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Why abuse takes place…I am totally lost trying to make sense of the situations I live, the things I hear from his mouth or read from his numerous communications…I look back in time and I can recognise how my own reactions at the time were to dismiss this level of stupidity, yet at the time I knew it was wrong…I guess I believed in him, in myself too, thinking the future would be ok, these things were normal and happened no matter what because we are all human. I dismissed the truth my guts were telling me, I made excuses for him, took his defense, moulded myself around him thinking it was normal…
But why do people crave power and control? Is it just a result of living together? How can someone’s brain not realise the damage inflicted on someone else?
At the refuge a dv support worker was talking about the abuser’s brain been wired the ”wrong way”. I am still trying to understand. I just can’t!
I live with a very intelligent man who does so well at work, earning high wages, succeeding in his profession and being a well known specialist in his field of work. So why is he the way he is????
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Hi Bridget,
I think we could read all the books there is in the world on abusers and we still would not know ‘Why does he do that?’. Even Lundy Bancroft (renowned domestic abuse specialist) doesn’t know why abusers abuse. Probably because your abuser learnt that being abusive and using bullying tactics gets him things in life much quicker and easier than being truthful, honest and kind.
Power and bullying ‘works’ over people. Abusers are basically selfish, lazy and entitled. Being kind and honest is probably too much like hard work to them. Its easier to ‘shaft’ people, lie and not take responsibility and have their little minions , gullible and naïve (abusers thoughts not mine lol) falling for their ‘c**p’ running around after them (the abusers) being deceived (us) and running ourselves into an early grave while they laugh from the side-lines.
For today forget him and his ‘bad mouth’, his hostile tones of voice, his looks of contempt directed towards you. Focus on you. Focus on your work that you love. Focus on your self care today, a walk if possible in the fresh air with nature (you are safe there nature can’t hurt you), a nutritious, simple meals to nourish your beautiful body that he has abused, an afternoon rest if you haven’t slept well. Forget him and focus on carrying out extreme self-care, which will strengthen you to get out and leave the abusive relationship.
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I think if there is ever an explanation, LONC has summarised it above.
Some people wax about how abusers are insecure really etc, but I am afraid if they are, with many of them it’s pushed well out of their consciousness. Many in fact feel superior and entitled.
Mine certainly was too lazy to earn money a decent way through hard graft, and slimed his way to people’s wallets and had minions galore. He was very wordy, and has a silver tongue.
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Hi Bridget Jones is free, I read a book by Paul Hegstrom called abusive men and the Women who love them. He was very very abusive and he went on a perpetrator course and got lots of councelling and he did reform.
He then started an organisation called life skills international, where they help abusers. They attend a course for 18 months , then I read a second book by Austin James called emotional abuse the silent killer of marriage.
Austin attended the life skills course himself and now helps with the courses.
They say that abusers have what is called arrested developement due to childhood trauma.
They really behave still like children in their minds, having tantrums etc etc, they say they cant reason like an adult at all.
Paul Hegstroms book shows how the brain is not wired correctly due to having arrested developement.
I have E Mailed Austin a couple of times and he says the mind of the abuser is very sick and twisted, he was himself, until he got help.
Few men will go through what it takes to overcome being abusers, but some do, both of these men did, Paul Hegstrom changed completely and he and his wife remarried and he has never ever raised his voiced or a fist to her again a
Austin’s wife divorced him, but he has now dedicated hi life to helping abusers.
He says they have to come out of denial and work very hard to overcome, but he said that some Men attend the course for 18 months and stay in denial and dont change.
It may help to understand more if you read the books. Im pretty sure they are both available on Amazon My Husband read a few pages of Austins book and then stopped he totally refuses to read them now, I think there is too much truth in them for him.
In this country there is little real good help for the abusers and so many won’t even acecpt they are abusers so cannot move forward. -
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It is a strategy they get away with. Humans are animals. In nature only the strong survive. The worst bullies defeat the weaker humans and lead them. We can see that daily in politics too.
Also, the world is ruled by men. Men are driven by testosterone and adrenaline. Their brains are wired for fighting and ruling over those who cannot defeat them.
They are willing to listen to humans who defeat them. So, what I think women need to do is to learn combat. If men are treated in their own way they will listen to women and stop abuse us. Women are nurturing and do not have this mindset. That makes it so difficult for us to deal with the men. But those women who learnt to beat men and kick their a.. literally and symbolically rule over them, as history proves on numerous occasions.
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