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Hi everyone
I’ve written once before now I have finally realised my ex is emotionally abusive. I told him it is over. But I can’t get out. We are joint tenants with equal rights to the home. He won’t leave and I can’t afford to.
I’m finding it difficult to stay strong let alone positive that things will get better. He uses our daughter against me. Paints me as a bad parent and I feel he is brainwashing her. I just feel powerless and low. No energy and no clue what to do next. -
Please contact your local women’s aid. The council have a duty to rehome victims of domestic abuse. My women’s aid worker arranged a meeting for me. There is also a refuge until you can get on your feet. Please reach out for help. I know how exhausting dealing with an abuser can be. That’s why you need lots of support. You can also ring Rights for Women and ask about an exclusion order to get him out. You will need evidence of his abuse so get to your GP asap and tell them you’re being abused and it’s affecting your mental health. There really is lots of help for you. Just dig deep and reach out for help. Start with women’s aid or citizens advice x
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Hi,
Start to write all the things he has done to you.
Find your local support group, google, there must be one, or WA helpline support worker can give you contact details.
Contact your council, ask for the meeting, not just a phone call.
Keep screenshots, everything that can help you.
Prepare and plan, this won’t be quick and easy, just step by step. -
He is not your responsibility and is emotionally abusing your child which is child abuse. These men always land on their feet. You’re not making him homeless. He can rent a room off someone meantime and if he truly cared he would move out and leave you and your child in the home. I also feared no one would believe me. I recorded the final assault. Keep any texts or emails and keep a secret journal of his behaviour. It can be used as evidence x
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Thank you so much for reading. I’m just feeling like I have nowhere to turn. He flips between being nice and horrible. I’m confused and doubting whether I’m just blowing things out of proportion. I don’t feel able to report it as abuse because no one sees it and he probably seems like the rational one.
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Women’s Aid will absolutely see it as abuse. The thing with abuse is it happens in secret. That’s how abusers keep their power over you. Once it’s out in the open his behaviour is seen and the typical pattern of a domestic abuser. Our self esteem and self confidence are eroded so much we feel powerless but your voice and your feet are your power. The FOG of abuse will eventually clear. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. The tools of the abuser. Google the cycle of abuse. You’re definitely not blowing it out of proportion x you’re right about brainwashing her and you. Keep speaking out when you can. I thought no one would believe me they did. You just don’t make that stuff up. Professionals see his kind of behaviour every day x
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Thank you for responding. (Detail removed by Moderator) there was an incident. My partner was angry and lashing out verbally. Calling me an abuser and a psycho. Said I was a neglectful mother. My daughter had gone into the bedroom and he went in too closing and locking the door after them. I told him to open the door and let me in to see our daughter. He refused so I said I would call the police if he didn’t let me see her. He opened the door but was furious. Our daughter had gone into a cupboard because of what was happening. He raised his hand threatenly as if to hit me but instead he hit himself hard in the face. He then started yelling (Detail removed by Moderator). This really frightened me. I opened the cupboard and our daughter was freaked out asking me if I just hit daddy. I didn’t think she would believe me because they are close. But she did and I took her downstairs. I locked the living room door because I just didn’t know what he was going to do next. My daughter was begging me not to call the police because she didn’t want daddy to get arrested. But I was so worried I called 101. They sent two officers out to check on us and one went upstairs to talk to my ex. I’m fairly sure he was calm and polite with them and they probably think I made it all up. They left advising me to call again if things escalate. I rang WA today and told them what happened. They have a number for local DV service and I left a msg but they haven’t called back. I feel sick. I don’t know how to carry on living here after (Detail removed by Moderator). Ex is just carrying on as if nothing happened.
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My ex behaved appallingly too. The marriage was dead in the water for years. Things finally took a turn for the worst about (Detail removed by Moderator) ago. My ex refused to move out or do anything. In the end it was the police who persuaded him that it would be better if he left. Even then he dragged his feet. Well done on jumping off the edge and starting to ask for help. You will get there. Keep a diary of anything, anything at all that happens. You will need it when you get round to reporting him.
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Well done. Can you stay with family and take your daughter with you. Hitting himself like that is his way of setting you up. He could apply for an exclusion order and possibly have you removed from the house. He really is a nasty manipulator. My ex had me detained by the police and when I said what was to stop him making up things again they said nothing if you are in contact with him. Please get out with your daughter. You can go into a refuge and let the professionals help you both there. Goodness knows what harm it’s doing to your daughter mentally. Please take her somewhere safe. You have a duty of care as a parent. I hope someone contacts you soon to help you both leave.
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I agree with KIP very much. I think so often that we undermine ourselves and we can’t process the danger that we are in. I was warned for years that I was in danger. I didn’t see it. I knew when I married him that there was something really wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. It’s been a steep learning curve! Now middle aged and post menopausal I am learning again to rely on myself.
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I feel for you. Its a horrible stage to be at. My ex managed to have my teenage children side with him even though he was the one shouting and threatening me. My teenagers blamed me for not speaking to him (I was trying to not make a bad situation worse) when he was shouting at me and they along with him even blamed me for putting my fingers in my ears (so I couldn’t hear him shouting at me that I was mad, that I needed to see a doctor). That part of the DA was so painful when the children out of fear sided with him. One of my teenagers didn’t really side with him but then she also was on the receiving end of his abuse. Now a couple of years on my relationship with the 2 who I feared were being alienated from me by him has improved so much. I’m away from the abuser and I’m careful to never bring him up in conversation at all with my children. A friend said to me at the time when my ex was using my children as weapons against me that ‘my children’s love for me was as great as their fear of him’. This helped me at the time.
I remember feeling as you do now so low with no energy and so beaten down with the abuse. Keep posting you will move through this. Solutions will unfold. keep reading the posts, guidance will come.
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I appreciate all your support so much. I’m really scared right now. I spoke to women’s aid and they advised me on some options. Gave me a no. For a local DA service that could give me practical help. I left a msg for a call back but they haven’t got back to me yet. I also filled in their online referral form explaining the situation. I hope they get back to me soon. I really don’t know what will happen. He just went out and I know he will be doing everything he can to make me look crazy and a bad mum.
I don’t have contact with my family. We’ve moved a lot so I have no local friends. -
My ex came down this morning and was asking me if I want to talk. I kept quiet and wouldn’t respond to him. He then informed me that he’d tried to talk to me but since I refused he had no choice but to end our joint tenancy, meaning we would both have to leave the property. I left the house immediately and called the housing to tell them what he was threatening. They had a record of me phoning a few weeks ago for advice on DA. The person was very reassuring and said that the behaviour was bullying and abuse. He told me not to worry, they wouldn’t see us out in the street. If he tried to end tenancy they would assess if I could take over as sole tenant or find my daughter and I alternative accommodation. I’m still waiting for a call back from local DA service to help me with a plan in what to do next.
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They have a duty of care to rehome domestic abuse victims. Please let them know you fear for your safety and need alternative accommodation and not to let your partner know.
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I have now spoken to local DA service and they are really supportive. The safeguarding team at social services phoned me too because of the police coming out. That freaked me out but she was very helpful. She reassured me that from what I’m telling her I’m doing everything possible as a responsible parent. I gave her permission to view the police report and to write to my daughters school explaining the situation and asking them for support for my daughter. I’m still scared. My partner went out earlier for ages telling our daughter he had an appointment. Don’t know what that is about but trying not to worry. Thank you all for responding, it is helping me through this anxious time. I really appreciate it.
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