Still here

[Confused-and-alone]

So I tried and failed to leave a few months ago – he promised to change (obviously that lasted about a week) then everything went back to normal. I’m planning to leave again but with Xmas coming up I can’t go just yet – my eldest child is of an age where I feel that if it all kicks off over Xmas it could ruin Xmas for her forever – I know he won’t behave well once I really do go. The trouble is he knows that somethings up – he’s started some pretty serious love bombing. I’m being expected to have sex at least once a day – if I refuse theres a massive argument and he accuses me of cheating (this is complicated by the fact that after the last time I tried to leave I did have a brief affair with someone who I became very close to) so I cant say no I just have to let him have sex all the time. We have a night out with friends coming up and he didn’t like the dress I picked so picked me a really expensive one and expensive new underwear to wear with it – he’s told our friends all about this expensive dress he’s got me (technically it’s our money not his anyway) and about the underwear and how he’s going to have sex with me in this dress. He’s said to me that he wants to have sex in the pub toilets while we’re out and that he wants it when we get home from the night out – despite the fact that we have house guests staying. I need to make it through Xmas for the kids but I’m really struggling with the sex – I’m just going along to keep him happy and to stop him guessing that I’m going to leave once Xmas is over but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by it all.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi confused and so alone. Know you are not alone in how you feel in regards to the sex thing. Letting people know what he’s planning to do with you is horrendous. All our friends in the beginning of our relationship used to joke about how often we disappeared. I wouldn’t think of doing it now. Give yourself a huge hug, you’re doing so well in such a horrible horrible situation. Aye you’re definately his personal plaything. Look at how ive dressed her, look at how I cant treat her. My anger and frustration at not bring there to hear him say this to you in front of your’ friends’ is rising. How b****y dare not one of them stand up and tell him he’s out of order. Have any of them spoke to you privately, or are they avoiding eye contact. I’ve spoken out verbally to a person regarding how he was speaking to his partner on a few occasions and always in company, so people heard me. Thankfully she’s no longer with him. I’ve told my oh his behaviour and language to me and other females is sexist and out of order. He witnessed my outbursts to that man, so he knew from an early time in our relationship what my feelings are to abusive men, yet he has managed to treat me the same way, and that was with me shouting my disapproval over and over again. I guess I should have done something instead of saying! Hindsight is a wonderful thing😏. Going through with it is okay sweetheart, as women, we do what we do to survive. You are in survival mode constantly with this pig. But your head will start to revolt before your body does. There was a thread on here a while back, (if anyone can remember and guide this beautiful lady to it)it was about why our bodies react to them when we are screaming inside, almost panicking, don’t fir one minute think you’re accepting his behaviour and approving it. It’s another form of them disassociating from how they treat you, by convincing themselves their behaviour cant be that bad or else you wouldn’t have sex with them. They are egotistical, misogynistic bas…ds.
Try and take some control of the situation, if you can, he can’t have sex before you go out, you don’t want to mess up your new underwear, he can have sex when you get home, but not in the toilets, it’s a no go and stick to it. His behaviour when you put your foot down is HIS responsibility. You have house guests, he won’t make a scene, he won’t want witnesses. He may threaten and intimidate, but they will be around, to hear YOU. 💜💜 dont be afraid to scream your head off if needs be. Don’t please don’t think about others, think of yourself, think of the strong,beautiful , independent woman who is still inside you, others see her, see her there yourself, allow her to shine brightly again, dazzle him with your light. Blind him,smite him down.
Sorry was getting a bit fierce there, just know we are here behind you, talk to us, read others posts. It will give you the strength you need. You’ll know when its time. I’m an organiser, i have gotten the facts. I’ve spoken to my Dr, WA, their solicitor, cab,job centre,. I’m clearing out clutter, freeing up my living space so my head gets space. The more information you get, the stronger you will feel. I promise you this.

Take care my warrior princess
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

He knows you don’t want sex. He’s coercing and using threats. That’s rape. It happened to me and it destroys our mental health. No you do not have to go through with it. You can say no. Just because you were unfaithful doesn’t mean he can use this to force you to have sex. It’s your body. You decide. You have a choice. It’s not a nice word but it’s rape. Ring the rape Crisis helpline. If you were to record this behaviour and play it to the police it would be very serious for him. Sex must be give with free will without fear of the consequences.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi KIP, it’s still so difficult to accept he’s raping us, when it’s not what we’ve been brainwashed into believing rape is, isn’t it. My mind is screaming rape, my body doesn’t. I had a discussion with 3 older people, late 70’s. One lady was a listener, the other lady just couldn’t accept that we are raped in our marriages. The only one who accepted it was rape was the man. No means no, even if your husband hasn’t had it for months, coercing you, guilt tripping you, is making you do it against your will. Doing it to shut him up, doing it to stop an atmosphere. That is rape. The old lady thought it was all about give and take, making compromises. Aye in a normal relationship maybe so. In an abusive one saying no, is disrespecting his rights as a husband. He has needs, it’s your duty to give in to him. See trying to explain to her, that that was still rape too. She kept going on about it being a loving marriage so how can it be rape. Because when one person says no, i dont want to but feels they have to, that is legally classed as rape. All she could do was shake her head. I still dont think she got it at all😔😔
💕💕
IWMB

[Lisa]

Hi Confused and alone,

I just wanted to show you some support. Your situation sounds very stressful and upsetting. Please do phone the helpline. Your perpetrator sounds very controlling and it is horrible to be told when you are going to be having sex, what you are going to be wearing and where you are going to be having it. There is nothing romantic or loving about that. Having to have sex on demand when you don’t want to but you feel you have to do so to keep the peace is sexual abuse.

You and your children deserve a life free from abuse and I hope the helpline can help you to consider your options. Staying for Christmas will not make you and your children happy, he is bound to sabotage it so please try to find out what your options are. I feel sure that you and your little ones would be happy anywhere that he isn’t and that would be the happiest and most peaceful Christmas of all where you don’t have to walk on egg shells. Please don’t let him know you are considering leaving or changing the situation as his abuse could escalate.

You are doing brilliantly. Please phone the helpline and let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[KIP.]

Yes it’s very difficult when we are right in the middle of the fog. When I look back now I see a man who was willing to engage in sexual activity with someone who clearly did not want to. It frightening to think they can get satisfaction from that. I would never want to have sex with someone who does not want to have sex with me. After my ex was arrested I could not say the word rape for several months. It just wouldn’t come out. I was literally struck dumb and this is the result of long term sexual abuse. I think it’s important to speak to someone. It truly shows how little these men actually care about our well being x

[Iwantmeback]

I get what you’re saying @KIP . I’m just able to type the word (recently)but haven’t been able to say the word describing his sexual abuse . I can say that, just not the R word. I know for a fact he doesnt think its rape, but then he doesnt think his behaviour is wrong in anyway. The problems in our relationship is caused by both of us. Really that’s news to me, as its always been it’s your fault, or if you did xyz, i wouldn’t do what I do.

I have come to the stage where I’m tired of it all now, I will be leaving, not sure when, but i dont need this.
I met a friend I haven’t seen in a while, she knows a bit of my situation, been in a few relationships similar too. And she said, I know loads of nice guys, who would love to be seen with you, who would treat you with respect. Not now of course, when you’re ready. Don’t let him hurt you anymore.
I honestly don’t want to be with another man romantically or sexually ever again. The thought of having sex with someone else who isn’t my husband scares the sh.t out of me, but I don’t want him touching me either. I believe this is my time now, find me, reconnect with my children and get to know my grandson.

IWMB 💕💕

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Confused-and-alone, I hope you are doing ok. What an awful situation to be in. I do understand the placating so you can get out without him realising. Be safe and all the best xx

[Confused-and-alone]

Well we had the night out – he was blind drunk and started an argument with me in front of everyone in the middle of a packed pub. I was so embarrassed – when it calmed down later (I just did exactly as I was told and didn’t leave his side again for the rest of the night) one or two people asked me privately if I was OK and a friend who knows everything told me everyone was talking about the appalling way he treated me. Thankfully got out of sex while we were out – did it before we left then again the morning after – today he’s acting like everything is fine and normal – I think he possibly doesn’t realise that he did what he did in front of everyone – he remembers we argued but not that he did it in front of our friends. I’m just so mortified that everyone saw it – I really don’t want everyone’s pity!

[KIP.]

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. The embarrassment is all his and while you carry it for him, he’s not going to. He remembers absolutely everything he did. This is his way of punishing you for what he perceives is your fault. Its only going to get worse. Keep working on your exit plan. I’ve been where you are. You’re trapped in your own mind. There is a lovely, safe, abuse free life out there. Go grab it x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, the genie is out of the bottle now. People saw him last night, people will be keeping an eye on you now, they might not let on, but they will. I’m glad some came up and asked if you were okay.🤗 you have nothing to be embarrassed about, the Shame is HIS alone. They rely on our embarrassment, on us keeping quiet. He’s deliberately playing down how he treated you so you won’t question if it was that bad, BUT you have a pub full of people to clarify how bad it was😉 have you spoken to anyone at WA yet. They are amazing and only go at your speed. No-one will push you into anything you’re not ready to do. Have you ever journalled his behaviour? Last night it’s a perfect place to start. I have numerous ones. I have one for when he says and does things now, I also have one for when I remember past issues. I have one to write down positive moments, I have an e-one too. I have one when someone’s post triggers a similar instance when he did something to me years ago. You’ll find your way through this my love. I promise you. By posting on here, by reading others posts, you’ll gain strength and knowledge, and knowledge is power as they say😃 we are with you every step of the way, we can advise on who to speak to, WA have their own solicitors who specialise in DA. Your doctor is an excellent ally, their documentation of how you are are,how you’ve changed, facts that can be used in divorce or for getting non molestation orders.
Baby steps, this isn’t a relationship you can just leave, we are tied inexplicably to them, it all needs to be untangled, that’s where WA solicitor comes in, as they’re not living with him, they’e not emotionally tied.
I’m glad your night out is over. Keep posting, sending strength to you. 😃

IWMB 💕💕

[Confused-and-alone]

Well I’ve just been informed I’m in for another night of ‘fun’ later – I really want to make Xmas ok for the kids but I am struggling with still having to be nice to him – part of me wants a fight so I can just say I’ve had enough and leave but part of me is so afraid of him that I know in the heat of the moment I’ll do pretty much anything to make him be calm down.

[Iwantmeback]

That’s the really difficult part, being nice to them. When inside you’re screaming. I’m very good at acting as if im enjoying it. A hand placed here, there, a moan every now and again. Doggy is good, you dont need to kiss, and if you’ve long hair you can put your fingers in your ears and shut your eyes tight. I find it is the quickest position if you ken what I mean 😂😂
I’m finding I’m being more and more sarcastic to him when sex is mentioned. ‘Fun, is that what you call it. Use any and every excuse you can think of. I had a urine infection that gave me 3wk reprieve. Start limping, making it look difficult getting up from sitting, and sitting down, ‘doctor’s’ appointment, her advice is rest as you’ve trapped a nerve in your lower back probably from lifting something heavy(are any of your children young enough to have been the ’cause’)say you’ve moved heavy furniture. sex is off the table. you won’t recover quickly enough if you have sex. Use something that’ll make you go to the toilet often, you’ve picked up a bug, go off your food. We do what we do to survive.
Good luck, sending strength and love to you.
IWMB 💕💕
Only do any of this if you feel safe enough to do so. I know I’ll have to have the Christmas day sex, since we’re not doing presents. I can just hear him, at least we have each other. I want to🤮

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