term marriage with my and have always just thought I was over sensitive, it was his mental health etc. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted, I am scared of making a wrong move day in day out.
I have some issues around codependency which I’m just starting to explore and shameful and painful the process is, I feel a little more empowered by the knowledge.
The first time I moved out was in (detail removed by moderator), to my Mums with my 2 kids. I had finally plucked up the strength and I did it but quickly lost my resolve and was won over. I had done something wrong and felt guilty so moved back home to a very angry situation. At this point I was raped. It was not a ‘violent act’ but it was terrifying and I have never felt safe since. I haven’t dealt with the thoughts at all or let myself feel the pain except in little moments. It is very hard to put it back away. Last year the day before he promised he would move out he attempted to hang hi self in our home and was in critical care and unable to work for 4 months after. It was the most horrendous experience of my life and again, I ignored it and just pushed it down. I’m now left an absolute nervous wreck and have tried to leave again since, tried to get him to move out but last week he put his ring back on and it broke my heart. I lost my mind. I feel helpless. I have never really felt like I was in a really abusive relationship, just that he’d done bad things and he was hot headed and hard wprk. But now I’ve realised that I am constantly stressed, tired, walking on eggshells and trying to put a man I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH in a good mood every single day.
The feeling I’m struggling with at the moment is trying to tell myself I don’t have to convince anyone but myself it’s abuse. It’s like I feel he needs to understand it, and that is never going to happen. I haven’t mentioned I feel he’s abusive because I know it will start a tirade I am just not ready for.
Apologies for the huge post. I just need to get some of this out so it’s a reality as at the moment, I feel trapped in my brain with it all. X

[KIP.]

Hi, and well done for posting. I have been where you are and it was women’s Aid who helped me escape. Contact your local branch for support. And to make a safe exit plan. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour so that you can read it back in a moment of clarity and see how controlling his behaviour really is. He does sound very dangerous so please don’t let him know your planning an escape. Or even thinking about it. Women’s aid will help you to realise the dynamics of an abuser and the detrimental effects on your mental health. Abuse always gets worse. Meantime read Living with The Dominator by Pat Craven. Take a step back and write down every incident you can remember and how it made you feel. Also, look at it from an outsider point of view and ask what advice you would give. He is not your responsibility. Fear Obligation and Guilt are how we become trapped. FOG of abuse. Keep posting. I managed to escape after decades, it’s not easy but I didn’t have all my ducks in a row first. You can do that hopefully and have a support network there too. I know the gut wrenching feeling when you think you’re escaping then they just pull the rug from under you, leaving you feeling worse than ever. You can do this. It is your life and you get to decide who is allowed in it x

[Cheesequeen]

Thank you so much for your advice. I have followed it up and I feel like it has armed me even more. I’m already feeling so much clearer. It’s painful to realise I am not loved but it is also very reaffirming to know it’s not all in my head. Really grateful for your response x

[EbonyRaven]

The fact that you said that you had to put him in a good mood is enough to show it’s abuse. Only he is responsible for his mood, and you can’t be made to carry that. Walking on eggshells too, is another red flag.
I’m glad you’ve found the forum, and the excellent support here. Do contact WA (Women’s Aid)too ‘though.
x

[Cheesequeen]

I have been reading for a couple of days and it has totally changed my perspective. I don’t know how long it will last and I’m sure I’ll question it but honestly listening to the stories and advice has helped me sort if break through. I have just emailed them to ask for support with planning how to get out for good. Thanks for your support xx

[Peacethroughhealing]

I don’t live with my partner thankfully so I can escape to a safe place at the moment but he has tried to destroy that also. He was charming and lovely for (only) the first few months of our relationship then little bits of abuse started here and there. He is a recovering alcoholic and is going through a lot of change and taking a lot of medication etc so I put the little bursts of abuse down to all the changes and frustrations he has. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and he did something terrible, (detail removed by moderator) and it was the ultimate control. Ever since then he has been different with me and the bad times are outweighing the good now. It feels like it’s a privilege and his right to treat me this way now. I am also starting to mistrust him and the lies just drip off his tongue like I am stupid and I am an educated woman but I am starting to doubt myself and my own sanity. I have lot going for me in my life and it feels like he wants to destroy that until I have nothing as already my job is suffering and I am just exhausted all the time and I can’t think straight. His parents and his mum in particular are almost normalising things. I am not saying they think it is acceptable but they are saying I must have provoked it in some way to make him react as extremely as he did and these are people that I have been really good friends with and spoke to his mother at length about her son and I have tried to support as much as I can but it is now to my own detriment. I also can’t believe it and can’t accept that it’s abuse so when will that time come? How bad does it have to get before I walk away.

[Cheesequeen]

So much of what you have just said resonates with me Peacethroughhealing. My husbands Mum is the kindest woman in the world who I think a great deal of. But she is also brutally controlled by a (removed by moderator). I think that’s why it took me so long to realise my situation. We would always compare it to his parents and how meek and passive his Mum is where as I am quite feisty and challenging. But these men know their prey and he has taken time to break me down and use my character to his advantage. I now see my feisty side as crazy and volatile and try to shut it away. I would give anything to stop you from subjecting yourself to more of this pain. Try to give yourself some time away from him. You’d be surprised how quickly setting a boundary can work. It throws them off guard completely. Sadly I have never been able to keep the boundaries up as I feel so guilty and responsible now for his wellbeing. Xx

[Rapunzel]

If you have somewhere to go then take your children and go. I don’t have anywhere and I am totally trapped.
I know what you mean about questioning yourself too – I do it all the time – but all I know is that someone you love should not make you feel this way. That’s not love. I hate that it’s so hard for ‘normal’ people (those who have never been in this situation)to understand. Even the policewoman said to me “so why did you let him control your finances?”. Good question – I’m a strong, independent woman (or I used to be) who is good at her job but with him I’m a different person. People can’t understand why I stay. They don’t see that he has controlled the finances, run up loads of credit cards and if I left and stopped paying towards them and the mortgage it is I who would be in trouble. One day I hope women like us will have the law on our side properly and men like him can be removed from our lives immediately.

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