Still here

[Chocolatebunnie]

It’s been emotional so I’m sorry if this is a rambling, just needed to offload.

Finally begun family therapy, through EWMHS, kids say our marriage is the main problem due to arguing.

It’s also the kids relationship with their father that’s the problem. Therapist asked him what he does with the kids, he said (detail removed by moderator). He doesn’t take them anywhere on his terms yes, but they long for quality time with him and don’t get it.

I wonder if anyone minds telling their experience of this kind of therapy? Will the therapist be looking for abuse? Or will they recognise it? Have we been referred for this reason?

Husband was reported to social services a few times for emotional abuse to one of kids by their school. Also kids been under EWMHS for long time and therapists have been told about the reports to SS and one took me aside and suggested husband went for anger management.

Uneasy about therapy as it may upset things more than help. Things have been better for a good few months, happy even. Until last few weeks, as stress returns to my husband’s world he is now back to his ups and downs. He is grieving so I feel I should let things go but then I’m fed up with being a emotional punchbag rather than a support. My kids mentioned this backwards step too. I was out and my youngest got upset, my husband didn’t comfort the youngest child, but got angry and so older child comforted them instead. My child told me they had to comfort their younger sibling and that dad responded badly. It reminded them of similar experiences which were unpleasant and they said they don’t want to see this repeat itself. Things settle and are ok for sometimes days or weeks even months, and I hope things remain that way and do for sometime and then out of the blue we are back where we started. I never know how to deal with this as leaving seems wrong when things might get better but staying seems wrong when things happen all over again.

On another occasion prior to this he questioned me on how he does a particular thing and implied he never does said thing, to which I replied he does because he does! He was either trying to gaslight me (as he seemed to deny) or he is just not remembering idk but something is done regularly when he’s angry so a strange one? The conversation was uncomfortable not due to topic so much as his stance during the conversation. It was like he was challenging me to see if I would back down.

My husband can be happy, somewhat affectionate but more so when he’s after something. And has a sparkle, but then he has a darkness in his eyes that appears at time and we all know he’s not happy, depressed and can get agitated with us. I don’t like to say angry as he’s not shouting, swearing, or violent.

 

[Soulsearcher18]

Chocolatebunnie, I am sure that I have connected with you on here before and I am sure that the topic that I responded to was concerning, in terms of abuse, but I have to be honest and say that I have spoken with, responded to quite a few posts, i think this was some time ago so I can’t remember I am sorry.

To be quite honest, I am having doubts right now about whether I am in a good place to offer support, respond etc but I am hoping that is just old feelings rearing their head.

Anyway, I am going to answer honestly to your post and I truly hope that it doesn’t cause offence, or stop you from continuing to reach out. After all, it is just my thoughts on the matter- others will respond I am sure and you are free to ignore this, or respond to me.

Basically, my thoughts on reading your post is that if local authorities are involved, then it is time to start seeking some domestic abuse support from Women’s Aid or your local service if you haven’t already and to get some professional advice and support. There is a whole lot of education and support that you need that local authority may not give you, as their priority is the children, limited resources etc. Something like the Freedom Programme would be good but unfortunately I don’t think courses are running because of Covid, ideally if you could access a local DA worker to go through this with you maybe. There is a book by Pat Craven, Living with The Dominator- that is what the Freedom course is based on.

What does EWMHS- is this like CAMHS counselling?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi soulsearcher thanks for replying.

I’ve posted quite regularly for sometime now, so we may have connected before.

I hope you are ok when you mention old feelings x

Social services have not been interested in my family so far. The children are not at risk so to speak.

The family therapy is through CAMHS/EWMHS new name, same service. The therapist seemed more interested in my husband than me.

I have the books and registered for the online course too. Some days I read things and it fits and other times the books don’t connect with me, if that makes sense. I would like to do the course face to face even if it’s to help with my upbringing and previous relationship experience, once Covid settles down. Was involved with local support domestic abuse services however the lady stopped texting back wasn’t reliable. I think she may have left. And not heard from the service for a long while. I was even on the list for counselling but not heard, last heard they’d lost their counsellor. I haven’t got back in touch as I thought maybe I wasn’t bad enough or maybe it’s not abuse but That Im in a unhealthy relationship maybe I’m making too much out of things? As sometimes things improve. If he was violent then that would be easier as it would be clear to see. I’m still not entirely sure what to think. Idk as I say it’s been emotional and I’ve buried these thoughts with being in lockdown and wanting things to work out for us.

[Eggshells]

Hi Chocolatebunnie, if your child’s school have noticed emotional abuse then I would take that as a key pointer. More often than not, outsiders don’t notice emotional abuse so if someone has, then I would say it’s fairly clear cut that it is abuse.

The gaps in abuse are part of the abuse cycle and they can be quite sustained. My ex could be on his best behaviour for months but looking back so was I. By that, I mean that I was doing everything as he wanted me to so there was no need for him to be abusive.

It can, unfortunately, have a profound effect on the children. I stayed with my ex throughout their childhood, mainly because I didn’t understand that I was being abused. Once I finally did realise it was abuse, I waited for my sons to reach adulthood, then left. I had no idea at that point what an impact it had had on my children until my eldest phoned me one night to say that he was going to end it all. He had also come to the realisation that he had been a victim of his father’s emotional abuse and his whole life felt like a lie. Everything he had done with his life so far had been done to keep his father happy.

Fortunately, my eldest is much better now but I’m still beating myself up for not having left earlier. By staying, I exposed my children to my ex’s abusive behaviour and it has damaged them.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi eggshells and thanks for explaining things for me.

I’m sorry to hear your experience and impact on your children.

I worry about this too. I can’t convince myself that I’m doing the right thing by leaving as I worry about the separation. I worry about their safety if he is to have them without me at weekends so I stay to protect them it’s a double edged sword.

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