Still feel controlled

[Aquawoman]

Been away from my abusive ex husband for over (detail removed by moderator). We have children together but his contact with them hasn’t been consistent he used to take them alternate weekends then moved closer and took them more until he decided he couldn’t cause he had to see me. There was no contact for (detail removed by moderator) but now he’s back using my eldest son to communicate and making contact last minute about taking them. I feel like this is a way to control me and generally make my life more difficult. I can’t make plans in advance and end up having to change childcare arrangements cause he wants to take them. I appreciate I could say no but it saves me money on childcare and would give me a small break. My solicitor has written to him but he responded to me and basically told me to p**s off. I still feel like I’m trapped walking on egg shells to keep him happy yet I’m raising our children on my own. Feel like my life can’t move forward. Not really sure there’s anything anyone can do but I just needed a rant.

[Mellow]

This was my worry when we split that he would use kids for control for your own sanity use a childminder and show him you don’t need him I’ve just split up with my ex my daughter is not ready for nursery but I’m preparing myself I’ve been looking for jobs to fit school hours looked up breakfast clubs and started putting them in ready because I won’t let him use me like that we can do it without them .tell him if things don’t change you will need a court order for access as it’s all not working but tell your solicitor to do this.don’t do it directly or better still just start court proceedings I hope it gets better but he’s an abuser he wants you to be miserable that’s what they do when he sees your getting on he can’t do anything

[Aquawoman]

Thanks, he doesn’t pay any maintenance money and anything he’d have to pay would be very minimal so it’s actually financially better for me for him to take them. Also I need the break love my kids but it’s hard they’re both waiting assessment for additional needs.

[Eggshells]

Hi my lovely. Can you enquire about respite care. There are places that provide this for single parents. I don’t mean sending them away or overnight stays, I’m thinking of day centers.

If you Google it, there are some useful Mum’s net discussions. You could also try the Gingerbread forum.

It is not good for them or you to have any exposure with your abuser but this random, trigger happy response will cause a lot of confusion for them.

He knows how hard it is for you and he’s taking advantage of that vulnerability. You can still get some me time but it has to be on the alternate weekends that you agreed. If he really cares about them then he will provide that stability and consistency for them. If he doesn’t really care then your children will be better off with being cared for by someone who does care – even if they are strangers.

[RedStrawberry]

Mines still using the kids to control so I know exactly how you feel. He’ll bring them back later than arranged or an hour early with no warning. It’s so frustrating that he’s still playing games.

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