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God I really don’t know how to handle things at the moment.
He was being very nice, amicable, not ringing all the time etc.
(detail removed by moderator) he said he’d ring at a certain time and I was sat outside with my parents and didn’t hear the phone call. I then heard the phone half hour later and saw a load of missed calls then received a mouthful as to why hadn’t I answered, he wanted to talk to kids and i’d specified an exact time (I hadn’t, I gave a half hour range and it was 10 mins outside this). The kids had had the phone in the house with them but they hadn’t answered it. This has obviously wound him up and he then started questioning me about my moving out and timings. (detail removed by moderator) saying I am full of lies etc.
Pretty much every single phone call includes him asking if I’ve got someone else. I’ve even sworn on the kids lives that there isn’t and that I escaped when I could purely as I couldn’t take it anymore and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He just cannot see it was that bad. One minute he’ll accept blame and the next he’s in denial and i’m exaggerating.
The kids are now being dragged into it too. (detail removed by moderator) one of them wouldn’t talk to him after hearing him give me a gob full so he says he’s now going to tell them both (detail removed by moderator) that he wants them and me back as he loves us all but it’s down to me! I said to him that it is unfair as I’ve only explained it to them that we split because of the arguments, I haven’t gone into everything else – controlling behaviour, checking up on me, etc, etc, as a) they wouldn’t understand and b) I am not going to start sl*gging their dad off to them, they can make their own minds up. so this is completely unfair as it puts it all on me and that none of it is down to him at all.
He sent my child a message (detail removed by moderator) saying if they didn’t speak to him that he’d take their phone off them 🙁 talk about emotional blackmail.
But of course daddy of the year is (detail removed by moderator)
He’s also wanting them (detail removed by moderator) as I told him I was out and they were staying at a friends house. daughter doesn’t want to go and had a meltdown to the point i’m thinking of not going now. She said she wants to settle in our new house (only been there (detail removed by moderator)) so I feel its unfair to leave her now.
The anxiety that had gone is back with a vengeance. I know you’ll probably say go no contact and go for a child arrangement order. Is that really the case. I just cant see how I can go no contact. I do want them to have a relationship with him.
He’s adamant he’s a different person now he’s clean and sober but I just don’t trust it. He goes round and round in circles with the same conversations just as he did before. I can’t see what was him and what was the substances/alcohol. I just don’t know what to think.
or what to do next 🙁
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I think deep down you know what to do. Get a contact order in place and save yourself a lot of misery. He’s not interested in the welfare of the children and will use them to hurt you. This is a taste of what’s to come and it will get much worse. I think you all need routine. You won’t get that with him, he will just change to goal posts.
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Hi there GMLB,
While I do not have children, I just wanted to show you some support. It’s good to read you are still out but I am sorry to hear his abuse still continues. Just as you write, I thought that might happen as alcohol is rarely the cause, merely a symptom. It’s good you can see this now, you know it’s just the same when he is sober. Hold onto that. Your gut is telling you, you can’t trust him – so don’t.
It’s sounding like you are trying to set this up fairly and if you were dealing with a normal man, that would probably work. But he’s abusive, whatever you offer won’t be enough. I’ve seen from other posts on here that solicitor’s sometimes offer a free 30 minute consultation, if you don’t already have a solicitor, I would contact a few for some advice. It’s no wonder you struggle with the thought of no contact as you are a kind, caring mother who doesn’t want her children to go without their dad. But he is never going to give you the same courtesy. Other women on here might be able to give better more concrete advice but I just wanted to let you know that it’s okay to put your foot down for yours and your children’s sake. -
Thank you for your replies.
How did it get to this 😪
Spoke (detail removed by moderator) when he brought kids back. Could feel the chip on the shoulder and the voice that you know means he’s got one on him.
He still says that despite us being together over many years and having 2 kids together it was his house and I’m entitled to nothing. He reckons hrs arranging to remove my name off the mortgage. Not sure how he’s going to manage that one, he must think I’m stupid. 🙄
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It’s more threats and ways to try to hurt u, they enjoy it.
remove ties with him as much as you can.
Calls and face to face chats are bad as no evidence if he gets nasty etc.
Having an order sets rules, limits how much they can mess you about and get away with it etc. Takes the emotion out and makes it legal. -
I did this – I didn’t want an order or to cut contact – ie going third party contact by text. I went round and round in circles. his abuse got worse it escalated infront off the kids. its like in an abusive relationship at home but worse. you could prolong this but I promise this will get worse. I let it get to the point my daughter was becoming damaged. The only way to make this stop and his behaviour to be curbed is legally and through the channels above xxxx I learned the hard way xx
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