Still doubting myself

[LizSKY]

Not posted for a while, I thought I was finally getting somewhere with realising that I can’t change him and his moods are going to continue no matter what but I am still doubting myself. He’s so lovely at times, I feel like it’s all in my head still, even though I’ve been over and over it again so many times.

I just feel like I’m constantly moving goal posts, this is the last time I let him scream at me, this is the last time he grabs/pushes me/pins me up against the wall and now his new thing is locking me out and shouting at me out the window because he says he doesn’t care about what others think and he knows how ashamed I am so have to beg him to let me back in.

Will it take something really bad to happen for it to hit me that this is not going to change? Does it just eventually click? Any advice about what was the final straw for you? Thanks for your help xx

[she-ra]

Hi Lizsky,

I could have written that too. I too know in my heart he will never change, no matter what it will only get worse. I keep thinking no more, I don’t deserve this, and like you I keep thinking what is it going to take to get me to just walk out the door and never look back? He spat on me a little while ago and of all the horrendous things he’s done to me that seems worse, like I’m nothing and yet I’m still here. Some other posters have spoken
about rationalising and normalising his behaviour which is exactly what I do, it is so our norm that I just don’t seem to even notice anymore, it’s just the way it is. Do you think maybe you’ve normalised it too? I’m so sorry you’re suffering and I’m sorry I’m not any help but I do resonate with everything you says and you are not alone. Big hugs x*x

[LizSKY]

I can completely relate to that She-ra, so sorry that you are in the same situation. So many times I’ve said this is the last time and I’m still here.

He’s just screamed at me (detail removed by moderator). This is normal! I’m used to him calling me a pathetic d**khead as just his usual everyday greeting or pushing me over ‘in a jokey way’. It’s all normal to me now. I haven’t known any different as he was my first proper relationship.

I just never think it’s bad enough.

Xx

[she-ra]

Exactly the same my lovely, everything is my fault, I’m just a fat useless lazy c**t day after day after day. Been this way since teenagers, the same as you first relationship. I look back and think Why on earth didn’t I see the red flags all those years ago. Just became the norm, or what I deserve as he says x

[LizSKY]

Ahh those red flags, yup completely missed those too. You’d think cheating on me when when I was pregnant with my first and then turning it all around on me would have been an indicator but I’m still forgiving him.

Yeah I get that too, ‘its what I deserve’.

I normally try to let it go over my head but tonight I’ve let it get to me. Sorry Xx

[she-ra]

Don’t apologise lovely, I try to rise above it and let it go over my head too but like you some days it gets the better of me. When I do try to ignore and rise above it I just get told I’m so self absorbed, selfish and up my own arse. We will never win with them, they’re not wired right. How awful for you to go through that when you were pregnant big hugs xx

[Itwastimetostopit]

Desensitised I got called.

It’s like rollercoaster when it’s good just feel like waiting for him to go bad. Then waiting that out for good.

[LizSKY]

Yes it’s all a waiting game, from good to bad. Now the gaps between each mood are shorter. After posting on here earlier about what would be the final straw and will it click. I feel like tonight it’s finally hit me.

My eldest just had an accident this evening (he’s ok now). My partner came running in screaming about what had happened in front of him. Screaming at me because I’d shouldn’t have let it happen. He is blaming me for absolutely everything and was screaming and swearing all over the place. I was trying to check he was ok and my partner was telling me to go away. Honestly in bits now, I just want to wake them up and leave while he’s sleeping.

I’m sorry to put this on here. I’m so upset now, my kids deserve so much better than this.

[banks]

LizSKY,

It is so heartbreaking to read this, and you should be gentle towards yourself. Not only your kids, but you, too deserve better than this. I know it is hard to accept they will never change. It is, because we love them, and we have big hearts, and believe in ‘for better and for worse’ but in some cases, there will never be better. If I can recommend you a book, please have a look at (detail removed by moderator) It helped me so much. I am not there yet, but it helps to read that actually, their brains are similar to let’s say people with learning difficulties. You cannot expect a person with learning difficulty to change, so why we expect them to change? I know, much of that is hope, because we love them so much. But it is not your fault, and you have much of your life ahead, for it to be beautiful for you and your children. Please hang in there and reach out whenever you need,

Banks x

[JaneEyre]

Same story here 🙁
I have had no contact for 10 days, after finally mustering the courage walking into the police station and reporting him for ‘fake punching’ me.

Then last night he repeatedly rang our teenage son until he begged me to speak to his dad as he didn’t know what to do to get him to stop ringing.

I knew immediately I shouldn’t have taken the call as from what everyone has told me no contact is the only way to get men like these to stop.

The problem is they are so convincing and even though I’m 100% sure I don’t want him back just hearing his voice gets to me. The ‘please’ darling don’t throw it all away.

I’m getting help. I will get better and make everything up to you, just give me a chance to prove it to you.

I got advised to look up Trauma bonding and the first thing I did after putting the phone down was read the article ‘5 signs you are in a trauma bond relationship’ over and over again.

It’s so much easier to tell myself he will change and we can be a family again, than it seems to go this alone.

But I CANT take him back. Because I KNOW he will NEVER change, and you don do the things he has done to me if you truly love someone.

So I am going to be strong, have no contact, and keep him out of my life for good this time.

I don’t deserve it.
My kids don’t deserve it.
And neither do any of you lovely ladies.

We have just become so normalised to it we don’t even see it as that bad anymore. But it IS!!!

Wishing you all the strength in the world. People who haven’t been through it will never understand, so keep posting on here and listen to those that do.

It’s helping me massively to see him fur what he really is.

They are the ones that need help. They are sick, insecure, pathetic men who need help.

I’m taking my life back, hour by hour, day by day. It hurts like hell but one day I know it will be worth it.

Stay strong ladies.
You CAN do this xx

[she-ra]

Oh ladies, talking to you all is really helping to ‘reconnect’. I just read that article about trauma bonding and cried. It is so my life it’s untrue. All of it is just so mirror image of what we all go through, it’s shocking. LizSky I completely understand about the accident and the reaction. My eldest broke his arm a good few years ago now on a bouncy castle and of course it was my fault, it gets dragged up all the time about what a terrible mother I am and I can’t keep them safe and I broke his arm etc. How are you feeling this morning? The gaps are definitely getting so much smaller it feels like it’s every minute of every hour of every day at the moment. I keep looking at the door and wondering when will I be strong enough to just walk out of it and never ever come back. I spent most of last night reading about FOG, trauma bonding, cycle of abuse and power and control wheel. Wow! It is all there in black and white, exactly what they do to us. I really feel like now I need to talk to someone about it all, someone professional. The more I read the more all of the incidents keep popping into my head, stupid little things that had never occurred to me before, it’s shocking and it’s making my head hurt 🙁 But it’s also really helping me realise that there is no way things will change ever.

JaneEyre well done my lovely, I am reading your posts and really willing you forward and praying you stay strong and keep safe, you’re an inspiration and are doing so well you should be so proud of yourself. Could your son just have switched his phone off or change his number or block him? Are you still in your family home? Don’t go back hun, just keep thibking of all the positive things to come. For me it would be Christmas and how he can’t ruin it this year like every year, being able to watch the TV downstairs (We pretty much live upstairs to keep away from him), not holding my breath when I hear his footsteps on the stairs and praying that he’s not coming for me, not dashing in and out of the shower super fast while he’s asleep so he can’t see me, not being moaned at for every little thing and everything I do being wrong. The list in endless. Keep strong hun, you’re fabulous x*x

[LizSKY]

Banks, thanks for the book recommendation I will definitely have a look at that. I’m glad it has helped you and I hope that you are doing ok. Everytime I give him the chance to change and sometimes he does, for a short while or will express his anger in another way but I feel so worn down now that I can’t stand up for myself like I used to and I just give in to everything.

JaneEyre well done lovely, so glad that you were able to go to the police. I wish you all the strength in the world too, you have been amazingly strong to not take him back (they are so convincing). I was so upset the other night, like I saw that it had gone to far. I actually called my local WA and was so close to going to the police about everything but I still can’t do it. I asked him to leave and he said he would have to sleep rough because he has no where else to go and now I feel guilty.

She-ra I’d never read about trauma bonding until mentioned on this post. I’ve just cried too.
I know what you mean, the amount of things I’ve brushed off and are now normal. Yes, they sound so similar that’s exactly how my partner reacts with everything. Why have I let it happen? Then the next day he’s so sorry, he was just in a panic. I am not sure where to go from here now. I can see things are getting more frequent and the shouting/name calling is constant. Do you think that you will be able to speak to someone? Stay strong and take care x

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