Still doubting what I know

[Anonymous]

I was in a “situationship” with a friend for some time, he was the most wonderful caring person in the world, he made me feel incredible about myself, said all of the right things, and was always there for me when I needed him. I quickly felt that I was under his “spell” and felt that I relied on him to get through my bad days. I noticed a “hot and cold” pattern to our interactions, but I brushed it aside, putting it down to my anxiety seeing things that weren’t actually there. I would over think and worry, thinking I had annoyed hum during these “cold” phases, but would feel such relief when it turned out things were ok. When we were intimate, he would instantly say that it would never happen again because of some lame excuse that he came up with, then he would go quiet on me for a number of days, (detail removed by moderator) he would start things up again, he would be nice again, pay me attention, be affectionate, then once again we would sleep together, and of course he would end it again, this must have happened (detail removed by moderator) or more times. I found that I couldn’t say no, I wanted to, but it seemed impossible for me to walk away, and I don’t know why. I started noticing that he would put me down a lot, but it was done is such a light hearted jokey manner, that I thought I was just being too sensitive. If I ever tried to talk about anything that he had said, or anything about us that was concerning me, he would say (detail removed by moderator) and I would end up apologising, and achieving nothing, eventually I didn’t bother brining things up, because I knew it would annoy him.

I was doing things that I would never usually do, he made me feel confident and like I could do absolutely anything, I was enjoying it, but at the same time I didn’t want to do these things that I was doing. I mean I did want to do them, but I think it was more to please him, and I enjoyed pleasing him.

I became depressed, I was absolutely exhausted, I looked haggard, I didn’t feel or look like me anymore, and he was the only thing that could make me feel good again, so in my head he couldn’t be the cause. He told me not to hurt myself and would check that I hadn’t, he would make sure I was eating, gave me advice on sleeping better, but I think the whole time, he was the reason for all of these things.

I hate him, I opened up to him and he knows so much about me, and it was all fake, he never cared. I feel dirty, and used. I try to end things, but then he reverts back to being lovely, and I feel amazing again. I so badly want it to end, but I can’t break away. I doubt myself, even with knowing all the things I know, and how bad it’s made me feel, I feel like I have betrayed him by even thinking that he could be capable of these things, he helped me so much, and I repay him by thinking he is this bad person? That must mean I am the bad person. I have a constant battle going on in my head of, “is it abuse or is he an amazing friend?” I want to walk away, but I am so lonely, I still feel like I need him.

[Empoweredhealing]

He’s a dangerous psychological and emotional abuser. People like this are the most dangerous people you could ever meet or be in a close relationship with.

Start noticing how you are feeling. Your mind may not know it’s abuse but your body and spirit does. That’s why you are desperately unhappy and feel like a shell of your former self. The confusion you are feeling is due to emotional abuse. It’s destabilizing due to severe cognitive dissonance.

Please start reading about emotional abuse. You’ll have to know what you are dealing with to build the strength to leave this man. Honestly, reading your story gave me chills. He’s a psychological manipulator. What’s he’s doing is evil. Don’t just walk away, run!

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot to me having someone else confirm that what I am feeling is real and not just my mind playing tricks on me.

I have been reading a book about manipulation and it amazes me how it is almost as though he has read the same book and is playing the games from it! But even so I keep going back to him, every time he says jump, I jump.

Now I need to be strong and walk\run away from the situation, and to actually stay away!

Thanks again x

[Survivor2021]

I’ve written a post this morning about my experience and can relate completely to how you’re feeling. I would brush my own needs and feelings aside to please him and when he was going through a cold phase I literally felt the dopamine when he came back. I’ve been discarded now and all I can say is like you, I felt the whole time this was wrong and made me feel awful. The stress took a physical toll, I feel like I’ve aged 10 years. Ask yourself if this is how love should make you feel? Is this what you want for yourself. Recognise that you need and deserve more.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your kind reply, I’m annoyed with myself for allowing him to keep reeling me back in, but it felt like an addiction, I needed him to be able to feel happiness. I’m hoping that I can actually break free from him and get back to being me again.

I’m sorry that you have been going through a bad experience yourself, you seem as though you’re strong, I hope that you find happiness soon. x

[Survivor2021]

Do not blame yourself, the push pull creates an addiction as we become used to the lows followed by the highs. You’ve got this, imagine yourself happy and what that looks like. You may say it’s with him when he’s love bombing you, but you will always have the knowledge of how cold he can truly be. It’s easy to give the advice and not as easy to take it, I know full well. I’ve tried to imagine if my situation happened to my daughter what I would say. It’s been a useful exercise but I’m trying to work on it every day. Yes I will miss the good bits, but I don’t miss the control and manipulation and that counts for more xx

[Anonymous]

Yeah you’re right, i have to keep reminding myself of how awful it can be. I miss him right now, and I’m having to fight the urge to message him. I’m taking it moment by moment. 🙂

[Author]

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