Still love him and struggling to accept what happened

[Reallystruggling]

I was with my boyfriend for (detail removed by moderator) and we’ve known each other for (detail removed by moderator) He disclosed he has clinical depression a month into the relationship and then later admitted to having tried to commit suicide by drowning himself last year. He gave up on the antidepressants as he said they didn’t work and tried cbt but said it didn’t work for him. I hadnt had a relationship for a really long time and had given up but then he started working at the same place I did and we flirted and it just felt so natural and he seemed so genuine and different to other men.

First month or so was amazing and we said ‘I love you’ to each other within a month – this was after he’d had a bad day at work and been given a written warning for punctuality. Needless to say with his depression he was feeling down and was worried he would be sacked so we went for a coffee (like we did every week) and I tried to cheer him up and it worked. It felt natural to tell him I loved him as we were leaving the coffee place and he said it back so it was a good feeling to know we felt the same. I admit at times it felt as we were rushing but I thought he was the one so I wanted to plan a future with him. I’m Indian and he’s Irish and although my family are very laid back as are his, it was a big deal for me to invite him over for a family meal so early into the relationship and my family welcomed him with open arms – my mum also works with us and thought he was nice so it made it easier to introduce him to the family. We then went to Ireland to visit his family in (detail removed by moderator) and I found out from him that his mum has depression and it was thought that so did his granny.

He’s had a difficult life with not knowing his dad as he physically abused his mum and was an alcoholic. My ex also said that he was told that when he was one his dad would trip him up so they left and the family moved to Ireland. Growing up he faced physical and emotional and verbal abuse at the hands of his mum mainly, but his grandad would also hit him. Anyway since he was a teen he decided to address his mum and granny by their first name because of all the abuse he had faced.

He was sexually abused (touched and kissed) by the man his mum had been seeing on holidays abroad. He was also badly affected he said at having repeatedly heard his mum having sex with various men when he was growing up. He’s not very close to his mum and she herself is an alcoholic and he puts (detail removed by moderator) into her account every month despite not earning much himself. When we spoke about this he said he didn’t want to put money in but didn’t have a choice as he is all she’s got. I suggested that maybe he was trying to buy her love because he never had it growing up to which he reluctantly agreed he thought I was right.

He was bullied a lot growing up too for being fat and not having a dad. So I felt really sorry that he had had to go through so much and just wanted to protect him. We bonded over some of the similar experiences we had growing up which made me think how lucky we were to have found each other and that we understood each other. My family are very close and his aren’t so when he asked I don’t tell my family about his depression or what he had been through, I agreed because I wanted to respect his privacy.

He initially really liked my family and even admitted that my mum had shown him more love since he’d been with me than his own mother has his whole life.

He’s had his ups and downs since we’ve been together and we argued a lot mostly about little things which I felt were due to his anger issues and his depression getting the better of him and because he overreacts about little things, but I never told him this.

He used to say that when we fell out I would find it hard to move on and would shut him out because we were at work and I didn’t want to have to deal with our issue when I had to teach a lesson. But I tried to not hold onto the arguments because I didn’t want him to feel rejected like he had done so his whole life.

One time we fell out briefly because he was late to work as he had stayed up until 4am talking to his mum who refused to talk to him unless he had a drink or shot with her – he stunk of alcohol when he arrived to work and he knows I don’t like the smell of alcohol. He messaged from his lesson to ask why I was off with him and I tried to be honest by just saying I didn’t want him to be sacked until he had somewhere else to work and was worried that that is what would happen as this wasn’t the first time he had been late to work. He has said in the past that I’m terrible at wording things and come across negative at times so I was really proud of the fact that I had worded it well with the help of a friend and he responded saying I was right and he didn’t have an excuse, we exchanged the I love you’s and all was fine. But then over lunch he brought it back up and I said I was pleased that we’d made progress and not made a big deal out of it and moved on so quickly. In his eyes however we hadn’t and he started crying and telling me he didn’t mean to be late but this chat with his mum was a big deal because they spoke about everything and she listened to him which she’s never done before. I was pleased for him as I had told him that I wanted him to have a relationship with his mum and even if he didn’t that I wanted to have one with her because she was his mum. Anyway lots of tears and an hour later and he had calmed down and we’d made up.

Like I said we had a few little disagreements here and there but it was still new so I put it down to getting to know each other. He was also really attentive and would surprise me with chocolates and strawberries or cakes and would leave them on my desk for me in the morning when I came to work. Onfe I had a blood test and I was worried I’d get low sugar like I had in the past so he bought me two packets of sweets and a chocolate bar and left it on my desk with a post-it note saying now I wouldn’t get low blood sugar. I thought this was really sweet.

I’m quite a private person and didn’t want people at work knowing about us as I didn’t want to be gossiped about and got upset once when my mum had told one of the lady’s who likes to gossip that that my boyfriend and I were together and he told me not to be annoyed at my mum. Because he knew I was upset he arranged for a chocolate cake slice and a red velvet cake slice to be sent to my house that evening to cheer me up as he knew they were my favourite types of cakes – again something sweet.

He was a true gent and everyone at work was constantly saying how lucky I was as it was obvious he worshipped me and he himself took great pride in telling people how much I meant to him. He had one major break down in June after I got annoyed he let his friend bring two girls back to his house when it was empty so his friend could sleep with one of them and then didn’t tell me until after. He apologised a lot but I was annoyed and asked how he would like it if I did the same with two guys. He then changed from apologising to having a go at me over WhatsApp. He said I was making him feel like some c**t like his family had growing up and he wasn’t going to have me making him out to be some d******d that he wasn’t. He asked if I believed he didn’t do anything with the girls but to me it was the fact he had let them come back to his then lied when he messaged me by saying he’d fallen asleep when he’d got home late from the club and was going back to sleep, which I didn’t understand how he would do if two girls were at his. He had kicked his friend out earlier on after his friend was verbally rude to one of the girls and my boyfriend said he had gotten angry at their behaviour and punched the wall which he cracked, punched the bathroom door, which broke and kicked the bin which he dented. So despite being that angry when the girls he didn’t know insisted on staying he didn’t kick them out which was beyond me. Regardless, foolishly I was willing to overlook that. He then continued getting majorly depressed said he was going to kill himself and wanted to break up and swore at me and I mean swore as in every imaginable word under the sun – c**t, f****r, told me to f**k off and f**k me etc. He blocked me on WhatsApp, when I called to ask he doesn’t do anything he told me it wasn’t my concern as we were over and I begged him not to say that or to do anything and he shouted down the phone called me pathetic and bashed his head against the wall and said that I had driven him tout do that. I said sorry repeatedly but he hung up on me. Said he was blocking me on everything and not coming into work and would take an overdose. I didn’t hear from him for over 20mins so I freaked out and text him saying I was calling the police as I wasn’t going to do anything while he killed himself. I was so hysterical and worried I told my mum the incident and that he’d tried to commit suicide in the past. He replied back 20 or so mins later saying he hadn’t done anything, not to call the police but to leave him alone. Reluctantly I did just that. Next morning I messaged to ask if he was ok he said no and that it was still over. I said I love her him and then my mum told me not to message anymore.
He took 2 days off work, but despite all this I still went to his on the first day he a was off when he needed me and nursed him through the depression. I left work early which I’d never done as I don’t like taking time off work, cleaned the kitchen and glasses he’d used with his friend and the girls the night before as I didn’t want his aunt to come home to a messy house and get annoyed at him. He felt better in the evening and wanted pizza so I drove and bought him dominoes pizza and stayed over with him which again I never did on weekday only on a weekend. That evening he apologised repeatedly for what he had said and said he didn’t mean about breaking up and he would never do that.
He did get better but became really clingy and possessive. Three days later he came to work and got annoyed as he said he had waited for me in my room at work but I never came up at break and he needed me. He said he needed me more and if I wanted the relationship to work I needed to make him a priority and put our relationship first for once, he suggested that I do more weekends staying at his rather than every other weekend like we had been doing so far (this was so I could see my family as they were noticing i wasn’t around as much). He also said that I should do one weekday at his as well so that we could really get back on track. I tried to explain that this would not be possible because of my workload and because I wanted to spend time with my family as well as him, he insisted that this was needed so I said that we could talk about it more and see what we could do.

He never had a problem with my family before as they were really welcoming towards him but started to get jealous of my relationship with my mum as he’s distant from his own and admitted my mum shows him more love than his own. He became jealous of my brother with OCD as he said my brother lives in a bubble my mum provides as he can’t get a job and my funds him – before he had said that he understood about my brother’s condition because he too suffered from anxiety and even said that in the future when we were married we could provide for my brother and that we would look after my mum so she wasn’t alone. He’s an only child so doesn’t get my family dynamic. Once he saw me upset after an argument with my brother and was really sweet and tried to help fix things. But after his episode in June he said he thought my brother treated me badly and didn’t like that and when we were married me wouldn’t let my brother talk to me badly. A part of me liked how protective he was but on this occasion I said that the way my boyfriend had treated me thw night before wasn’t any better but he insisted it was different because we were dating and he wasn’t my be Her and brothers shouldn’t do that. We spoke about marriage kids having a house and a dog together and he even bought me a ring off Amazon in May which was a pre engagement ring we said and didnth whole getting down on one knee and proposing thing. We didn’t tell anyone as it was between as felt right. He was constantly telling me that he would talk to his mum and his aunt about me which was something that he hadn’t done before with previous girls and that they would always say to him that as long as it was right for the two of us that was all that mattered that they were happy that he’d found somebody he wanted to spend his future with and when you know it’s right you just feel it.

Things hadn’t exactly been the same since he had his episode in June, but I struggled on as I thought he was the one, he started complaining we were drifting. He started making demands that if our relationship was to work that I’d need to spend more time at his and stay around more – I was already doing a weekend at his and then a weekend at home to balance things. With being distant from his own family, I’m not sure if he understood how close my mum and my brothers were to me despite me telling him my mum was my best friend. He had said in the past that I was the first girl he’d dated that lived with her family or that he hadn’t lived with. He would get upset if I stopped messaging mid way as I had something to do or if I went out and didn’t tell him I had plans. This continued, but he wanted us to go on holiday still and to be honest I was looking forward to going away on our first proper holidays together but still worried in case he’d have one of his episodes of fall out with me while away. His grandad was very poorly and he was being pressured by his mum and aunt to visit his grandad so I said I’d go with him so he didn’t have to go alone and I had enjoyed Ireland the last time we’d been. I had booked to go away with my family for 5 days end of July and he already panicked that we would drift whilst I was gone despite my best efforts to reassure him I don’t think he fully believed me as this was the longest we would have been apart. On holiday after a chat with my brother I told him I was considering a career change which he didn’t take too well said I decided without him and I always listen to my brother even when he gives wrong advice and that we wouldn’t see each other as much. He’s always said that he thinks my oldest brother doesn’t know which role to play in the family whether to be the dad or brother. He thought this brother didn’t like him which made my brother upset when I told him because he used to make an effort with my boyfriend when he would come over. I thought we’d resolved things when I explained that it was an option and nothing has been finalised and it was my decision. The next day he was off with me o Ed WhatsApp so I gave him space and messaged less – he got annoyed. When I got back from New York he demanded I meet him that same evening if i wanted to fix things or leave it for the pre arranged next day when we’d said I’d stay over at his for a couple of nights. Said if I left it until the next day it would be a matter of just collecting my things from his – something he had previously when he had his depressive episode in June. I gave in and met him in (detail removed by moderator) and things were fine we talked went for dinner and then he started saying he felt sad as I was going home and he was going home without me. He was trying to emotionally manipulate me into going to his despite being jet lagged. I refused and said I would see him tomorrow after my pre booked gym health check, he got upset and said that was something I didn’t need to have booked. In the past like last year he was doing cocaine to deal with his depression and when we started dating I made it clear he wasn’t to do that stuff because i didn’t believe in drugs. That night he told me he had relapsed two months ago at his (detail removed by moderator) and done two lines of cocaine but hadn’t told me because he was scared I would judge him and break up with him (I’ve never broken up with him he’s been the one to end it when he has been depressed or angry a couple of times). He then said he had (detail removed by moderator) and could contact a dealer and get cocaine right then and there but wasn’t because of me. He had also purchased a pack of cigarettes and he knows I can’t stand smoking and said he had smoked one earlier as he was stressed. I went home and he went to his and messaged me feeling down and I spoke to him and he thanked me for listening and helping. He also asked me to do him a favour and take my overnight bag to the gym and come straight to his from there which I abreee.
The next I woke up early to go to my gym thing and came back to his messages. In one message he joked that I might be cheating on him at the gym and then he said he couldn’t sleep and he was looking forward to seeing me. He was upset that I hadn’t replied but I managed to diffuse the situation. He asked I not shower at the gym and drive straight to his but it’s a 40min drive and with it so hot out I didn’t want that.
Unbeknown to him the evening before when he had said to end things unless I met him, I had messaged and asked to meet her as I was worried my boyfriend was getting worse and she agreed as she said he had been off with her for a week too we  (detail removed by moderator) and she agreed not to say I had contacted her.

Anyway (detail removed by moderator) at his when I went over was great and we had a lovely day together and evening. We went to the church and he lit 5 candles like he usually does (for my family, his family, me, him and us) and we prayed. He said he had got back into his faith because I had inspired him with my believe in god. Again I thought this was sweet but I was aware in the back of my mind that things with us had changed and we shouldn’t be together. Despite this we spent the night relaxing and then we got into bed and he asked if things were ok between us and I said yes. He then said he had noticed I hadn’t brought up our holiday once and I said I didn’t think it was a good idea until we properly sorted things with us to which he flipped out. Started shouting saying I was rejecting him and he had sat and waited whilst I was away in New York with family because he knew we’d be going away. He said he had told his friends and he was so excited and I had taken that away from him because I was s**m. He started crying and I fel terrible but he wouldn’t let me close to him or let me explain. Asked about Ireland and I lied and said I couldn’t afford both and would prefer Ireland as he needed to see his grandad. He cried and said that wasn’t a proper holiday and how I know his grandparents would pay for my Ireland ticket but I said that wasn’t fair to expect them to. I will cut it short and just say he continued shouting and swearing at me – I was calledma w****r, r****d, c**t, f****r, s**m, liar, stubborn as f**k and innweded to realise I was in the s**t beside him not standing above as I pretend to be nice and in love but I’m sneaky. I offered a compromise and said if we work on our issues we have 4 weeks left to book somewhere or we could do a weekend away but because I wouldn’t give the original 4 days he didn’t want to know. Swore all night didn’t let me sleep said I should leave in the morning I said why not now and he said he wasn’t letting me drive in the dark because I’m not used to it and he didn’t want anything to happen to me. Anyway if I would get sleepy he would ask me to wake up if I wanted to sort things but it was ok for him to play PlayStation whilst we spoke because it distracted him. He punched the wall, the remote and cut his hand open. I should mention in the past he has cut himself with a knife on the outside of his wrist because we’d fallen out briefly and I hadn’t answered his phone as I was downstairs. He punched his own head repeatedly and said I was making him do all this and causing his depression. Said he had never spoken to another girl or person like he was me and that the way he was speaking to me was like his mum used to with him. Said he was speaking to me as if I was an extension of himself. His aunt woke up due to his shouting and asked he keep it down as she was trying to sleep. He tjwnnlwft the house for a walk and came back said he was going to the casino. I was taken aback and asked why and he said I couldn’t even let him do that without questioning. In the end he didn’t go but continued playing PlayStation and arguing with me. He would briefly calm down and did so when I was having chest pains and hugged me and tried to rub my chest to help. Then flipped when he brought up the engagement and I said we didn’t need to rush and he didn’t need to propose on our one year like we said he would because it was too soon with the arguments and fighting. He got upset cried and locked himself in his bathroom said he would sleep on the floor. I cried and asked him to come out so we could talk and said I was sorry not really sure what I was apologising for at this point but reassuring him I loved him because I do.
The arguing continued until Thursday morning and in that time he had bashed and tried to punch more things but I had stopped him. He’s. ever hit me before so I wasn’t worried about that but he can be very hurtful with his words and even said mid swearing that he knows he shouldn’t be shouting and swearing at the person he loves the most but his head is so messed up he can’t stop. He threw a glass of water at the wall and some splashed onto me to which he sarcastically said sorry would I like a towel because he couldn’t shout (he had never stopped) and he couldn’t throw things so water was all he could throw. At this point I recorded some of his shouting without him knowing and sent it to my best friend as I wasn’t sure anyone would believe how bad it was unless they listened to it. My friend immediately got worried and wanted to come get me but I said I would leave in a bit and drive myself. We’d already discussed how he needed to go to the GP to get on antidepressants as he wasn’t coping and he had agreed to go and that I could go with him. When he phoned the GP he said he would be on lock down and sectioned because of me. His aunt text him worried and he blamed me said he was having to tell his aunt he was having a break down which he didn’t want anyone to know and it was my fault; more swear words towards me followed but I stayed. When I cried he stopped shouting and hugged me and said it broke him to see me cry. He let me go to the GP with him and we got him antidepressants and although previously reluctant he even asked about counselling. He was sad and cried when we got back to his after taking the medication and saidnhe didn’t think I would stick around and would be gone in a few months because it would get too much, I tried reassuring him and myself despite knowing in my heart the reason I wouldn’t stick around was his treatment of me in the last 24hours. He then got angry about the holiday again and threw his aunt’s lighter across the kitchen breaking it and stormed off to his room. I didn’t go after him but messaged his aunt instead who thanked me for taking him to the doctors and said she was coming home early. After a while I went upstairs and he was in bed he said he wanted me to leave in a bit once I had gotten some sleep and he fell asleep.

Whilst he was sleeping I packed my stuff and emptied the drawers in his room where I kept my stuff and took it downstairs ready to leave once his aunt was home as I didn’t want to leave him on his own in case he tried to hurt himself. I was in a state bawling my eyes out knowing it was actually over this time. My friend who I had sent the recording to messaged to ask if I had left and explained why I hadn’t and she said she would meet me when I did to make sure I was ok.

My boyfriend woke up and saw me taking my stuff and asked if I was planning on leaving sneakily without saying bye and I said no that I was waiting until he was up. He argued again and called me s****o so I got the rest of my things and walked out of his room to leave. But he and shouted about the holiday whilst I was crying. His aunt came home when he was roaring next to my face and tried to calm him down. She attempted to do some sort of mediation but she’s never had a relationship she’s a career woman and I think she was happy to let me deal with his mental health so she didn’t have to. Told us we were good together but maybe needed a breather. She helped in her own way but he was far too fuelled up. I said he had asked me to leave and that was what I was going to do now. She suggested a break of 24hrs but I said I needed more. He knew (detail removed by moderator) His aunt suggested I come over the next evening and stay the night (detail removed by moderator) but I refused as I needed longer. He took my saying no as further rejection and me abandoning him and said he was embarrassed his own girlfriend didn’t want to spend the night with him.

Before I left he asked if I’d tell my mum and I said yes as she needed to know what had happened and it was only fair that I had my mum to tell as his aunt knew. He said if I told my mum I knew what would happen and that would be the end. He insisted on carrying my bags to the car something he always used to do as he didn’t like me carrying anything. As soon as I drove away he started messaging and then called to say he’d seen I’d emptied the drawers with my things in them and that had crushed him and how that meant this wasn’t a break and I wasn’t planning on coming. Said he loves me and he was sorry. The medication had scared him and everything else but it didn’t matter because he loved me and wanted to get better. He then messaged me over 600 times that night saying he would change, he recognised he needed help and always would but he wanted to get it now, didn’t want to lose me, admitted the way he spoke awful and not right, didn’t care about the holiday and he was willing to get relationship counselling like I had suggested. Even said he’d try one of the writing about our feelings activities I had suggested and he hadn’t wanted to do. Said he would do anything even beg as long as I didn’t give up on us. It took a day and so for him to realise I wanted space and no contact after I messaged and said he has hurt me and I needed space.

Family and friends were disgusted at how he’d acted and my family felt betrayed as they’d opened their arms to him and trusted him to treat me right and he hadn’t. I knew what I had to do and my family wanted to make sure I did go through with it so last (detail removed by moderator) I messaged ending things. I messaged his aunt first so she could be there for him. He took it surprisingly well and although expressed this isn’t what he wanted he understood why I was doing it and then said he knows what a good person I am so knows I wouldn’t be messaging to end it if it wasn’t the hardest thing. Said he’d and knew he had hurt me and for that he’d always be sorry. Also said he knew I was strong and would be ok and he was sorry I was having to seek counselling over this and him. He said to keep smiling my amazing smile and he was going to work on fixing himself for him but also in hopes he could get me back in the future.

I still love him and despite everything he’s done and said a part of me hopes I can have him in my life in the future despite my family stating otherwise and friends saying I will feel differently once I’m overnight him. Its hard to accept it was emotional abuse but everyone has said it was and it would only have got worse.

I love him and want to remember the good things about him, like when he bought me fruit when I was stressed, was there for me when my mum was in the hospital, the times he got the tube to come to mine so he could drive back to his as I didn’t know and hadn’t driven that far before alone and he drove back too only for me to drop him at the tube station for him to go back home. He did it several times until I was comfortable driving alone. That’s just a few examples so he wasn’t all bad. And the more everyone wants me to remember the bad times and the shouting I still can’t stop loving him and would do anything for another kiss and hug from him.

After my counselling yesterday I messaged him in secret to ask about his counselling. He immediately replied saying he knows he’s meant to be and we’re not together but he’s so sorry and he doesn’t want to think he has hurt me so bad as he knows he shouldn’t and it wasn’t right. He then asked if he could call me briefly to update me on his progress and if not maybe he could do so one day. I’m weak when it comes to him so I agreed. He called we spoke, he said it was good to hear my voice and for me it was good to hear his. He told me they think he might have bi polar not and he was on two lots of medication and two types of counselling. He also said he was sorry for leaning on me a lot and he should have a bigger support network in place so the pressure wasn’t all on me. Said because of me he’s opened up to some friends about his mental health and he’s not ashamed anymore.

It was a good talk and I got to say that he had emotionally abused me and he said he hadn’t meant to and he wasn’t trying to be controlling but he gets he was. He asked that I don’t think he’s as had as my friend’s ex who hit her.

He has always claimed if we broke up he’d leave work as it would be too hard to see me and not be with me. But on the phone he mentioned he was coming back in (detail removed by moderator) Truth be told if he’s there I won’t be able to be strong and I will want him back. My mum has stated she won’t speak to him and I shouldn’t either and she will ask him to not talk to her if he tries. He did message in response to my break up message to ask I apologise to my mum as a separate person to me and as my mother for what he did, but she doesn’t want to hear it because she’s hurting too.

What do I do? If he comes to work in (detail removed by moderator) how do I resist? how do I get over him and fully accept it was abuse?

I know it’s my fault for messaging him after the break up and I’ll make sure I don’t for the rest the holidays until we go back to work in (detail removed by moderator) but please help. I still love him more than anything and letting go of everything we’d planned for our future together is really hard. (detail removed by moderator) but I fell for him completely.

[fizzylem]

Hi, your post is so long I simply cant read it all – really sorry – I usually write long posts myself but not this long. It’s hard to get across what you’d like to say sometimes in a concise way huh. I noticed a lot of ‘he’s’ and the lines I did read gave his history, sounds like you are maybe in a sort of ‘justification mode’. If so, you really don’t need to be you know.

It’s great that you can love unconditionally, that you have a big heart, but you also need to be clear about what is ok and not ok for you in any relationship and feel this is respected and if not, walk away.

Yes letting go is hard for sure, but when it is isn’t right we need to work on drawing a line, then moving forwards, or continue to be treated badly.

Sounds like you are struggling to accept it’s over – adjusting – missing the good parts – this is all normal of course and it will pass. If it wasn’t right yesterday or the day before, tomorrow won’t change this. Try spending time with friends and those who love you.

Felt I wanted to reply as no one else has yet, but maybe others cant read such a long post either? It looks like it was important for you to get it all out in the post so this is great, but if you’d like some replies then maybe try again with a shorter post? FL.x

[IrisAtwood]

Hi,
I haven’t been able to read it all either as I am very tired. What I have read is that your boyfriend has serious emotional and mental health issues and for this reason you are accepting a lot of abuse and manipulation from him.

You haven’t been together long, but the relationship has moved very fast. This is very common with partners who go on to be abusive.

At the moment you are justifying and explaining his abuse of you as the result of his difficult childhood, but what you must remember is that abuse is always abuse.

It does not matter why a man calls you names, controls your behaviour, threatens suicide and generally makes you unhappy. The fact is that he is doing those things.

At your age and stage of relationship you should be having a fun, happy time together. Exploring things together and getting to know each other, not worrying about self harm, being abused and walking on eggshells.

Your abuser’s trauma does not justify his abusing you. You are not his therapist or his caregiver.

You are looking for a boyfriend, not an abuser. Two very different things!

[Tiffany]

I did get to the bottom, but like other posters have said, it’s a lot of information to take in at once. It sounds to me like you are hoping that somehow the abuse is a result of his mental health issues and you can get the lovely man who was so kind and romantic in the early days back.

This WILL NOT HAPPEN! Do not confuse mental health issues with abuse. Your partner was suffering from mental health problems AND he was abusive. It’s a toxic combo.

The relationship you describe is so similar to mine with my abuser. Only difference was that I was British and he was Indian. He also had an abusive family, who he was still very involved with and when things were going badly with them he took it out on me. He claimed my family showed him more love than his did and that he would rather belong to my family than his. But his family always came before mine in our joint priorities. He also claimed that he was only angry with me/swore at me/called me names because he loved me and he had never learned to show affection properly. He clearly had mental health problems which he refused to seek help for, instead expecting me to make his life perfect so he was happy – which obviously I couldn’t do, so that in his head justified the abuse. Nothing was ever his fault according to him – it was his mental health/family/work/me. But the truth looking back was that it was his fault. He chose to abuse me rather than seek proper help. He chose not to modify his behaviour when I told him it upset me. This is universal abuser behaviour and your abuser sounds the same.

Please try not to highlight the good things he did – unfortunately they sound like classic manipulation designed to get you hooked initially. Instead I would probably try and write a list of all the abusive things he did and use that to keep your resolve not to get back with him. Keep talking to your Mum and your family – it sounds like they have clearer heads than you about the situation and can help you to stay safe.

Things will get better. I am not sure what to do about the work situation except make it clear that you will not talk to him at work except about work matters. If he doesn’t respect that (which he might well not) then I would report him for harassment to HR/management. Keep your contact to the minimum. Block him on your phone. And stay strong.

[Poodlepower]

Your story has lots of similarities to mine. My partner was abused as a child and had mental health issues as a result. I felt kind of responsible for him, tried to give him love and security to help him get over his problems, but nothing was ever enough. He controlled me, took anger out on me, physically and verbally abused me and threatened suicide many tines. Life with him was very, very hard and I just didn’t have the skills to help him. He needed help from professionals but refused hospitalisation, which was what he needed. In the end, for my own survival , I had to get away from him.

I told him many, baby times what it would take to mane me want to stay, but he chose to use force instead.

I do miss him and I loved him very much, but a relationship with a man like this is impossible. I would never have been happy with him and that something I had to accept. It was hard. Still is.

[banks]

agreed with the ladies above – he is very abusive, and will not change, and you did the right thing for going no contact. Do not blame yourself for checking up on him, you are only human and clearly you do care for him and it is hard to switch that off overnight. However, being in similar situation – having only few weeks of no contact before I was forced to face my abusive ex, I decided to cut the contact and block him and read all I could find about abuse, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance and cycle of abuse. It helped me realise that I worry about my abuser because I am conditioned (trauma bonded) to do so, and it allowed me to see the relationship for what it really was – toxic and abusive. I realised I am not writing him off, but for the first time, I am putting myself first. It is as simple as that. Also, do not focus on the positive MOMENTS you had with him, because that is all that it was – moments. You deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve and be consistent, not someone who will abuse and manipulate you. Sending you hugs, it is hard, but you can do this and we all here to support you.

[Author]

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