Still in the relationship; how do I help myself?

[WhichWayIsUp]

I haven’t been around for a while but I do very much appreciate any help you can give me.

I’ve been looking for articles on building my self esteem, but they all follow the same pattern: “congrats, you left an abuser, you’re taking back control of your life – here’s how to move on”.

But is there anything I can do for myself while I’m still here? These articles are just depressing me even more; the message seems to be a very clear “well if you insist on staying, you can’t possibly feel better about yourself.”

Has anyone managed to find anything that’s helpful? I want to try and keep myself afloat by trying to fight esteem-erosion with esteem-building.

Many thanks,

WWIU
x

[KIP.]

Those article are right for very good reasons that you can’t understand because you’re traumatised by abuse however if I was to offer advice it would be to cut him out your life. To start clubs and meet friends and build a completely separate life away from him. Get out the house physically at every opportunity. Even though returning will be dangerous and your anxiety will be off the scale because he won’t like this. Talk about your abuse to therapists, friends, family. Don’t live in denial. All this behaviour will help your self esteem but will also get you abused even more because its breaking away from the control your abuser needs so he will be more abusive and tighten his grip and this is dangerous for you. Get some therapy to get to the bottom of why you continue to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy and destroys your self esteem. By staying with him you’re self destructive. So it’s hard to build self esteem when your own actions are counter productive.

[KIP.]

Get a hobby you enjoy that gives you pleasure (he will try to ruin it) but that sense of self worth and happiness may give you strength. To dominate someone you destroy their confidence and that’s what he’s doing.

[Author]

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