Still not sleeping and he’s still smiling

[IWILLBeOkay]

Hi, this is my first post on here and can imagine some of it will be edited out. I’m really struggling. I’m in my (detail removed by moderator) and never thought I’d be posting on here. After waiting weeks for the police to intervene and question him he has now denied everything. All that stands now is my word against his. I don’t know how to feel, I want to cry. I want to scream. He constantly told me no one else would have me and that I’ll end up lonely and childless. I started to believe him and unfortunately it took him to be violent for me to leave. I feel like I’ll never be okay. And I won’t be okay sleeping next to another man again. Sorry for the waffle. My fingers are typing so fast they can’t keep up with the waffle my brain is sprouting. Does it ever get better or will be always be at the back of my mind telling me I’m not good enough?

[KIP.]

Yes it will get better. I, and many other women have been where you are and we thrive now. It’s a real rollercoaster ride to recovery. It’s like breaking a drug habit. It will help to learn about the dynamics of abuse. Google the cycle of abuse. Cognitive dissonance. Gaslighting. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Keep posting and reading other posts on here. Ring the helpline number on here to speak to someone who understands. You will be okay again. You need to find the girl you were before this man chipped away at your self confidence and self esteem. She’s still in there. The brain chatter and intrusive thoughts will get less and less. Time and zero contact are the best way forward. Well done for reporting him. It’s not your word against his when other women speak up. Many of these men are repeat offenders. Hopefully the police will speak to other partners of his. This is often how justice catches up with them. Such a brave thing to do. Meantime be very kind to yourself. Perhaps seek out good counselling from someone with training in domestic abuse. Speak to your GP and your local women’s aid x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. Well done on getting out and also on posting on here. Taking that first step is ridiculously hard too. I’d advise everything KIP has said. I’ve been reading up on my husband’s behaviour fir a good while now, it led me here eventually. It’s anonymous and the belief is unconditional. I’m hoping to leave one day, sooner than later, just having some serious doubts at the moment, think I’m might be a lost cause. 😥
IWMB 💕💕

[IWILLBeOkay]

Thank you so much for your relies. They’ve reduced me to tears but in a good way. I just feel everything is so unfair at the moment. He has a son and the police are ringing (detail removed by moderator) to let me know if they’re going to question him, somehow I think he will be prepped on what to say well before they arrive (if they do!).

I’m so grateful for this forum. My parents have been angels but I don’t think they understand how much it’s affecting me right.

Again, thank you for your words and taking the time to reply. So very very grateful

[Flowerchild]

Well done for reporting him! It’s such an important step in the road to freedom.

Of course he will be ready for questioning and deny everything. They all do that. The police know this and will be expecting nothing less. It doesn’t matter. It will be on record and he won’t want to have another such conversation!

You have made yourself a bit safer and you have reached for a bit of your power and used it to start reclaiming your life.

Well done! Don’t look back. Don’t listen to or believe anything he says about the talk with the police: ask them instead.

Flower x

[IWILLBeOkay]

Thank you. Just gets me feeling angry. I invested all this money into a house, paid for everything (how silly, I know!) and now he has a nice house at the end of it despite everything he put me through. That’s what I keep telling myself to calm me down – that my statement will stay on record for WHEN (not if) another woman comes forward. (Detail removed by moderator). I just wish I could shout from the rooftops who he really is x

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi IWILLBeOk,

So sorry to hear you have gone through such awful abuse. You are not waffling at all. You have been through a horrible time and are trying to make sense of it and we are here to listen. I know it is difficult losing what you worked so hard for. Have you got good legal advice ?

It may sound harsh but the reality is if you get out with your health and life it is a blessing. You can rebuild and heal.
The longer you are apart the better you will feel but there are dips too. Be kind to yourself.

Best wishes xx

[IWILLBeOkay]

My whole world changed within the space of 24 hours and I still struggle to deal with that. Luckily haven’t had to seek legal advice as the estate agent has managed to sort money/payments with him so I don’t need to contact him for that. I just wish every single woman he comes across know he has this hanging over his head. He’ll do this again – what he did to me. Looking back there were tell tale signs of abuse but I guess it’s not as obvious when you’re in the relationship.

Thank you for your kind words. They do really help and I need to be just that: kind to myself. I’ve lost too much sleep worrying and thinking about what he did and whether I’ll be okay when actually, the fact I’m starting to smile more is an achievement in itself.

Thank you again for your reply x

[Anonymous]

Well done on taking this first step. Its a hard thing to do, especially if you have been ground down. You may find its a good idea to spend some time out of a relationship at first, to find the real you.
Then, if and when you are ready, you can look for someone who will really love you, the way you deserve to be loved.

[IWILLBeOkay]

Had confirmation tonight that they won’t pursue the investigation due to lack of evidence and it wouldn’t be beneficial for them to interview his son who was in (detail removed by Moderator) when it happened. Not the news I wanted before my NYE celebrations but I’m determined not to let it ruin my night. I have to remember that Karma is a powerful thing and I have to bide my time wisely.

[Starsindarkness]

The police told me they wouldn’t pursue the investigation as well. (detail removed by Moderator) later and now he is now in prison because he went on to do it to someone else. I felt a lot of guilt about this but I did all I could. They will not change and they won’t stop until they are behind bars unfortunately. Enjoy your night you deserve it!

[Starsindarkness]

Also it gets a lot easier. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) on from leaving and I am gradually getting my life back together. I’m a young single parent and it’s hard but I’m getting there. Every night I put my child to sleep safely is a good day for me. It’s easier atm as he’s in prison and I do know it will be a lot harder for me once he is out again but life is so much brighter and hopeful when you are free. They can’t destroy you, they just think they can. X

[diymum@1]

Sometimes justice takes time and there will be disappointing results along the way. These guys can’t change their ways that’s clear. Eventually this will catch up on him and you’ll be listened too. It took me from (detail removed by Moderator), along time but he had to be forced to take responsibility for his actions. The secret is live your life thd best you can, show him how strong you are. His true colours will be revealed in the end xx the truth prevails x

[IWILLBeOkay]

Thank you so much for your replies. Today is a bad day – went to the GP who didn’t refer me anywhere for help. But luckily just had a phone call from Victim Support to see what they can offer me. Finding it so difficult to control these waves of anger, shame, upset though. Keep trying to think of when I’ll feel better but right now it’s hard to see the light.

Sorry for being negative xx

[diymum@1]

It’s natural, think about these waves like the actual tide. They come and go, when you feel anxious try to stay busy, try to occupy yourself. When the tears come try to embrace it, have a good sob let it out. It’s meant to be very healing to do this. The waves like the tide will subside in time xx best wishes diy ❤

[Author]

Posts